Gender Questions 21-30
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THE
QUESTION:
GE30: My girlfriend always gets on my case for "checking out"
other women. She told me recently that she thinks there are fewer
good-looking guys than good-looking women. After paying closer
attention, I almost agree. Does anyone else agree, or do males look
more because we are hornier and/or just pay more attention?
POSTED MAY 17, 1998
Jeremy, 19, white male
<Jeremy@cac.net>, Detroit,
MI
ANSWER 1:
I agree: There are more good-looking women than
men. I noticed this when I was in grade school, and again in the work
force. If you even look at male models, most are not "handsome" but
would instead be considered "good looking." The only explanation I
can think of is that more women are willing to work at being good
looking than men are.
POSTED MAY 20, 1998
Apryl P., black
<apryl@mail-me.com>, Oak
Park, MI
FURTHER NOTICE:
Men are basically visual and women are basically
relational. Oh, and by the way, if you haven't noticed, women
are more attractive than men, and everyone likes to look at
good-looking things (i.e. art, cars, houses, etc.).
POSTED MAY 27, 1998
Doug, 35, married white male, CA
FURTHER NOTICE 2:
How does she know there are fewer good-looking or handsome
men than women if she isn't checking men out in the same way she is
accusing you of checking out women? Tell her to get real and realize
that men and women check out the opposite sex to compare or to just
look.
POSTED JUNE 3, 1998
Robert H., flash2@sunet.net, Vero Beach, FL
FURTHER NOTICE 3:
I think women are socialized from a very young age to see
their looks as the measure of their worth. Men, on the other hand,
are socialized to get their self-esteem through other ways, such as
the ability to earn a lot of money. This is not to say men don't care
about their looks or women don't want anything but to be beautiful.
It is just that these are areas our culture tends to reward us the
most for, and we tend to glean our identity from these areas
POSTED JUNE 15, 1998
Joe, 32, San Bernardino, CA
FURTHER NOTICE 4:
I don't think there are more "good-looking" women or
men. I think it's the way they present themselves. Men are more
likely to dress in sloppier clothing, calling it "comfortable," while
women are more self-conscious of the way others perceive them.
Ultimately, what makes you beautiful is what is on the inside, not
the outside.
POSTED JUNE 22, 1998
Tina, 30, divorced white female
<NillaWfr67@aol.com>,
Wixom, MI
FURTHER NOTICE 5:
The gender considered more physically beautiful is a
social construct. This changes over time and across cultures. Today,
in our culture, the female form is believed to be the vessel of
beauty, but in ancient Rome, it was the male form that was considered
most beautiful. Roman sculpture renders male beauty in intimate
detail, while women's figures are almost always draped in heavy robes
- not because of feminine modesty, but because of the perception of
what was beautiful.
POSTED AUG. 1, 1998
P.C., 28, Sunnyvale, CA
FURTHER NOTICE 6:
There are more good-looking women than men because of
makeup. It is normal to look at someone we find attractive - just try
not to make it obvious.
POSTED AUG. 5, 1998
Donna, 28
<DruBdoo3@aol.com>,Fernley,
NV
To respond
BACK TO TOP
THE QUESTION:
GE29: My question is for men and women: I
had a conversation with another woman stemming from a recent
Sports Illustrated article titled "Where's My Daddy?" She felt
that if a woman got pregnant out of wedlock, it was solely her
responsibility that she let it happen. I was floored. Whose
responsibility do you think it is?
POSTED MAY 15, 1998
Armcrae, 34, black
<armcrae@yahoo.com>,
Washington, D.C.
ANSWER 1:
I think it would be both people's responsibility. They
were both there to make the baby. Now, if the women got pregnant on
purpose and did not tell the guy about it, that would be
different
POSTED MAY 17, 1998
Guz, 29, white, Auburn, WA
FURTHER NOTICE:
It's not solely her fault, but unfortunately, because a
man can walk away from that responsibility and she can't, she can end
up assuming 100 percent responsibility. Notice I said responsibility,
not fault.
POSTED MAY 17, 1998
Andrea, Seattle, WA
FURTHER NOTICE 2:
I don't think there is anything wrong with having children
outside of wedlock, though I think if a child results from a casual
fling the responsibility of care should fall equally on the man and
the woman. I don't think it is wrong for a man or woman to have a
casual affair, but your friend seems to think it is OK for a man and
not a woman. I guess old-fashioned ideas die hard, even if they are
extremely unfair.
POSTED MAY 20, 1998
Beth, Edinburgh, UK
FURTHER NOTICE 3:
I definitely believe the man holds equal responsibility
for a pregnancy - theoretically. Unfortunately, your friend's answer
is probably more reality-based. A woman is forced, both physically
and emotionally, to accept and deal with an unwanted pregnancy. A man
is not, and too often chooses not to deal with it or take
responsibility. Women don't have that choice. Ultimately, however, we
all have to deal with the consequences of children growing up without
fathers, and women having to raise children alone.
POSTED MAY 20, 1998
Jennifer, 29, Saline, MI
FURTHER NOTICE 4:
It takes two to make a baby, and two should raise it.
Whether the child was born in or out of wedlock is not important, as
neither is whether the parents are ever married. I raised my stepson
from the age of three to adulthood. His biological mother never
showed any interest in him, even when encouraged to do so. To this
day, he still deals with this and the insecurities it has caused him.
