Sexual Orientation
Questions 1-10
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THE
QUESTION:
SO10: Why do some straight people assume that the children of a
gay couple will become gay? I, like most gay men, came from straight
parents, yet I'm gay.
POSTED MARCH 19, 1998
Mike O., Ann Arbor, MI
ANSWER 1:
In my opinon, many people who are naive about the origins
of human sexuality believe children are inherently asexual and will
"absorb" sexual feelings from adults around them, sort of like the
butter placed next to the onion in the refrigerator.
POSTED APRIL 23, 1998
Lew T., 52, married, gay with children
<lthom3@aol.com>
Grosse Pointe, MI
FURTHER NOTICE:
I feel it's because of the "recruiting" myth we in the gay
and lesbian community face from the religious right. Since we cannot
reproduce "naturally," we have to recruit helpless boys and girls
into our lifestyle. Nothing could be further from the truth!
POSTED AUG. 31, 1998
Marlene
<marleneb@wcnet.org>,
N. Baltimore, OH
FURTHER NOTICE 2:
I have strong suspicions this has to do with a
long-standing "straight" community view that same-sexuality (is that
a word?) is a "wrong" condition, almost like an illness (as in the
view by some that homosexuality can be "cured"). After all, while a
healthy person can "catch" a cold from a sick person, you'd never
expect a sick person to "catch" health from a healthy person! (The
old "rotten apple" superstition. Why is it never said that one good
apple will make a barrel of rotten apples good?)
POSTED SEPT. 28, 1998
Athena W., 47, bisexual, Houston, TX
To respond
BACK TO TOP
THE
QUESTION:
SO9: I was just wondering why some gay males act very feminine,
while others tend to act relatively "normal."
POSTED MARCH 19, 1998
R.Y.,22, Detroit suburb, MI
(Similar question posted June 10, 1998, by Marty, 51,
Martysus@ix.netcom.com, Mission Viejo, CA)
ANSWER 1:
One theory is that sexual orientation is genetic and
hormonal. Nobody chooses to be gay (however, there are exceptions to
the rule). Some people who are sexually predisposed to be gay have
more of a hormonal imbalance. For instance, a gay man who acts
feminine has more of an imbalance than a gay man who acts straight.
Also, the same is true for women. Lesbians who act manly have more of
an imbalance than lesbians who act like a woman.
POSTED MARCH 20, 1998
Petro, 24, E. Lansing, MI
FURTHER NOTICE:
As a gay male psychology student who has studied all of the current
pertinent theories about sexual orientation - and quite a bit on
gender identity, I must strongly disagree with Petro's explanation.
There is no evidence that genetics or hormone levels affect
masculinity or femininity beyond denoting our biological sex, despite
many studies that have sought to find such a correlation.
When it comes to gender conformity, gay, lesbian, and bisexual
people are no different from heterosexual people. The difference is
in the socialization that gay, lesbian and bisexual individuals
experience. Once an individual identifies, or even suspects they are
homosexual, they naturally try to find meaning in that and look to
society to provide "role models" or other ideas of acceptable
behavior within that identity. What they often find are stereotypes
that present gay men as effeminate and lesbians as butch. Many people
unconsciously emulate and internalize these stereotypes, adopting
mannerisms that meet societal expectations. Most gay men, lesbians
and bisexual people are not identifiable by such mannerisms, however.
The majority of us are indistinguishable from heterosexuals unless we
choose to reveal our sexual orientation.
Tony T., 31, Milwaukee, WI
FURTHER NOTICE 2:
I think the need to develop a theory as to why homosexuals prefer
same-sex partners, etc. is assuming that heterosexuality is "normal"
and feminine women and masculine men are "normal." This assumption is
flawed in that there are many masculine straight women and many
feminine straight men, as well as a variety of variances in between
among straight, gay and bisexuals. People come with many different
qualities and characteristics with varied sexual preferences. No one
style, in my opinion, is the norm.
K.R., 32, lesbian, Milwaukee, WI
FURTHER NOTICE 3:
K.R. claims that the assumption that heterosexuality is
"normal" behavior is flawed. I would like to point out that we are a
species that reproduces sexually. This means that in order to produce
offspring, one member of each sex is needed. If a species that
reproduces sexually is comprised of homosexual individuals, then that
species will die out. How can heterosexuality be anything but
"normal" behavior?
POSTED MARCH 28, 1998
N.T., 19, straight white male, Mich.
