Race/Ethnicity
Questions 31-40
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THE
QUESTION:
R40: I was shocked to find out that two black women with whom
I had participated in study circles on racism were angry with me for
marrying "a brother." They both have talked to me since and said they
had to work through these feelings of dislike and have since
discovered I am a pretty nice person. How can a black woman get angry
at a white woman who marries a black man for love if they don't even
know the black man? Isn't this prejudice also?
POSTED MARCH 18, 1998
B.J.W., 33, white, Jacksonville, FL
ANSWER 1:
I suspect this has gone unanswered because it raises some
feelings that some find hard to face. I'm an African American female
and have been guilty of what the writer spoke about. (My
sister-in-law is white, and I was initially prepared to not like her
just because of that fact; however, it turned out that she is a good
person with a kind heart.) It's more of a resentment than a hatred.
For all our lives, the media and society have held up the white
female as the standard of beauty. So when a black man chooses to be
with a white woman, it feels like a personal slap in the face - like
black women aren't good enough. There unfortunately are brothers who
shun their own race and only date white women (and women of course
who do the same). Unless we know the people in question personally
and know they are really in love, we are skeptical and automatically
assume it's the "status" thing.
POSTED MARCH 31, 1998
Michelle, 36, African American
<kmichell@umich.edu>
Ann Arbor, MI
FURTHER NOTICE:
For years, the white female has been considered the
epitome of beauty, and it wasn't until recently that we began seeing
a few beautiful African-American and Asian faces. That is the reason
many black females feel neglected by the "brothers." There is nothing
wrong with marrying outside your race. I believe love has a lot to do
in the commitment, and it would be a lot easier and better if people
understood this. If anyone out there is in an interracial
relationship, I wish the person the very best.
POSTED APRIL 4, 1998
Nneka, African-American
<ifebigh77@hotmail.com>,
Miami , FL
FURTHER NOTICE 2:
Another common reason that black women feel anger when
black men date and marry white women is a very personal one, not at
all related to politics or societal rules. It is that many black
women are unable to find suitable black men to date, much less marry.
This is due to incarceration, death, homosexuality and lastly, a
black male already being married or attached. I know of so many women
(sisters, cousins, friends and myself) who are lonely and seek
companionship. Besides the love we miss, we also lose the tangible
benefits such as combined income. We simply cannot afford to lose any
more of our men
POSTED APRIL 4, 1998
Cynthia B., 38, black female
<ceebski@aol.com>,
Southfield, MI
FURTHER NOTICE 3:
To Cynthia B.: I do not believe in the "Incredible
Shrinking Black Male" myth. You are looking in the wrong places, and
eventually the men in those places will go out with women who will
accept them as they are, as we all would.
To me, the problem seems to be that there are just not enough
brothers out there who have a Lexus parked in the garage and a fat
wad in the bank, and when one of those guys shows up, the women jump
on him like a cat on a stray bird. What's left is regular guys like
myself, the ones who are not so pretty or rich - as my aunt says, the
"sh-t against the curb."
Quite a few of the sistas I have dated have plied me with
questions upon our first meetings. Not the questions I might expect,
like how do I feel about this or that, about my family and friends,
my likes and dislikes, but about my job, income and car - in that
order. The one white woman I went out with (a friendly date to a
party) asked me none of those things, and I felt so at ease that
night because I didn't have to prove anything to her - we just had a
good time. I have not experienced this with any of the sisters I have
dated, but I keep trying. I will not give up on you, but if you would
give one of us frogs a break, maybe you'd find the prince you're
searching for.
POSTED JUNE 11, 1998
R.E.Walls, African American male, 36, rewind@hotmail.com, San Diego,
CA
FURTHER NOTICE 4:
I'd like to respond to two issues raised here: White being
the standard of beauty and income issues. As a white woman, I realize
there is a certain standard considered "the most beautiful." However,
I guess I want all my African-American sisters out there to know that
most of the white women I know not only don't feel we fit that
standard, but feel humiliated by it. I'm not sure anyone can meet
that standard. Secondly, a number of questions back someone asked
about white families talking about income. That was considered
completely personal when I grew up. That may be why the
African-American man who dated the white woman wasn't asked about his
income.