If a man or woman is going to be mature enough to create a child,
intended or not, he/she needs to be mature enough to take
responsibility for that child whether the relationship continues. It
is very important to the child's well-being that he/she knows and is
involved with both parents. Otherwise, the child is left to deal with
feeling "unwanted" or "unworthy" by the parent who doesn't want to
share in his/her life. In short, both parties are responsible for
that child, like it or not.
POSTED MAY 29, 1998
B. Fickel, Fickelb@panacom.com or Fickelb@panacom.com, Panama City,
FL
FURTHER NOTICE 5:
I feel preventing pregnancy is the responsibility of both
partners. I also feel that a man who helps get a woman pregnant
should be held responsible for his actions. The man in question
should be granted visitation rights if he upholds his
responsibilities. I believe putting all the responsibility on the
woman belittles both partners.
POSTED JUNE 13, 1998
Rich F., 32, male, pumafax@hotmail.com, Reno, NV
FURTHER NOTICE 6:
No matter who comes knocking, the gatekeeper is
responsible for who gets in. The female has full responsibility for
getting pregnant. However, they share equal responsibility for the
child.
POSTED JUNE 13, 1998
S.W.F., 28, cbrulet@unicom.net, Kansas City, MO
FURTHER NOTICE 7:
I think you missed the point of the article. While it
focused heavily on the lack of responsibility by the men (who are
just as responsible for the pregnancy and incredibly stupid,
sometimes several times stupid), these women are headhunters pure and
simple. This is how they do it: 1) Be a honey; 2) Wait for Mr. Stupid
outside the locker room after the game; 3) His wife ain't around and
he noticed you; 4) If you are smart, you'll do this coinciding with
when you are the most fertile in your cycle; 5) Let him know in a
couple of months that that one-night stand is going to cost him
$11,000 a month (depending on size of his contract) for the next 18
years; and 6) Enjoy being portrayed as a victim in Sports
Illustrated.
POSTED JUNE 16, 1998
39-year-old black female, Charleston, S.C.
FURTHER NOTICE 8:
When men can become pregnant, they'll have an equal share
in the responsibility for contraception. Until then, if a woman has
exclusive rights to her body, then she also has the exclusive
responsibility for taking care of it, and for keeping faith with
promises and decisions to which she has agreed on the subject of
whether and when to get pregnant. Modern contraceptive devices like
the Norplant and the improved, risk-free IUD make it easy for women
to avoid getting pregnant. The appeal of victimology - blaming one
group's bad behaviors on another group - undermines the soul and
society.
POSTED JUNE 17, 1998
J.L.C., single white male
<colburnj@sprynet.com>,
Laguna Beach, CA
FURTHER NOTICE 9:
I will never understand how a woman "let" herself become
pregnant. Was there no man involved (excluding artificial
insemination)? How can one person be solely responsible for an act
that takes two to perpetrate? The responsibility for the new life
rests with the mother and the father of the child. If men do not want
to be fathers, they should take responsibility for themselves by
providing their own birth control. Period.
POSTED JUNE 24, 1998
Catherine, black
<ck007@juno.com>, Brooklyn,
NY
FURTHER NOTICE 10:
I believe it is the female's responsibility. We all make
choices, and to have unprotected sex when the possibility of getting
pregnant is there, is all under her control. She has the choice of
saying yes or no on the event taking place. It's called
responsibility.
POSTED SEPT. 3, 1998
Jerry, 56, male
<jersan@aol.com>, San
Diego, CA
FURTHER NOTICE 11:
Although it does take two to make a baby, I believe women
should take responsibility for their bodies. If a woman does not want
to get pregnant there are many reliable contraceptive methods
available to prevent this from happening. In the end, she desides
what happens to her body, and therefore she decides if she uses
contraception or not . If she chooses not to, it's her fault.
POSTED SEPT. 5, 1998
White Female
<bonneyh@brampton.cqu.edu.au>,
Australia
FURTHER NOTICE 12:
Everyone points out that both partners create a baby.
Well, in this great era of a women being able to say no at any point,
I say she had that choice. No means no, but yes means yes. If she had
sex, she shouldn't expect anything from the man. She has already
taken from him what she needs. She has gotten pleasure. Feminists say
they have a right to control their bodies. Well, it's a woman's
mistake. In this modern world, I feel women control sex. Women aren't
expected to find men. Men come to them. They initiate the conduct.
They make the decision to stop or proceed. If both people are naked
and they are in bed and foreplay has begun, she can say "stop." If
she doesn't, then she suffers. I say women should take responsibility
for their actions. I am celibate, so I'm doing my part. I'm not
saying men have no part in this. They need to take responsibility for
themselves, too. But we should stop treating single mothers as
victims. They are not. They are victims of their own stupidity, their
own promiscuity. We should stop crying for them.
POSTED OCT. 13, 1998
C. Smith, white male
<Chrizzmith@aol.com>,
Killeen, TX
FURTHER NOTICE 13:
To J.L.C. of Laguna Beach: I think it's a cop-out for you
to excuse your sexual responsibility. If you enjoy sex, my man, you
enjoy it with a woman, right? Well, it takes two to tango and two to
make a pregnancy. You are as responsible as the woman in taking
precautions. Norplant? IUDs? I do not want these things in my
body.Would you? Men and women are equally responsible in preventing
unwanted pregnancies. If one happens to find themselves in a
situation in which they want a sexual encounter, it helps that the
other partner is also prepared. Please rethink the issue of who's
responsible for preventing pregnancies. Your way of thinking is
dangerous and self-centered. If you don't want to be responsible,
please don't have sex.