FURTHER NOTICE 4:
As a gay man in San Francisco, I have seen a spectrum of
masculine/feminine behavior in both straight and gay people. Perhaps
the reason there seems such a difference between the behaviors of men
who seem very masculine and those who do not has more to do with the
fear the "butch" men have of being mistaken for homosexuals. Some gay
men also wish not to be "pegged" as homosexuals for safety reasons
when they are in a threatening environment; and even among their
peers, some gay men feel masculine behavior will make them more
attractive to potential mates.
Often, masculine qualities and mannerisms are as much an
affectation as the effeminate qualities society has attached to gay
men in general: A "masculine" man may act butch by speaking without
inflection, in low tones that do not reflect the passion or emotions
he feels; he may walk purposefully, intentionally limiting the swing
of his arms or hips to avoid being seen as a "swisher"; he may "dress
down" and avoid the "flair" of color or accents that people associate
with gays. These attempts to distance themselves from gay stereotypes
makes even the normal expressions of all men, gay or straight, much
more polarized, and I know there are plenty of straight men in the
world who have been questioned about their sexuality simply because
their natural expressions of voice, walk, dress or other qualities
did not fall into someone else's rigid definition of masculinity.
Some gay men have found enough support for their individuality
that they feel they can dispense with any kind of masculine
affectation ("I've already admitted I'm gay -- the 'worst' has
already happened: Why bother trying to hide it as if it's bad when
it's just the way I am?"), and still others affect a feminine persona
to bond with others who feel similarly, and also for comic, "camp"
effect. There simply is just no one way of being, gay or
straight.
Bill G., 28, gay man, San Francisco, CA
FURTHER NOTICE 5:
I'd like to counter N.T. of Michigan above, who argues
that heterosexuality must be "normal" for the human race to survive.
This is a misuse of the word "normal." Certainly, for our species to
survive, a large number of humans must engage in heterosexual sex and
reproduce. But this does not mean they cannot engage in other sexual
behavior, such as bisexuality, nor does it exclude the possibility
that a significant minority of human beings can remain exclusively
homosexual. It is clear from the history of the human race that it
has always been "normal" for a certain percentage of the population
to be exclusively homosexual. This has been recorded throughout the
history of humankind, with no apparent ill effect on the population
explosion. Other animal species also include exclusively homosexual
members, and still manage to avoid extinction. In the final analysis,
"predominant" and "normal" are not the same thing.
POSTED APRIL 9, 1998
Mark M., gay white male
<marknyc@hotmail.com>,
NY, N.Y.
FURTHER NOTICE 6:
If, as one commentor asserts, homosexuality is not
associated with genes, how is it that some young kids have an innate
homosexuality? My mother, a psychologist, remembers her younger
brother being effeminate from a very early age, only playing with
girls and doing things girls do, such as playing with dolls. And it
turns out he grew up to be gay (and eventually died of AIDS.) Her
other two brothers turned out to be heterosexual, as did her two
sisters. It seems this is predetermined from a very early age, which
would lead one to believe the genetic theory.
POSTED JUNE 16, 1998
William, 20, straight, white
<wrightw@ionet.net>,
Broken Arrow, OK
FURTHER NOTICE 7:
It is very common for gay people to say that "gay people
are no more likely than straights" to have gender-related
affectations, and that "most" gay people are indistinguishable from
straight people in terms of their behavior. This is hogwash. I'm gay
and out, and I strongly feel that gay men definitely tend to be more
effeminate than straights. As for the old chestnut that gays
"internalize stereotypes" when young, I think that's a convenient way
to criticize straight people while subtley stigmatizing the
effeminate (after all, stereotypes are "bad"). As a historian, I have
seen many references to "womanly" men from the past. The stereotype
was born from reality, not the other way around.
POSTED JUNE 27, 1998
Tim C., 33, gay male
<tcran@hotmail.com>, New
York, NY
FURTHER NOTICE 8:
I'd like to counter N.T.'s assertions but from a slightly
different point of view than Mark M's. If I read N.T.'s final comment
in the right light, it would seem that he implies that heterosexuals
must either A) reproduce because they are heterosexual or B)
reproduce to prove they are heterosexual. As to the original
question, "normal" to whom? I have grown to the ripe old age of 38,
and every time someone (gay or straight) discovers I am gay, they
don't believe it. Why? Because to them, I am a "normal" straight
white male. I like powerful cars, work with computers, repair my
house and love rock & roll. My very existence shatters their
reality when it comes to normal. Within two or three weeks of them
finding out about me, they begin to question everything they thought
they knew about gay and straight. Go figure.