POSTED AUG. 31, 1998
D.O., white, MI
FURTHER NOTICE 5:
To R.E. Walls: Right On! Only this doesn't just go for
black men and women, it works for whites as well. I hear a lot of the
same issues being brought up by women of all races (why aren't there
any good men?) when really I feel they're asking "Why can't I marry a
character out of a Brad Pitt/Denzel Washington movie?" I get a lot of
interested women, until they find out that I'm a journalist/writer.
Then the question suddenly becomes, "How much do you make?" My
physical and mental attributes suddenly then disappear. They say,
"Call me if your book goes big."
POSTED OCT. 30, 1998
Brian, 22, white male, Kokomo, IN
To respond
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THE QUESTION:
R39: Why does it seem that so many Hispanic immigrants to the
United States resist assimilation into American society, i.e. by
learning English,actively voting and flying the U.S. flag instead of
the Mexican flag?
POSTED MARCH 18, 1998
M. Evans, 33, Houston
(Similar question posted July 22, 1998, by 54, white male, San Mateo,
CA)
ANSWER 1:
It does not appear to me that Hispanic people "resist
assimilation into American society" any more than immigrants from
other parts of the world do. It usually takes many generations for
people to be fully "assimilated." My father's parents were both born
in Greece and came to the United States as teenagers. When he was a
child, Greek was always spoken at home, but he married a non-Greek
(my mother, who is white), so I spoke English as a child. My
Greek-American cousins switch easily back and forth between the two
languages, in normal conversation. You find this in other immigrant
groups, too, such as Italians, Chinese, Korean, German, Swedish, etc.
The greater time (measured in generations) since the people came to
the United States, the greater the "assimilation." And, of course,
each group adds its own subtle influences to the "American society"
and the English language, which is one reason this country remains so
alive, interesting, fun and the best place to live on the planet!
POSTED MARCH 28, 1998
Frank, 34, white (half Greek-American)
<frank.koconis@bsis.com>
Charlotte, NC
FURTHER NOTICE:
Our country is not based on everyone being the "same." Our
forefathers came here to be able to express who they were and what
they believed in. If everyone who came to this country suddenly gave
up who they were and what they believed, who would they be? Our rich
cultural diversity is what makes this country so great. I love
meeting people from around the world. I love what they bring to share
with us, their culture, clothing, religions, beliefs, family and, of
course, food. I would be disappointed if all of a sudden I couldn't
go out to eat Mexican, Thai, Korean, Japanese, Indian, Middle
Eastern, Italian, Spanish, Nicaraguan, Salvadorian, Chinese, Polish,
German, Russian, etc. food. If only we could accept each other's
differences, what a beautiful place this would be.
POSTED JUNE 9, 1998
LiAnne, Asian-American Homegirl, United States
FURTHER NOTICE 2:
It isn't that we do not want to assimilate, but rather,
whether we should melt with "white America." Where does it say that
to assimilate, one has to lose one's identity? The fact that most of
us are bilingual only enriches the cultural mosaic that is America. I
have never encountered a white person who was offended by a person
speaking French or German, but it seems that when the language in
question is Spanish, everyone gets bent out of shape. Go to English
As A Second Language adult classes and pay attention to the faces of
the students. I can bet you a great majority are Ibero-Americans, or
as you call them, "Hispanics" or Mexicans.
POSTED JUNE 13, 1998
Felipe Z., Felipe.Zatarain@GTE.net, North Hollywood, CA
FURTHER NOTICE 3:
I do not agree that Hispanic immigrants resist
assimilation for the simple reason that many Hispanic people have
managed to become professional people such as surgeons, doctors,
lawyers, etc. I was born in Cuba and came to the United States at the
age of four. My father has managed to learn English and is a
superintendent at a big company. I think it all depends on the
persons's motivation to become assimilated into this society. I also
believe many Hispanic immigrants who come to the United States are
not very young and therefore have a harder time learning the language
and becoming assimilated. Many also do not have the resources to go
to school and get the education required to be successful in this
society. Their main concern is to make a living for themselves.