POSTED JAN. 20, 1999
Sher S., 52, female
<sherri.shepherd@reichhold.com>,
Raleigh, NC
To respond
BACK TO TOP
THE
QUESTION:
GE28: How do women feel about uncircumcised men? I know performance
is not affected either way but would like to know if women view it as
a turn-on or turn-off, or whether it makes no difference.
POSTED MAY 14, 1998
Stuart, Australia
(Similar question posted June 15, 1998, by Joshua, male, Tulsa,
OK)
ANSWER 1:
I don't how I'd feel if I were going to have sex with a
man and he told me he was uncircumcised. I'd be wary because I've
heard that bacteria that builds up under the foreskin causes cervical
cancer.
POSTED MAY 21, 1998
Melissa, female, MI
FURTHER NOTICE:
Until my current boyfriend, I'd never seen an
uncircumcised man. It's true they can have more bacteria build-up,
but if they bathe regularly, it shouldn't be a problem. All things
considered, it's a turn-on for me: More stuff to do things to, you
know.
POSTED MAY 27, 1998
L.M., white female, Clearwater, FL
FURTHER NOTICE 2:
I have been with both types of men. Both kept their
genitalia very clean, and I was not turned off in the least. When
they are aroused, there is absolutely no difference in the overall
look. I have also heard that these types of men have more feeling in
their penis. So, my response is no, we are not turned off. It is a
little different at first, but once you get to know it, you will love
it.
POSTED JUNE 8, 1998
Dionna F., 27, Kansas City, MO
FURTHER NOTICE 3:
In general, I don't think women care whether a man is
circumcised. My fiance is not circumcised, and it has never bothered
me. When you consider the actual procedure, and what is done to the
baby without anesthesia, I think it is better to not be circumcised.
I know I wouldn't do it to my son. To me, unless it is done for
religious reasons, it seems cruel and unnecessary.
POSTED JUNE 12, 1998
A. Stevens, Santa Rosa, CA
FURTHER NOTICE 4:
It's unnatural to be circumcised. Nature intended for men
to be made the way they are and not be surgically altered. One would
think it would be going against one's civil rights to be cut for no
life-saving medical reason - especially before you can decide for
yourself.
POSTED JUNE 22, 1998
Barbara
<weathers@west.net>,
Santa Barbara, CA
To respond
BACK TO TOP
THE
QUESTION:
GE27: Are women more or less interested in men who have never
dated?
POSTED MAY 14, 1998
Scott S., 34, <gss@fair.net>,
Jacksonville, FL
ANSWER 1:
It depends on the woman. Some might view it as a
challenge, while others would most likely assume there was something
wrong with him. It also depends on the man's age. A man of 25 who has
never dated might be considered a little unusual, but he wouldn't be
viewed with the same wariness as a man of 40. If a friend of mine had
never dated and wanted to start, I would probably advise him to be
rather vague about his past dating experience or lack thereof, at
least until he got to know someone well enough that it could be
considered their business. "I never really had a lot of time for
relationships" would be a safe type of answer.
POSTED MAY 26, 1998
A. Morgan, 33, Houston, TX
FURTHER NOTICE:
I am a 22-year-old female. I think it depends on why the
man has never dated. If he has not dated because of his choice, that
is one thing, but if he has not dated because of problems or
situations, that could be tough. It is important that the man is
honest, and if he is uncomfortable about his situation, then the
right person has not come along.
POSTED JUNE 9, 1998
Katie, 22, Kansas City, KS
FURTHER NOTICE 2:
I would definitely be wary of dating a man who has never
dated. I have learned a lot from my dating experiences. I have
learned my strengths and weaknesses in relationships, and I have
learned about compromise. I think my experience has prepared me for
the future and for a permanent relationship. I don't think I would
want to be in a relationship with someone who still needs to learn
some of the same lessons I have already learned.
POSTED AUG. 21, 1998
M.F., 21, female, Dallas, TX
To respond
BACK TO TOP
THE
QUESTION:
GE26: Why is it that you only hear jokes about dumb blondes, and not
brunettes or redheads?
POSTED MAY 12, 1998
Amie <Amie@aiis.net>, Marine
City, MI
ANSWER 1:
My older sister (blonde) and I (brunette) have discussed
this many times, and we have scientifically concluded that the
stereotyping is mainly the result of the '70s TV show Charlie's
Angels. Did you ever notice how the brunettes were more
intelligent? Or how Kate Jackson showed less skin than Farah Fawcett
or Cheryl Ladd? Have you ever noticed that TV and movies perpetuate
these jokes? A horrid example is my favorite movie: The Last of
the Mohicans. Cora (the brunette) survives Native American
captivity and wilderness trials, while her weak, blonde sister
commits suicide by jumping off a cliff.
My blonde sister is an engineer and is incredibly bright. She is
delicate and tough at once and works in a male-dominated world. She
doesn't take these jokes personally and often has a funny retort of
her own. If you really have a problem with the humor, ask yourself
why. Is it because it is hitting too close to home - do you have low
self-esteem? Think of all the legendary, brainy blondes, such as the
first American woman in space!
POSTED MAY 27, 1998
Sheila, 27, Tallahassee, FL
FURTHER NOTICE:
I think this is because brunette and red-headed women are
jealous of blondes. Blondes do have more fun! I am a very intelligent
blonde who actually finds the jokes rather funny. I think blonde hair
is the "All-American" look, and very desirable to most men;
therefore, people are envious of what they cannot naturally
attain.