POSTED JULY 2 ,1998
Martin M., 38, gay white male
<panterra@borg.com>, New
Berlin, NY
FURTHER NOTICE 9:
My experience and observation convince me that how
"masculine" or "feminine" we act is based in large measure on who
gave us love and acceptance when we were very young. Many gay men are
more effeminate because in their first 2-5 years, the only adult
family members who provided unflinching emotional nurturing were
women. Role modeling is inextricably tied to the withdrawal from
nurturing by fathers and other straight males, who I believe have a
biochemical awareness that their sons are "not right." Many mothers
of gay sons overcompensate for fathers' detachment, as did mine. I am
more "masculine" not because I identified with my dad but because my
mother was a very masculine - though heterosexual - woman. Thus I
believe the myth of detached fathers and smothering mothers "causing"
homosexuality has it exactly backwards. If all fathers accepted their
gay infant sons, "effeminacy" would pass into history.
POSTED AUG. 10, 1998
Chris A.
<amoon@insync.net>,
Houston, TX
FURTHER NOTICE 10:
In response to N.T.'s remark that heterosexuality must be
the norm because of the species' need to reproduce: Wouldn't it also
serve the species to have members of the population free of the
responsibilities of child-rearing? Perhaps the homosexual population
fills an evolutionary need - to serve as military commanders,
spiritual leaders, teachers, healers, the kind of workers who must
put the welfare of the whole village before the needs of their own
children. (Not that I believe this - and gays have the same yearning
for kids that straights do - but I enjoy thinking about it.)
POSTED OCT. 15, 1998
C.J. Webbles, lesbian, Houston, TX
To respond
BACK TO TOP
THE
QUESTION:
SO8: It has been my experience that homosexuals have extreme
dislike for bisexuals. Is this true, and why?
POSTED MARCH 19, 1998
J.S., MI
ANSWER 1:
I've been active in the gay world for 25 years, both as a participant
and as a psychotherapist. Prejudice and fear about sexual variation
seems to exist nearly everywhere, including among gay people. If
people feel differently than we do about something as important and
powerful as sex, we tend to get pretty nervous. Often, if we can't
imagine feeling like those people, we make up stories about their
being bad or sick. A common myth is that bisexuals don't exist; that
if you say you're bisexual, it just means that you're all gay, but
you can't admit it yet. Unfortunately, some people really do go
through this scenario sometimes, thus reinforcing the myth. A fair
number of gay men and lesbians have been hurt by these
people-in-transition, and that tends to breed a mistrust of all
bisexuals. Bisexuality can be a lonely road. There's a lot of
mistrust from both straights and gays. This is starting to change
POSTED MARCH 24, 1998
Will H., Dallas, TX
FURTHER NOTICE:
While bisexual acceptance in the gay and lesbian community
varies from warm welcome and comraderie to discrete avoidance to open
disdain, I would describe the prejudice I've observed most often as
distrust rather than extreme dislike. This sometimes revolves around
a stereotype that bisexuals are promiscuous and cannot make a
commitment to a long-term, same-sex relationship. This transference
shows up more when a gay or lesbian has a failed relationship
involving a bisexual person. (Personally, I think I'd be hurt just as
much whether the woman I loved left me for a man, woman or no one at
all.)
But more commonly I see resentment based on a perception of
straight privilege. Gays and lesbians must continually struggle for
our rights and acceptance in society. Therefore, when someone who has
formerly been accepted as part of the gay community marries or
becomes involved in an opposite-sex relationship, community members
may feel betrayed and resent the easy acceptance by friends, family
and society of the opposite-sex partner, while gays and lesbians
continue to struggle.
Luckily, as stereotypes are dispelled and gays and lesbians gain
more acceptance from families and society, these prejudices also
dissipate. Each person is recognized as a unique individual deserving
love and respect, regardless of sexual orientation.
POSTED APRIL 30, 1998
DykeOnByke, lesbian
<DykeOnByke@aol.com>
Southfield, MI
FURTHER NOTICE 2:
Many stories that perpetuate prejudices against gay people
come from groups such as the "ex-gay" ministries, where people claim
to have been gay and were magically straightened out. These people
were in fact bisexual to begin with and make it all that much harder
for a young gay person to retain any love among their own families,
much less from the community. I have been through the process of
"straightening out" (a.k.a. if you had the right man...) and I am
still gay. My experience left me feeling resentful and hurt. If it
weren't for bisexual swinging types who are totally free, I would
never have had to go through that experience. They get to have it
all, without being accosted by anti-homosexual sentiment, because
they can go both ways. I don't exactly dislike all bisexuals, but the
ones who don't understand why I can't enjoy a menage a trois that
involves the opposite sex really are annoying. Most bisexual people
realize this, and I can get along fine with them.