POSTED JUNE 15, 1998
A.Morales
<amora15@bellsouth.net>,
FL
To respond
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THE QUESTION:
R38: I am curious as to why many black women have the prefix
"La" before their name, while black men often have "De" before
theirs. Examples: Lawanda or DeShawn or DeAndre.
POSTED MARCH 16, 1998
Scott O., Jackson, MI
ANSWER 1:
It is our way of adding a flair to what we consider the
mundane. By the same token, as a black person, I'm puzzled as to why
someone would name a child Sarah, Betsy, or Jack.
POSTED MARCH 20, 1998
Clara D., Stone Mountain, GA
FURTHER NOTICE:
White people name their children Sarah, Betsy or Jack
because the names have a meaning. Sarah means "princess," Betsy is
the diminutive of Elizabeth, meaning "God is my oath," and Jack is a
variant of Jacob. Personally I despise the modern practice of giving
silly names to children. A woman I know (white) named her sons Buster
and Django - yuck. I once saw a black woman named Nisombe, and I
thought it was just beautiful. I could tell the name came from a real
language and had a real heritage. I don't think black people have to
choose white names for their children, but I feel they should use
real names with a real history and entymology.
POSTED SEPT. 7, 1998
Elaine C.
<eoder1@compulinx-net.net>,
Columbus, OH
FURTHER NOTICE 2:
To Elaine C.: Just because a name is unfamiliar to you
does not mean it's meaningless. Django, for example, was the first
name of one of the most influential jazz guitarists - Django
Reinhardt, a European gypsy. I have no idea if Django means anything
as a word, but for a music lover, it holds a great deal of
meaning.
POSTED SEPT. 9, 1998
Andrew, 34, white
<ziptron@hotmail.com,>,
Huntington, NY
FURTHER NOTICE 3:
I was named Sarah after my great-grandmother, whom I
presume was named for the Sarah in the Bible, as there are no
previous Sarahs in my family. In my family, most of the names used
are from previous generations. I suppose it just has to do with what
your family is accustomed to - after all, being named is not the
person's choice!
POSTED OCT. 5, 1998
Sarah, 18, white
<bubbles@texoma.net>,
Sherman, TX
FURTHER NOTICE 4:
From what I was told, many parents gave their children
names such as those because the parents 1) wanted to give their
children unique names and 2) wanted to give their children names that
supposedly sounded African. The naming of a child is very important
and can even be considered influential in the child's future. I agree
there should be significance in the name given. The current fad to
make up names that have no history or meaning seems to be based on
ignorance. If parents are really interested in giving their children
authentic African names, there are many books they can look at that
offer suggestions, or they can even ask someone who happens to be
African.
POSTED OCT. 6, 1998
Adaobi (meaning first born), 22, Nigerian female,
<obia@rockvax.rockefeller.edu>
Bronx , NY
To respond
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THE QUESTION:
R37: Should the phrase "African American" be applied to all
blacks living in the United States? What do American blacks think
about the dilemma facing non-American blacks in the States (including
black Hispanics)? I am a Black Jamaican who has never liked the term
"African American" applied to me. I am very proud of my black
heritage (i.e. African heritage) but I'm also very proud of my
Jamaican heritage, thus do not consider myself an African American
(at least not in the manner in which the term was coined). However,
black friends (including some Jamaicans living in America) seem to
think that I'm "running away from my blackness" because of my
feelings.
POSTED MARCH 16, 1998
Trevor S., 32, Ypsilanti, MI
ANSWER 1:
I have always interpreted the term "African American" to
mean any person of African descent, be they from the Caribbean,
Europe, Africa or native-born. I have many friends here in New York
of West Indian descent who include themselves under the term African
American, yet they retain their Caribbean identity. The "African"
portion of the term gives us a sense of unity, no matter where in the
Diaspora you originate. So calling yourself an African American does
not make you any less Jamaican.