POSTED JUNE 24, 1998
M.G., blonde, 26, female, Springfield, VA
FURTHER NOTICE 2:
It should be noted that there are other stereotypes based
on hair color. For instance, I have always heard comments about how
redheads are supposed to be extremely stubborn, rather passionate and
promiscuous. I can name a number of women I have known who have dyed
their hair red in order to give the impression they are wild and
willing. Many changed their ways to fit the expectation.
POSTED JUNE 26, 1998
John K., 24, straight white male
<the-macs@geocities.com>,
Cranford, NJ
FURTHER NOTICE 3:
Why does it matter what color your hair is? It's stupid to
stereotype people by their hair color because that's what they were
born with. I don't get why people dye their hair a certain color to
get people to think of you as more wild or smarter. It's just stupid.
If a joke is funny, laugh at it.
POSTED AUG. 7, 1998
K.J., 14, Houston, TX
FURTHER NOTICE 4:
That the stereotypical blonde is stupid has nothing to do
with jealousy of anyone. They only wish that were true. It surely
stems from the fact that blondes are more desirable to men and it is
better (from a man's viewpoint) to have a blonde even if she is not
too bright than to have one of the other kinds (brunettes, redheads).
Say you have nothing else going for you and decide to become blonde.
Now you have men falling all over you and you've done nothing to
better yourself. It's all superficial. By virtue of the fact that no
one "polices" the bleaching/dyeing of hair and "everyone" wants to be
blonde, there are far more less-than-bright blondes than all other
hair colors.
POSTED OCT. 15, 1998
Beth V., 48, female, Cleveland, OH
FURTHER NOTICE 5:
I was once told that the reason there are so many jokes
about blondes is tied to the dying of the hair to attain the color.
For one thing, people who dye their hair are doing it because they
think it will make them look better, i.e. sexier or better looking
which is why the jokes focus on blondes being "easy." The other
reason is that the chemicals used to turn a person's hair blonde were
once dangerous and thought to kill brain cells. While this is no
longer true, the stereotype has hung around and is now a part of
modern culture.
POSTED FEB. 16, 1999
Rachel, female, Rotorua, New Zealand
To respond
BACK TO TOP
THE
QUESTION:
GE25: My wife, in a moment of unusual candor, told me that for some
mysterious reason, when she has water running over her in the shower,
it causes her to evacuate her bladder. She said she can't help it and
that it is normal for this to happen to women. Is this true?
POSTED MAY 3, 1998
Too embarrassed to say who, 55
ANSWER 1:
It sounds reasonable. Warm water is known to stimulate the
urge to urinate -physicians often tell patients who are having
trouble giving a urine sample to run warm water over their wrists for
a minute. If your wife's bladder control has been weakened by
childbirth, surgery or time, she might very well have difficulty
controlling it.
POSTED MAY 9, 1998
A. Morgan, Houston, TX
FURTHER NOTICE:
Another possible explanation is that your wife's
potty-training as a child involved the feel of water. I myself was
potty-trained by parents who would sit me on the toilet and promptly
turn the water faucet on. Upon hearing the tinkle, I'd join in. To
this day, I still make a rush for the closest restroom when I hear
water from a fountain, drain or other such source.
POSTED JUNE 27, 1998
Prefer to remain anonymous
FURTHER NOTICE 2:
I agree with the first reply. As a fun-loving teenager,
during sleepovers my friends and I have often placed hands of those
who fell asleep first in warm water, in an attempt to get them to wet
the bed. This is an old favorite of mine, and when it works, it is
absolutely hilarious. Back to the point, the warm water stimulates
the urge to go to the toilet.
POSTED SEPT. 23, 1998
John, 19, Atlanta, GA
To respond
BACK TO TOP
THE
QUESTION:
GE24: I chose not to have my son circumcised based on my research on
the matter before he was born. Now I get strange comments from people
who think that circumcision is "normal." I am now worried that my son
will not appreciate my decision. Comments from males on this issue
would be appreciated.
POSTED MAY 2, 1998
Renee S.
<reneeleigh@juno.com>,
St. Augustine, FL
ANSWER 1:
A close friend of mine was born in Australia, where
circumcisions are apparently not as routinely performed. At the age
of 12 he asked his parents to arrange for the procedure. That was the
first year he had been issued a gym uniform and was expected to
change clothes and shower in the company of other boys, and he was
made very unhappy by the attention his difference received.
POSTED MAY 4, 1998
A. Morgan, Houston, TX
FURTHER NOTICE:
Ignore the Philistines. You have done the correct thing.
Although I was circumcised, if I get married and have sons, there
would have to be medical reasons for me to support their
circumcision. The argument I have heard against it re: loss of
sensitivity,different "mechanics" all sound plausible. You have left
your son a choice - he can still get circumcised. The other followers
of this ancient cultural artifact have robbed their sons of that
choice, and risked their son's sexual functionality, if not life.
POSTED MAY 6, 1998
T.,
<psychomarmoset@yahoo.com>,
Sydney, Australia
FURTHER NOTICE 2:
As a man, I am glad my mother had the procedure done for
me as a little boy. I cannot imagine going through it later in life.
I have one son, and I would never put him through that later in life,
when he would be aware of what's going on. I don't know how old your
son is, but please do it right away before it's too late!
POSTED MAY 6, 1998
Johntech, 26, Detroit, MI
FURTHER NOTICE 3:
Renee, thank you for not mutilating you son by getting him
circumcised. There are no medical reasons to do this on a regular
basis. There is also growing evidence that it does cause pain to
newborns forced to undergo it. The foreskin is also where many of the
man's sexual sensors are located. Circumcision is similar to removing
the clitoris. A large loss of sexual pleasure results from both
operations.