POSTED JULY 17, 1998
27, lesbian, white
FURTHER NOTICE 3:
When I first started reading the newsgroups, I found one
that purported to be for gays and bis. It had taken me many years to
become sure of, and comfortable with, my own feelings and beliefs.
Imagine my shock when I read numerous posts from gays saying
basically "all you bis out there, don't say this.... don't say
that...!" with a long list, and every single item on that list was
something that was true, and important to me. It left me speechless.
Literally, I had nothing left "acceptable" I could say within that
forum. On the plus side, it made me instantly certain that, yes, I
was bi and not gay, and yes, there were certain fundamental
differences between bis and gays that had absolutely nothing to do
with sexuality and everything to do with attitude and how we view the
universe, ourselves and other human beings. Difference often makes
for conflict. I can understand that the difficulties that gays
experience with the straight community could make them gun-shy about
bis....but I would like to point out that bis seem to be an even
smaller minority than gays, we're not as politically active as yet,
and no one likes being told by someone else who we are or how we
feel....or should feel - gay, bi, straight or celibate.
POSTED SEPT. 28, 1998
Athena W., 47, bisexual, Houston, TX
To respond
BACK TO TOP
THE
QUESTION:
SO7: I am wondering
if it is politically correct for a straight person (me) to find the
movie "Birdcage" funny, or if this movie would offend a gay person.
Do gay people think this movie is funny, offensive, accurate, not
realistic ... what?
POSTED MARCH 16, 1998
Susan B., Michigan
ANSWER 1:
If you find it funny, then you find it funny. It doesn't matter what
other people think. Your feelings and opinions are yours and don't
need to be vetted by someone else. Do gay people find the movie
offensive? Yes, I'm sure some do. I, a gay man, thought it was
hysterical. Is it realistic? Probably not. But so what, it's a movie.
There are effeminate gay men, there are drag queens, but they're not
the entire gay community. I'm not one, so I can't say how the average
drag queen feels about the movie. Yes, the movie has fun with
stereotypes, and as long as you realize that's what's going on, I
don't see a problem with it. I would also point out the many positive
aspects of the characters. They are a long-term, loving couple. They
care about their son (and many gay people do have children). And in
the end, they win over the big bad bigot. My yardstick for judging
humor about minorities is this: Who's telling the joke, who are they
telling it to, and how is it intended? Since this was an upbeat,
funny movie, I say it's fine, whatever stereotypes it employed. The
lisping, cowardly hairdresser in 1996's "The Rock" on the other hand,
I found deeply offensive. For more discussion of this, read Vito
Russo's "The Celluloid Closet" or rent the film of the same name.
POSTED MARCH 20, 1998
B.T., age 35, Boston , MA
FURTHER NOTICE:
As a gay male I found this movie cliche, unoriginal and
silly. The stereotypes are true for a few of us. For most of us, they
are not. Personally, I am bored with them.
POSTED JULY 18, 1998
David, 35, Houston, TX
To respond
BACK TO TOP
THE
QUESTION:
SO6: What type of Christian organizations are available to gays?
Are there certain denominations that are more open to gays, or is it
a function of an individual pastor, priest or minister?
POSTED MARCH 16, 1998
Eric S., student, University of Kansas, Lawrence
ANSWER 1:
To say "Christian organizations for gays" struck me as an oxymoron. I
grew up in an Assemblies of God church, so I can't answer for any
other denominations. There aren't many Christian organizations
offered to gays for a simple reason: In the Bible, God says being gay
is wrong. So for Christians to accept gayness into their congregation
and even offer organizations isn't very common. I do know some
denominations are a little more lenient towards being gay. I have
heard of a Methodist church reinstating a pastor even after
performing gay wedding ceremonies, so they are out there.