POSTED APRIL 13, 1998
Suzie, 26, black
<Ebonique@msn.com>,
Queens, NY
FURTHER NOTICE:
I don't believe "African American" should be used to name
all black people. I noticed there's a tendency for non-American
blacks to distinguish themselves from those born in the United States
for a few reasons. First, American blacks tend to have a negative
reputation (i.e. lazy, uneducated, criminals, with an overall bad
attitude). Also, blacks from the Caribbean have a distinctly European
culture. Therefore, I believe they may feel inferior to American-born
blacks. I've also found that white people do not find European and
Island blacks as intimidating as their American counterparts.
Finally, I've noticed American blacks choose to segregate themselves
from whites while non-American blacks are more willing to assimilate
with the "white" culture.
POSTED JULY 21, 1998
L.S.B., Orlando, FL
FURTHER NOTICE 2:
I am American born. I am black. I do not consider myself
African at all. At my age, I am secure enough not to be influenced by
what friends say, or to bend to their pressure. You must keep that
freedom to decide for yourself what is right for yourself. I do not
believe you are running away from anything. Stand strong in your own
belief, because as Janie learned in Zora Neale Hurston's Their
Eyes Were Watching God, "Two things everybody's got tuh do fuh
theyselves. They got tuh go tuh God, and they got tuh find out about
livin' fuh theyselves."
POSTED NOV. 16, 1998
Siobhan, black female
<siobhan_101@hotmail.com>,
Baltimore, MD
To respond
BACK TO TOP
THE QUESTION:
R36: This is directed mostly to a black family, I suppose:
What is said by the parents when a teenager with no job or access to
money comes home with a $200 boom-box, or pair of shoes, or a leather
jacket, that the parents have never seen before?
POSTED MARCH 16, 1998
Dick A., 72, white, Santa Rosa, CA
ANSWER 1:
I would suppose that any responsible parent black or
otherwise would question the teenager, since they know their child
did not purchase these items. But please understand that this happens
in all families: black, white, Hispanics, etc. So please do not
assume that black families just turn the other way when someone comes
home with an item they could not have possibly paid for. Yes, it is
true that it may be accepted in some homes, no questions asked. But
that is not true for the overwhelming majority of households where
parents work hard everyday to provide their children with anything
that they might need or want. In short, acquiring goods or other
things by illegal means is not acceptable in the black family. It's
not a black issue - it's a moral issue.
POSTED MARCH 18, 1998
T. Lofton
<tllofton@pop3.occ.cc.mi.us>
Detroit , MI
FURTHER NOTICE:
You are directing your question to a black family, but
what of non-black families in which this happens? Such actions are
not the monopoly of any ethnic group. Children do things that are
wrong, and hopefully the parents are paying attention enough so that
the child is found out before they get into real trouble. If not,
there will be more and more kids growing up as criminals. Criminals
are not limited to blacks, though.
POSTED MARCH 20, 1998
Apryl P., black, Oak Park, MI
To respond
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THE QUESTION:
R35: Why are so many convenient stores owned or operated by
people of (apparent) Eastern Indian ancestry? No complaints. They are
always friendly and efficient. I'm just confounded by this
phenomenon.
POSTED MARCH 16, 1998
Steve G., Davie, FL
RELATED QUESTION:
R35A: Steve's question brings a similar question to mind: Why
are so many East Indian people either owners or managers of
independent motels, and why do a large percentage have the last name
"Patel'?
POSTED MARCH 19, 1998
Dick A.,
<richarda@sonic.net>,
Santa Rosa, CA
ANSWER 1:
I live in a suburban neighborhood near Detroit, and there
are many gas stations and party stores in my town. The strange thing
is that there is only one party store that is not owned by someone of
Middle Eastern descent. I am not by any means racist, but I admit
that it is somewhat disturbing. I have been told the reason for so
many people of this race owning gas stations and party stores is that
when they come to America, it is an easy and familiar business to
upkeep and make good money. Also, they are given a huge tax break for
seven years when they arrive in the United States, and once those
seven years are up, they sell the business to a relative and they
receive the same break for the next seven years, and so it continues
down the line.