POSTED JUNE 13, 1998
Rich F., male, 32, pumafax@hotmail.com, Reno, NV
FURTHER NOTICE 4:
Best reasons to have your son circumcised: If your child
is very sensitive and hindered from developing a healthy self-esteem,
he might be adversely affected by the idea of seeming different than
most boys. Best reasons against it: To avoid the trauma of mutilation
and to allow him more sensitivity. Parents should teach all children
good hygiene. Some sexual partners may prefer one or the other. Most
will have no preference.
POSTED JULY 22, 1998
David, Houston, TX
FURTHER NOTICE 5:
I am a circumcised male and had always assumed that when I
had a son, he too would be. As the birth of my son approached, I
decided to research the subject. I scoured the Internet, read any
book that addressed the subject, raised the issue at our birthing
classes and even talked with a few men who were not circumcised. My
conclusion was to absolutely not do it. Two of the men I asked found
it odd that I was so concerned about it. It was a non-issue to them.
Now that my son is five months old, I know I made the correct choice.
The idea of slicing off such a normal and valid part of his anatomy
based on religious superstition/wives tales seems not only
Neanderthal but ridiculous. We shrink in horror when we hear about
Third World cultures that circumcise their adolescent girls (i.e.
remove the clitoris), yet find the thought of mauling the penis quite
natural.
POSTED AUG. 5, 1998
James F., 41, white
<pcifox@ns.net>, Sacramento,
CA
FURTHER NOTICE 6:
I chose not to have my infant son circumcised. After
birth, we were asked if we wanted circumcision performed and said no.
As a father I felt I didn't have the right to mutilate a child's
body. Maybe this goes back to when I was a kid, when at 5 my parents
had me circumcised because infections were common (that is what I was
told). I do not know what types of problems this decision might have
on him later on in life, but some problems I've thought of include
restrictions on the penis when hardened and another is personal
hygiene.
POSTED AUG. 10, 1998
Concerned Dad ,43, ME
FURTHER NOTICE 7:
I have seen repeated references to decreased sensitivity
in circumcised men. I am a 52-year-old circumcised man who cannot
imagine having any more sensitvity there. It would be unbearable. I
think this may be a myth perpetuated by uncircumcised men.
POSTED JAN. 5, 1999
Bob, 52, male
<rdees@kilgore.net>,
Kilgore, Tx
FURTHER NOTICE 8:
I don't understand how Bob can make that statment. That's
like saying that because he was born with a hearing deficiency, he
can't imagine that it would be possible for anyone to hear better
than he already does. Let your son remain uncircumcised. It should be
his choice to mutilate part of his body when he feels he is ready to,
should he want to, and when that time comes, it will be done with
anesthetic and will not be traumatic, as if you were to do it to him
as a baby. And he may complain as a child, especially as a teenager,
about being different from the other kids, but most likely as an
adult he will thank you for making the decision to let him make his
own decision. And in my opinon, an uncut penis is extremly attractive
and sexy. I wish I was still uncut.
POSTED JAN. 6, 1999
Dondi M., bisexual 26, male, Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada
FURTHER NOTICE 9:
I assure you Bob, it is not a myth. The foreskin is the
most sensitve part of a penis, and I think it is cruel to baby boys
to mutilate them in that way. If they wish this operation done for
religious or cultural reasons, let the boy decide for himself when
older, at 12 or later. The only thing separating this cruelty from
its female counterpart is that it is luckily reversible. Ma'am, I
think you did the right thing. I have never suffered any stigma in
the locker room or any complaints from women. Frankly, the
circumcised are in the minority now, so I don't think you should
worry.
POSTED JAN. 6, 1999
A.C.C., San Antonio, TX
FURTHER NOTICE 10:
Since there is no medical justification for circumcision
(former ideas about cleanliness and penile cancer are now being
discredited), many parents are now making the decision not to have
their sons circumcised, viewing it as unnecessary and cruel surgery.
The trend is definitely going in your direction; however, it will
probably be several decades before "natural" penises are the norm.
Nonetheless, I cannot imagine being bothered by an uncircumcised
male, and I am sure, once your son knows the reasons behind your
decision, he'll appreciate the thought and kindness you put into it.
After having lived with his foreskin, the thought of having it cut
off will most likely horify him.
POSTED JAN. 6, 1999
D.M.M., female, nursing student
<donikam@hotmail.com>,
Charleston, SC
FURTHER NOTICE 11:
I read about circumcision in Men's Health. It said
that it is very painful, not necessary and removes 70 percent of your
nerve endings. In the words of a local comedian: "Hey, Mom! I want my
foreskin back!"
POSTED JAN. 6, 1999
Craig, 35, male
<cmorris@loft.org>,
Minneapolis, Mn
FURTHER NOTICE 12:
Three points: 1. Is Dad circumcised? How will the little
boy feel about being "different" from Dad? 2. There is no question it
is cleaner. The above nursing student left out the data on male
urinary tract infections, which are nonexistent in circumcised males
but affect 8-10 percent of circumcised males, and that's in developed
countries. 3. Ask women in countries with both "options" which they
prefer.
POSTED JAN. 7, 1999
E.M., 42
<magidson@ties.k12.mn.us>,
St Paul, MN
FURTHER NOTICE 13:
In Europe and South America (and China?), unless they are
Jewish or Muslim, men are not circumcised. This was never an issue of
any sort. But maybe the rest of the world is not considered as
standard by the American people.