POSTED MARCH 19, 1998
Jackie, MI
FURTHER NOTICE:
There is an organization formed in 1969 for gays, lesbians, bisexual
and transgendered people called the Universal Fellowship of
Metropolitan Churches. There are approximately 3,000 churches
worldwide that belong to UFMC. Many of the pastors of these churches
are gay men and lesbians who have been "defrocked" from mainstream
churches because of their sexual orientation. The founder of the
church is the Rev. Troy D. Perry. The mother church resides in Los
Angelas. The Rev. Perry has written several books about his church's
struggle, including "The Lord is My Shepherd and He Knows I'm Gay,"
"Our God Too!" and "Don't Be Afraid Anymore".
POSTED MARCH 19,1998
Pete, 25, gay white male
Detroit , MI
FURTHER NOTICE 2:
In addition to Metropolitan Community Church, a number of more
mainstream denominations have national organizations specifically
geared toward gays and lesbians. For instance, Dignity in the
Catholic Church and Integrity in the Episcopal. Certain cities have
specific services for gays. For instance, in Philadelphia, Grace
Covenant Church is an evangelical/ charistmatic gay and lesbian
congregation. Beyond that, there are no denominational distinctions -
some congregations are simply more welcoming than others.
POSTED MARCH 24, 1998
A.J., lesbian and Episcopalian, Wilkes Barre, PA
FURTHER NOTICE 3:
Some churches have "reconciling congregations," individual
congregations that have chosen to actively seek the inclusion of gay
folk in their group. An example is the Wallingford Methodist Church
in Seattle, Wash. In addition, while not strictly "Christian,"
Universalist Unitarian churches seem to care not one wit about
anyone's sexual orientation. Rather, all "orientations" are valued
and sought out for the wisdom they can impart to the rest of us.
POSTED MARCH 28, 1998
Tim R.
<ransom@nwrain.com>,
Olympia, WA
FURTHER NOTICE 4:
To determine what the Bible says about gays requires an understanding
of the context in which the subject is addressed. Because "Christian"
implies an acceptance of the New Testament, many of the "Old Laws" of
the Old Testament are no longer valid. For example, Christians are no
longer forbidden to trim their beards (this law is stated in the same
passages that refer to homosexuality). In the New Testament, Paul
makes an ambiguous reference which some think refers to
homosexuality. However these are words by a common man, subject to
the same biases and ignorance we all are subject to (these words were
not spoken by Jesus).
POSTED JUNE 10, 1998
Kirk, 32, gileno@ibm.net, Ontario, CA
FURTHER NOTICE 5:
Unitarian Universalism is a creedless church and has not only had a
Gay/Lesbian Committee for many years, but encouraged its ministers to
perform same-sex unions. Although I now make my living as a divorce
lawyer and Bed & Breakfast Reservation Service owner, I came to
Honolulu as a UU parish minister and have performed several same-sex
unions in recent years - as has the current minister of the Unitarian
Church of Honolulu. UUs aren't hung up on sexual orientation.
Character and social justice are far more important issues.
POSTED JULY 1, 1998
Gene B.
<Gene@aloha-bnb.com >,
Honolulu, HI
To respond
BACK TO TOP
THE QUESTION:
SO5: Do gays/lesbians automatically assume that all straight
people look down on them for their sexual orientation, therefore not
affording the opportunity for conversation or maybe friendship with a
straight person?
POSTED MARCH 16, 1998
Bill G., Pensacola FL
ANSWER 1:
First of all, no, all gays and lesbians do not believe that everyone
in the heterosexual community looks down on them. I am a lesbian and
I have more heterosexual friends than homosexual. It's not because I
prefer to be friends with heterosexuals; I just happen to know more
heterosexuals than homosexuals. If someone doesn't like me, I try
very hard to not assume it's because I'm a lesbian. I'm not a member
of any gay-rights groups, other than the National Lesbian and Gay
Journalists Association, and I don't participate in gay-rights
marches. But I live my life just as openly an any heterosexual
person. I do that so that others may see that gay people are just
like them or just as different as anyone else. I do it so that there
can be open dialogue. I always welcome questions from heterosexuals,
so that we can all understand each other as much as possible. I want
there to always be opportunity for conversation and friendship with
anyone, no matter what. And I believe most gay people feel the same
as I do.
POSTED MARCH 18, 1998
R. Spivey, 38, Hampton, VA
FURTHER NOTICE:
I live with a lesbian couple, one a close relative. From my
experience, lesbians and gays do not "prefer" to speak only to other
homosexuals, nor do they look down upon heterosexuals. If anything,
gays and lesbians are some of the most open-minded people out there,
because they spend most of their lives being ridiculed for other
feelings. Nonetheless, I have found that I would rather have people
of diverse sexual orientation as friends because they are less
judgmental.