POSTED MARCH 23, 1998
K.V., white, near Detroit, MI
FURTHER NOTICE:
K.V. is partly correct. India has many communities and
language, culture, caste, religion issues that are far more serious
and historical than race issues in the United States. Patels are
actually mostly a community who even in India are shop/small business
owners. Which is why most small stores owners in the United States
and even in the United Kingdom, I believe, are Patels. I haven't seen
so many Patels in India, though. A lot of Punjabis are agriculturists
in India, and many of those in the United States and Canada own large
farms and orchards. Many people from the south of India are
"techies," which why many south Indians in the United States are in
computers. Incidentally, East India (or the Indies) refers to what is
now Indonesia, so India does not need a location qualifier.
POSTED APRIL 14, 1998
Amit, Indian (Punjabi)
<amit@well.com>, Austin,
TX
FURTHER NOTICE 2:
To K.V.: Why do you find the trend of Middle Eastern-owned
party stores disturbing? You say you are not racist, yet your use of
the term "disturbing" itself disturbs me. Do you feel threatened by
them? Are you worried they're building an underground terrorist cell
and are planning to blow up a building? Have the Middle Easterners
owning those stores showed any sort of improper, criminal or immoral
behavior? If so, are all Middle Easterners like that? The vast
majority of Fortune 500 CEOs are white males. Should I be disturbed
about that? You see, it is very common among immigrant minority
populations to be prevalent in certain businesses for the following
reasons: One or two initial families get their foot in the door in a
particular business, then through hard work, networking, informal
credit and pooling of resources, they get their brothers, sisters,
cousins, friends and relatives involved in the business. Before long,
a certain ethnic group seems to "dominate" a certain type of
business, but there is no "conspiracy" or "devious plan" involved.
There are other examples , such as Indian Gujarati Patels and motels,
Vietnamese and manicurists, etc.
POSTED NOV. 21, 1998
Mihir, Indian-American male, 25
<mishah@vt.edu>, Skokie,
IL
FURTHER NOTICE 3:
I am from Detroit and have noticed that many of the corner
stores are owned and operated by Middle Easterners. It's not that I
have a problem with this. It is upsetting, however, to see that the
majority of the stores/gas stations are not owned and operated by
blacks, considering the city is majority black. I just don't
understand how we (African Americans) can allow them to earn a living
off us in our own communities. It doesn't make sense to me.
POSTED APRIL 13, 1999
S.T., black female, college student
<turnersa@pilot.msu.edu>,
East lansing, MI
To respond
BACK TO TOP
THE QUESTION:
R34: Why do most blacks believe that discrimination is based
on skin color? Most thinking whites believe that discrimination is
based on behavior, either bizarre, hostile or rude.
POSTED MARCH 16, 1998
L. Shaw, Detroit
ANSWER 1:
I find it odd that you say "most thinking whites" believe
discrimination is based on behavior. I would say that most of the
"thinking" people I know, white and otherwise, believe discrimination
is based on prejudice, and prejudice is based on false assumptions,
not actual experience. A prejudiced person sees or hears an
unacceptable behavior and assumes that all people who match the "same
description" (race, religion, gender, etc.) will have that same
behavior, rather than just attributing the rudeness or distasteful
habit to that particular individual. Even if a group of individuals
shows the same rudeness, it does not define all individuals that
happen to match the group's overall characteristics.
POSTED MARCH 18, 1998
Annie M., 45
<mcuhouse@nemonet.com>
New London , MO
To respond
BACK TO TOP
THE QUESTION:
R33: I am a black male who takes the time to iron my clothes
every day. For some reason, my white co-workers find this
interesting. Why is it that white people do not iron their
clothing?
POSTED MARCH 17, 1998
Kenneth L., 32, Detroit, MI
ANSWER 1:
Perhaps people find it unusual that a man irons his
clothes, not that a black person does this. My husband, who does all
of his own ironing, has encountered the same thing you have. He has
had men and women, black and white, ask where he gets his shirts
done. At an office party last year one of his co-workers (a black
woman) asked me if it was true that Matthew ironed his own clothes.