POSTED JAN. 12, 1999
Franck, 60, Republican and laïque
<fdondon@club-internet.fr>,
Paris, France
To respond
BACK TO TOP
THE
QUESTION:
GE23: Why is it that every time you have a sincere interest in a
woman, you have to be a jerk to get her attention? If you are a nice
guy, you end up getting taken advantage of, but if you are a
miserable freak, they seem to call you every day until your phone
falls apart. Should guys just act like morons to get women?
POSTED MAY 2, 1998
Adam, Brighton, MI
ANSWER 1:
Perhaps the more relevant question should be why are you
attracted to women who are only attracted to men who treat them
poorly. This is not meant as a criticism, but observation. Plenty of
women want to date a nice man who is not always in a crisis. However,
there are many women who thrive in crisis situations and want to
"fix" or nurture the bad boys. This is not innate in every woman, but
it seems to be so in your experience. Another thing to consider it
the fact that you are pursuing women who do not want a stable
relationship, so you would be better off to steer clear.
POSTED MAY 4, 1998
Sheila, 30, St. Louis, MO
FURTHER NOTICE:
Many women (and some men as well) like the challenge of
trying to attract someone who is basically indifferent to them.
That's why being too eager to please is often a tactical error. You
don't have to actually be indifferent or unkind to get a woman's
attention, but do be true to yourself. Have a life, do interesting
things on your own. Don't drop everything to accept a last-minute
invitation. Don't even agree that "Titanic" is the best movie ever if
you were cheering for the iceberg. If you're not willing to brave her
displeasure, you won't earn her respect.
POSTED MAY 4, 1998
A. Morgan, 33, Houston, TX
FURTHER NOTICE 2:
Adam, if you act like a moron to impress a woman, the
woman you impress will, invariably, be a moron also. If you express
a sincere interest in a woman, chances are she will respond in
kind. I have never been attracted to a man who has acted like a jerk
just to get my attention. You may need to start hanging out in places
where you can be yourself with a woman, instead of where you feel you
have to beat out the other guy who is making a fool of himself.
POSTED MAY 6, 1998
Kristen, 25, female
<kristenv25@juno.com>,
Ypsilanti, MI
FURTHER NOTICE 3:
There were times I had low self-esteem and thought I
couldn't deserve a nice guy. I was treated badly by guys and didn't
think I could do any better. Then I grew up. Nice guys can get
noticed, and once I realized I didn't deserve to be treated badly, I
wouldn't settle for anything less than a nice guy. It just takes some
time. I had to get used to the idea that a man could truly want to
make me happy. It was a lot different than my efforts to make a jerk
happy. And you know what, a man wanting to make me happy made me
happy. Hang in there. I think women want to be treated with love and
respect even if they don't choose a loving and respectful man. There
are other valid points, but I believe it is often an esteem
issue.
POSTED MAY 7, 1998
M.Bower, 24, Macomb, MI
FURTHER NOTICE 4:
I think it's deeper than just whether women want a "nice
guy" or a "bad boy." That's just the surface level. Both men and
women look for those people to whom they are attracted. A "bad boy"
might have a rebellious or obnoxious attitude, but nevertheless, I've
never seen one treat a lady badly and still be with her permanently.
It's the image that attracts. Basically, whether you're a nice guy or
a bad dude, just concentrate on being attractive and know respect.
Even a "nice guy" can be more romantic and confident - and tell dirty
jokes once in a while. Being nice does not mean being plain and
boring. On the other hand, being a "bad boy" doesn't mean being
abusive - he can still buy her flowers and read her poetry. It's just
image, nothing more.
POSTED MAY 9, 1998
David L., 25, Chicago, IL
FURTHER NOTICE 5:
I've noticed this, too: Guys acting like jerks while
talking to women. The reason for this, I always thought, was that
they were doing what worked for them, or rather, what they
thought would work for them to attract a woman. I always hoped
they wouldn't be successful, and it would be nice if my hopes were
confirmed by some women.
POSTED MAY 11, 1998
MarkOyori, 40, MS
FURTHER NOTICE 6:
Girls like nice guys. The only problem is, a lot of the
nice guys don't have the guts to approach women like the jerks do.
This is why many women complain about never being able to find any
nice guys. Much of the time, these nice guys are right under our
noses, but we don't see them because they don't make obvious plays
for us like jerks do. Also, many nice guys make the mistake of
smothering a girl with attention, or becoming too predictable. These
are the guys girls can't imagine being romantic, and classify as
"friends."
POSTED JULY 16, 1998
J.H., 19, white female, MO
To respond
BACK TO TOP
THE
QUESTION:
GE22: What do women think of large guys? Is it a turn-off if a man
is fat, even if he is also tall? What about if he is naturally
muscular but doesn't have bulky biceps or pulsing pectorals? And most
important, does appearance matter more than personality to a
woman?
POSTED APRIL 30, 1998
Contretemps IV <hank@i.am>
Santa Barbara, CA
ANSWER 1:
It depends on the woman. Some like tall men even if
they're big. Some women only care whether you're kind and reliable.
Our entire society is appearance-oriented, however, so definitely
some women will reject an overweight man no matter how wonderful a
person he may be. If you're being consistently rejected, you might
take a look at how closely you're applying standards you don't want
applied to yourself. In other words, if you won't date a fat woman,
can you really fault a thin woman for not dating you?
POSTED MAY 2, 1998
A. Morgan, Houston, TX
FURTHER NOTICE:
Personality is definitely more important. The sort of men
I like to fantasize about are completely different from what I expect
to meet in real life, so don't worry about those sexy TV stars.