POSTED MARCH 19, 1998
Karen, 26, MI
<Libraslove@aol.com>
FURTHER NOTICE 2:
I don't expect straight people to think less of me because I'm not
straight - differently, maybe, but not less. In fact, I'm always
surprised when that happens; fortunately, it's somewhat rare. It's
still surprising to me how much it hurts my feelings to have somebody
suddenly refuse to have anything to do with me when they realize I'm
queer, though. A lot of my friends are queer, but a lot are straight,
too. With my queer friends, there is an extra sense of community - we
share the same life experiences, in a way that straight people can't.
It's more of a cultural thing than anything else - we grew up in very
similar ways and had to overcome a lot of heterosexual assumptions
and a lot of internalized prejudice to get to where we are in our
lives.
POSTED MARCH 24, 1998
Julie C, 30, lesbian of wildly varied ethnic background
<nobozos@feist.com>
Wichita, KS
FURTHER NOTICE 3:
I think it really depends on the person. Men who are very effeminate,
women who are very butch and transsexual women who do not pass often
get so much abuse (ranging from not being served lunch at the
restaraunt to being attacked and beaten up) that yes, there is a lot
of fear and bitterness, and the expectation that someone who is
straight - or even someone queer who blends better - will despise
them. I think everyone who is less that the cultural ideal of white,
male, straight and Christian has some of this to deal with. Some
people do really well and never have that kind of cringing
expectation of rejection, even though they get a lot of abuse, while
others simply break under the load.
Jessica, 33, Tryke
<jessicalh@hotmail.com>,
Seattle, WA
FURTHER NOTICE 4:
Some "dead churches" may accept gays, but they (those churches)
surely will die. Satan is alive and well, and his only reason for
being here is to steal, kill and destroy. I feel that homosexuality
is a weapon of choice to do these things. These words are forceful,
but written with love.
POSTED JUNE 8, 1998
T. Schultze, tschultze@hotmail.com, CA
FURTHER NOTICE 5:
To T. Schultze: Your remark that your words are "written with love"
sums up everything about the Christian church that makes me distrust
it. There is nothing lovable about being a pawn of Satan. You either
love us or you don't. Speaking with a forked tongue won't help anyone
learn.
POSTED JUNE 27, 1998
Tim C. 33, gay white male
<tcran@hotmail.com>, New
York, NY
FURTHER NOTICE 6:
To T. Schultze: I feel for you to say essentially that "you people
have chosen to be tools of Satan" but that your message is "written
with love" is psychologically un-self-aware and ludicrous. This is a
"kill kill, kiss kiss" brand of Christianity.
POSTED AUG. 18, 1998
Max M., 44, gay
<QTeacher@pacbell.net>,
Oakland, CA
FURTHER NOTICE 7:
To T. Schultze: Webster's New World Dictionary defines love as
"strong affection or liking for someone or something." I'm curious
what person or thing you have affection or liking for that causes you
to label an entire group of people thieves, vandals and murderers
without even knowing them.
POSTED SEPT. 28, 1998
Athena W., 47, bisexual, Houston, TX
FURTHER NOTICE 8:
I find it very telling when a question asking if all gays assume all
heterosexuals hate them is answered with a statement that churches
who accept these "tools of Satan" will die. I think that answers the
question loud and clear. We hear messages of hate more often.
POSTED DEC. 2, 1998
Craig, gay male, 35, not a tool of Satan
<cmorris@loft.org>,
Minneapolis, MN
FURTHER NOTICE 9:
To T. Schultze: I am sure the Jews, Protestants and various other
so-called Tools of Satan felt a great deal of love at the hand of the
Spanish Inquisition. To Craig: Most of the posts to this question
have been positive. My own experience in coming out to various
persons, or just living openly, has been a mixed bag. Though positive
experiences have been predominant, the negative ones are what I
remember. It seems to me that most of the negative reactions, from
violent to merely offensive, have been from strangers, nearly all of
whom have been young males. Mark Twain said that all boys should be
put in a barrel and fed through the bung hole until they are 18. I
believe he was trying to be funny, but still...
POSTED DEC. 7, 1998
Timothy, gay male,
<dreambent@aol.com>, San
Francisco, CA
To respond
BACK TO TOP
THE
QUESTION:
SO4: I'm a heterosexual who likes to go to a gay bar occasionally.