When I said yes, she told me that she had never known a man who
ironed his own clothes. So I think it is the male stereotype at work
here, not the fact that you are black.
POSTED MARCH 19, 1998
Michelle V. , 32, white
<MVroman@prodigy.net>
Detroit , MI
FURTHER NOTICE:
It's not an issue of race when it comes to ironing, it's
an issue of class. If you wear clothes unironed, you look like a
slob, therefore you probably are. Since you iron your clothes, you
obviously have class. Those who make fun of you have none, so don't
sweat it brother.
POSTED MARCH 19, 1998
Melissa, 17, white, Algonac, MI -
FURTHER NOTICE 2:
Stating that white people do not iron their clothes is a
generalization based on anecdotal evidence. Unfortunately, you did
not state in your posting where you work. I am a white male who
always (with the exception of jeans) makes sure my pants are properly
ironed before wearing. Come to think of it, the other males in my
office (who are all white) also wear properly ironed pants.
POSTED MARCH 19, 1998
Michael Z., 27
<Mjick@aol.com>
Southfield , MI
FURTHER NOTICE 3:
Since I buy my clothes for convenience and not fashion, I
find anyone who irons clothes unusual. Since I am a 37-year-old
father who works in engineering, style is pretty low on my list of
priorities. A couple of pairs of permanent-pressed Dockers and an
assortment of nice dress shirts foot the bill quite nicely. Contrary
to the one writer, with some care (i.e. don't wad them up when you
take them off) these clothes look fine without ironing. I even buy
all my work clothes to match each other. Since I get up for work
before my wife and kids, I can get dressed in the dark this way
without waking anyone up. Basically, it's just too darned hard for me
to be real stylish.
Peter P., white <PPROUT20@aol.com>
Redford, MI
FURTHER NOTICE 4:
My stepfather who is black happens to iron his clothes for
hours on end; so much that even after washing them you could clearly
see the creases. It does not matter what they are, he irons them just
the same. His explanation to me is he did not have nice clothes
growing up (thrift store clothing) and ironing them made them look
nicer and last longer. He's now known as a sharp dresser because no
matter what he's wearing, it looks great!
POSTED JUNE 27, 1998
S.B. 25, Hispanic female, St. Johns, MI
To respond
BACK TO TOP
THE QUESTION:
R32: How much support does Jesse Jackson have in the black
community?
POSTED MARCH 15, 1998
Dee H., Atlanta, GA
To answer
BACK TO TOP
THE QUESTION:
R31: What is the basis for the words "cracker" and
"honky"?
POSTED MARCH 15, 1998
Cheryl M., Detroit MI
(Similar question posted April 18, 1998 by Bill, 22, white male,
Detroit.)
ANSWER 1:
One version of the origin of the term "cracker" is that it
originally applied to early settlers of south Georgia and north
Florida. These people migrated from the more populated regions
further north and traveled by wagons pulled by oxen. To get the oxen
to pull, the drivers cracked whips. Oxen were also used to clear the
land, hence more whip-cracking. Since these settlers were mostly poor
and illiterate, the word "cracker" was and is used synonymously with
redneck and white trash.
"Honky" is derived from "hunky" or "bohunk," a pejorative applied
to poor, illiterate immigrants from central Europe. When
African-Americans adopted the word as an ethnic slur, it became
"honky" applied to whites in general.
POSTED MARCH 17, 1998
Paul T., 64, Middleburg, FL
FURTHER NOTICE:
The term "honky," from what I was educated on, was a
nickname given to white men in the South. They would go into black
ghettos to solicit black female prostitutes. Upon entering the
ghetto, they would signal the prostitutes for business by honking
their horns to make them aware of the offer of sex for money.
"Cracker" refers to a white Anglo Saxons skin color being
light-complected - the same shade as a saltine cracker in
appearance.
POSTED MARCH 19, 1998
Dick F.
<Dfitzwell@aol.com>
Sterling Heights, MI
To respond
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