It is more difficult to get strangers to look past appearances,
though. They haven't had time to get acquainted with your
personality, so they tend to go for the pretty package. Just give
women time to get to know you before you ask them out.
POSTED MAY 3, 1998
Colette
<inkwolf@earthlink.net>,
Seymour, WI
FURTHER NOTICE 2:
I think anyone who is confident and comfortable with their
own body will be attractive. I find superficially attractive people
less attractive if I find out they've got an unpleasant personality,
and vice versa - I almost always find people with great personalities
attractive. Your personality is definitely a significant part of the
way you appear to others - your physique is only a part of your
appearance, and it's not the only thing that contributes to your
attractiveness to other people.
POSTED MAY 3, 1998
Robyn K., female, 27, Toronto, Ontario, Canada
FURTHER NOTICE 3:
Yes, women look at bodies, too. And I think it depends on
the person whether looks or personality are more important. As far as
"large guys" go, I know that a major concern is that his large
physique is countered with the type of personality that's
unintimidating. A woman already knows that a guy who's big can
physically run her around - you want to make sure the person doesn't
take advantage of their size. Also, some of us feel more comfortable
around big guys because they make us look small. I don't know about
anyone else, but I don't want to date a guy who wears smaller jeans
than I do.
POSTED MAY 3, 1998
Evin B., female
<evinb@hotmail.com>,
Austin, TX
FURTHER NOTICE 4:
On the surface of things, women tend to look at men and
admire ones that are in good shape. However, as far as most women are
concerned, admiring someone's looks and wanting to have a
relationship them are not necessarily the same thing. Traditionally
good-looking men are seen more as fantasy objects, or trophy dates.
In order to have a real, long-term relationship, women look more for
emotional compatibility, kindness, maturity, the kind of person who
would like to spend the rest of their lives with. Good looks are
merely icing on the cake, not the cake itself. One can have a
perfectly wonderful lifelong relationship with someone whose looks
aren't classically beautiful, but who is a great human being. Turn
those two around, and it just doesn't work.
POSTED MAY 3, 1998
Vicky B., 39, white female
<saganfan@discoverymail.com>,
Brownstown, MI
FURTHER NOTICE 5:
I think attractiveness has more to do with sexiness than
physical appearance. A person who is sexy spews confidence in
themselves. For instance, two people I find extremely sexy are Drew
Carey and Meatloaf. You wouldn't classify them in the "male model"
category, but they are definitely self-confident. Body-consciousness
is a weakness, and I think that's what women don't like.
POSTED AUG. 3, 1998
Effie, 29, wife of a very sexy guy, Ohio
FURTHER NOTICE 6:
The height of a man is far more important to me than his
weight. I am 5' 9" and feel like a giant with anyone shorter than I
am. I am not thin by any means, but I don't think I'm too hard to
look at. If a man is 6' and weighs only 140 lbs., he wouldn't appeal
to me. It has nothing really to do with how he looks, but with how I
feel about myself. I was married to a large, fit man, and I lived
with a large but overweight man. Physically, neither was more
appealing than the other. They were both intelligent, employed,
humorous and fun to be with. They made me feel good about myself. I
hope this helps answer the question. I have nothing against short,
small men in general, but as they would be unappealing to me, so I
would be unappealing to them.
POSTED AUG. 5, 1998
Louise N., 45 Canadian female, Near Cobourg, Ontario, Canada
FURTHER NOTICE 7:
I love guys who are a little on the chubbier side. As a
person who loves embracing other people, I find it's much more
satisfying to hug a person who isn't rail-thin.
POSTED AUG. 7, 1998
Sarah, 18
<bubbles@texoma.net>,
Sherman, TX
FURTHER NOTICE 8:
I agree with Sarah. I much prefer to get physical with
larger men (of any height). It feels so much sexier than men who are
all ribs and hips! As an artist I also prefer to draw larger people -
there is so much more of interest to their bodies.
POSTED FEB. 18, 1999
Sophia, female, London, UK
To respond
BACK TO TOP
THE
QUESTION:
GE21: Why does it seem women are so infatuated with their bodies
and general appearance? My female friends ask me my opinion about
some aspect of their appearance, and then if I say they look fine,
they disagree and ask until someone agrees they don't look fine.
Also, it seems like they will base this opinion on what male society
wants, but all the men they ask will say they look fine.
POSTED APRIL 26, 1998
Marc, 20, male
<romarti@yahoo.com>
Atlanta, GA
ANSWER 1:
Women (and men as well) receive a lot of messages from the
media about what is and is not acceptable about their bodies. Because
the "acceptable" bodies presented in ads and entertainment are
nowhere near average - usually slimmer, leggier and bustier - women
fight long, often losing battles to be accepted. Those messages are
passed along by the masses who consume them. Peer pressure -
especially among adolescent girls - to achieve and maintain a perfect
figure can be overwhelming. Have you ever ogled an attractive woman
or made fun of an overweight or unattractive woman in front of a
female friend? If so, you indirectly told your friend that a pleasing
physical appearance merits approval. Unfortunately, even the
assurances of a caring friend can't override years of messages that
tell a woman she's not acceptable until she's perfect.