Is that disrespectful of homosexual people's desire to have a place
of their own? Are there things I should or shouldn't be doing?
POSTED MARCH 9, 1998
Michelle G., Gainesville, FL
ANSWER 1:
Good question. I am also a heterosexual who goes to gay bars. But I
go with a friend who is gay. It is his hangout. I go with him because
he feels more comfortable in a place where he can be "out." Being
female, I stick out a bit, but not a great deal. If you have friends
at the bar and you enjoy being there, don't worry. Being gay is not
an exclusive little social club. Anyone can go to a gay bar. No one
inside really cares, as long as you are there to have fun - not to
persecute or "look at the queers." Enjoy. A lot of fun can happen in
a place where people feel totally free to be who they really are.
Appreciate the people around you, gay, straight, bisexual or
whatever.
POSTED MARCH 11, 1998
L.K., Michigan
FURTHER NOTICE:
Writing as someone decidedly not straight, I'd like to say thanks for
coming out to gay bars on occasion. Whenever I meet a straight person
who can go to a gay place and have fun, not be freaked out, I feel
really happy. I don't want to act like I'm a freak; I want people to
treat the places I like just like they're part of the world. I mean,
I can go to straight places and have a good time, so why not the
other way around? The only time it isn't fun is when the straight
person is there to stare, to stand there and look at people like
they're animals in a zoo, or stand there and make insults, or fight
people, or whatever. If you're just going to have a good time, then
just keep right on doing it!
POSTED MARCH 12, 1998
Wendy D., 23, Atlanta
FURTHER NOTICE 2:
I am a bisexual woman married to a gay man, and we frequent the one
gay bar in our state often. We have met quite a few straight people
there, and no one seems to resent them. The one thing I would say is
that some heterosexuals say they would be "freaked" or offended if a
homosexual "hit on them." Please don't be offended. Sometimes you
really can't tell if someone is gay or not, and if you are in a gay
bar, the assumption is that you are gay. Just tell the person you are
straight, and there is no problem at all.
POSTED JUNE 14, 1998
Mel W., bisexual, married to gay man
<felyciti69@aol.com>,
Sioux Falls, SD
FURTHER NOTICE 3:
I am a heterosexual female who attends a gay bar every weekend. I
find it more laid-back, fun and with better music than most
"straight" clubs. You can be yourself and no one looks at you like a
freak. This club started as predominantly gay but now many straights
frequent the place and it has become quite the hot spot in Portland.
If you have fun, keep going! A lot of my gay friends don't mind
having straight people at "their" club, as long as they know it's a
gay club. Nothing upsets me more than to see straight people freak
out and pick fights at a gay club. If you're homophobic, don't
go.
POSTED JUNE 27, 1998
Ravynne, 28, white female
<ravynnes@aol.com>,
Portland, OR
FURTHER NOTICE 4:
Michelle: I am a gay student at the University of Florida, and I
visit the same gay club you may have visited. I enjoy seeing straight
and gay people in the club. I find the atmosphere that is produced by
this very accepting, and I feel better about myself when there are
straight people also in the bar who are supportive of my lifestyle.
Since I am relatively young (19), I would find the environment in the
club very hostile if there were only gay men inside. Therefore, I
welcome the presence of straight people (and all other types of
people) in the club. As far as what you should or should not do, you
should act as you would in any other bar. Just be whoever you are,
and respectful of how others are as well.
POSTED JUNE 28, 1998
J.T. <guyuf@yahoo.com>,
Gainesville, FL
FURTHER NOTICE 5:
A gay bar is, first and foremost, a public place of business, and you
can patronize it for whatever reason as long as you obey the laws of
your state and local government while there (just as you would in any
other public place of business). As a rational, thoughtful human
being, however, you might ask yourself why you want to spend your
time and money there - do you legitimately have a good time there and
enjoy the surroundings? If so, no one there should have a problem
with you being there. If, on the other hand, you are going there to
gawk, cause trouble for other patrons or do anything illegal or
unethical, why not spend your time some other way?
POSTED JUNE 30, 1998
James B., 34, straight male patron of gay bars, Minneapolis, MN
FURTHER NOTICE 6:
You've got every right to go into a gay bar, but as a gay
man, I have to say I'd rather you didn't. Not unless you're there
with a queer friend. Straight people have a billion bars to go to; we
often want to go to a gay bar just as a break from straight hegemony.
I'll even go farther and say I don't much resent a straight woman
being there, because I think straight women and gay people share a
frequent desire to be away from straight men. Maybe there should be
straight women bars?