POSTED APRIL 29, 1998
Michelle G., white female, 27
<ufinjax@aol.com>
Gainesville, FL
FURTHER NOTICE:
Women are conditioned throughout their lives to seek
perfection in their personal appearance. (Note make-over magazine
spreads and TV shows, the fashion industry, the cosmetic industry,
pageants, etc.) Thus, there aren't only two states - looking OK and
not looking OK. Instead, there's more of a continuum, and women are
constantly striving to meet the standard at the highest end of the
appearance continuum. An added complication is that the perfection
standard changes constantly. To the extent women ask for advice on
such matters, I can see how they would value advice from other women
who are subject to the same influences rather than from men who may
have trouble understanding. I don't have a good answer about how
expectations for women are or are not set in part by men. I agree
with Marc's comment that often men actually don't seem to care nearly
as much as women think men do.
K.S., 27, female
Indianapolis, IN
FURTHER NOTICE 2:
Women are obsessed, not infatuated, with appearance
because female appearance is so relentlessly focused upon in our
culture. We are bombarded constantly by the message that the most
important thing about us is how we look. This bombardment comes from
television, magazines, movies, all forms of advertising, etc. It also
comes from men, who compare us all the time. When you "rate" some
woman's appearance, even in fun, you are participating in the kind of
activity that furthers this attitude. I'm not saying we don't size
you up based on appearance. I'm trying, instead, to describe our
experience. If we are neurotic about how we look, it is because our
culture encourages us from a very early age to obsess about it rather
than encouraging us to develop our minds, hearts and character, which
is the proper focus for developing human potential.
POSTED APRIL 30, 1998
J. Lemke
<j-lemke@ti.com>
Plano, Texas
FURTHER NOTICE 3:
What you are observing is not infatuation but the deep
insecurity and shame felt by the majority of women who fail to meet
the unrealistic standards imposed by magazines, television, the
fashion industry, etc. Young women and teenagers are particularly
vulnerable to this, and they are much harder on themselves than most
men will ever be. This is truly a very painful issue for your
friends, even the ones you consider pretty. Be kind to them, and keep
reassuring them that their worth is not based on the whiteness of
their smiles or the thinness of their thighs.
POSTED APRIL 30, 1998
A. Morgan, Houston
FURTHER NOTICE 4:
Come on, women, let's admit that we do this to ourselves,
too. How often do we criticize friends or strangers for how they
look, even though we hate such criticism ourselves? We all
need a change of attitude, not just men and the media.
POSTED APRIL 30, 1998
E.P. 25, female, Washington, D.C.
FURTHER NOTICE 5:
There are many cultural influences that lead women to
obsess about their appearance. I suggest to Marc that if he can
rephrase his response to a female friend by being more specific, she
will more likely accept the compliment as sincere. For example,
instead of "You look fine," try "You look very stylish," "That shade
of blue looks wonderful on you," "That outfit make you look slimmer"
or even "You look fine, but I prefer you in jeans." If you think she
does not look fine (bad fit, inappropriate for the occasion,
whatever) try "You look fine, but I'd like your pink dress
better."
POSTED MAY 3, 1998
Pam S., 55
<palema@downcity.net>,
Willimantic, CT
FURTHER NOTICE 6:
Saying "you look fine" to your female friends is not the
same as saying "I think you have a really pretty face." To me, and I
think to a lot of other women, "you look fine" comes across as not
wanting to answer. When you say this, are you truly trying to respond
honestly to them, or are you trying to get out of the conversation as
quickly as possible? Most women, when they ask you about an aspect of
their appearance, want to hear something specific, something that
makes them feel you're truly looking at them and noticing them. To
E.P.: of course, we women do this same thing to ourselves. We
participate in creating the images in the media that assault us every
day, just as much as men do. And we're just as influenced by them, if
not more.
POSTED MAY 3, 1998
Jennifer, 29, Saline, MI
FURTHER NOTICE 7:
Women seek to attract, men seek to "conquer." The
competition among women for attractiveness rivals that of men in
desirability. This natural urge to get the attention of the other sex
is still focused primarily on adornment of the body rather than of
the mind. Yet when we males meet someone who may be a "plain Jane,"
but who has depth, an ability to listen, a genuine interest in us as
individuals, often "plain Jane" becomes very desirable, i.e.
attractive. Is it not interesting that in America we talk of the
"opposite" sex? Why not "the other sex"? As a male, I have learned
that opposing the other sex is fruitless. Cooperation and dialogue,
on the other hand, give me what I want every time.
POSTED MAY 3, 1998
Robert D., 70, white
<rderycke@mindspring.com>,
Knoxville, TN
FURTHER NOTICE 8:
There are complex reasons for women's supposed
preoccupation with appearance. One possibility worth mentioning was
explored by Desmond Morris in his book, "The Naked Ape." It is
suggested that men are biologically prone to visual stimulation and
that women are aware of this at more than a conscious level. I
believe there may have been an attractive female appearance before
the advent of mass media.
POSTED MAY 4, 1998
W. Mitchell, male
<Bmtch@aol.com>, Jackson,
MS
FURTHER NOTICE 9:
Women become beauty objects and men become success
objects. The main reason for this can be traced to one sex being
expected to initiate male-female relationships. Although women are
reputed to want relationships more than men do, and men are reputed
to be commitment- and intimacy-phobic, men are assigned the burden of
initiative-taking. Because females don't take initiative, they use
makeup and other beauty enhancers to induce males to take them (and
to beat out their female competitors). Because males as initiators
must risk face-to-face rejection, they play up their financial
success or status (or the promise of it) to induce females not to
reject their requests for dates and so forth. Once a man has "sold"
himself as successful, and the woman herself as beautiful, both
resist changing for fear of being dumped for "false advertising."
POSTED MAY 7, 1998
Jerry, 56, white male
<jerryaboggs@juno.com>,
Livonia, MI
To respond
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