POSTED AUG. 18, 1998
Max M., 44, gay man
<qteacher@pacbell.net>,
Oakland, CA
FURTHER NOTICE 7:
If people have a problem with it, it is because they can't
go into a straight bar without being harrassed. Generally, people
don't care, or are welcoming. However, remember where you are. In our
town, one bar became a hip place for straight people to go,
especially the drag lounge. Unfortunately, bridal showers would come
and mock people. A friend of mine asked a guy to dance, and the guy
said, "I'm not gay! Why would you say that?" "Uh, because you are in
a gay bar." Well, after some comments about needing to work out his
issues, my friend was knocked to the floor, and the guy broke his
nose, cheek and jaw. This happened every couple of days once straight
men started showing up. So if you are going to go to a gay bar, show
some respect and class.
POSTED DEC. 2, 1998
Craig, 35, gay and wish all bars were mixed
<cmorris@loft.org>,
Minneapolis, MN
To respond
BACK TO TOP
THE QUESTION:
SO3: I've noticed that many lesbians have a similar haircut,
with the sides trimmed and the back long. Has anyone else noticed
this? No offense intended, just curious.
POSTED MARCH 9, 1998
Rolando, Cuban-American, mid-30s, Miami, FL
ANSWER 1:
This haircut (short on the sides, long in the back) is fairly common
among lesbians, but it doesn't mean anything really significant. Some
women use that haircut as a kind of identification, so they can
"tell" people they're lesbians, but most do it just because they like
the haircut. I don't know why so many lesbians like that haircut, but
a lot do. It's just a popular style. FYI, you can be a lesbian and
not have that haircut; most lesbians don't, after all. You can also
be straight and have that haircut; a lot of straight women do. You
can even be a lesbian and think that haircut is ugly, no matter what
the sexual orientation of the person wearing it. It's just a
haircut.
POSTED MARCH 12, 1998
Wendy D., bisexual/queer, 23, Atlanta, GA
FURTHER NOTICE:
Back in the days before the infamous motorcyle helmet
laws, I used to have long kinky "Amy Irving" hair, but decided that
having it blowing in my face when I looked behind me was dangerous.
Combing out the knots or braiding it was a pain, too. So was getting
a perm. So I got it cut like my kid sister's riding partner (both
straight) just because I liked her haircut. I think a lot of sports
jocks (both lesbian and straight), campers and other active women
like this haircut (short on sides, longer or tail in back) because it
is low-maintenance and easy to take care of. Just get up in the
morning, shower and run out the door. No muss, no fuss, no makeup. I
also like to wear an ear cuff, and hair trimmed over the ears shows
ear cuffs more clearly than longer hair. But it works easiest with
straight hair. I rarely see lesbians with curly hair, kinky hair or
black lesbians with this haircut. Although most lesbians don't have
this haircut, it is a popular style.
POSTED MARCH 21, 1998
Dyke On Byke, lesbian with common dyke hair cut
<DykeOnByke@aol.com>
Southfield , MI
To respond
BACK TO TOP
THE QUESTION:
SO2: Why are people afraid of gays teaching in schools? Do
they think they might try to convert the kids or take advantage of
them?
POSTED JAN. 23, 1998
Pat D., Jacksonville
ANSWER 1:
This can be attributed to a simple ignorance about us as gay human
beings. Gay people certainly do not try to recruit others. I already
have a toaster-oven! Why would I possibly want to actively bring
someone into a lifestyle in which that person could be verbally and
physically abused just for being themselves? Definitely not my first
choice! As a gay man, I am a lot like other men my own age. I have a
beard, I love baseball and I'd rather be fishing than shopping any
day of the week. Shoot, I could not even begin to hum a tune from a
musical. I've never even been to one!
Each of us is as different as the next person. And, we have a lot
of similarities as well. If I were a teacher, I can only imagine that
I wouldn't actively discuss my life in the classroom as a means of
"winning over" another. A teacher is there to impart lessons,
information, love and a thirst for knowledge that should last a
lifetime.
POSTED MARCH 9, 1998
William N., Biscayne Park, FL
FURTHER NOTICE:
In my opinion, most people who fear gay teachers in
schools are probably confusing homosexuality with pedophilia - two
entirely separate and distinct sexual orientations, neither one of
which has anything to do with the other. The other possible issue is
a moral one: There are lots of people who consider homosexuality an
offense against God, and want their kids to have nothing to do with
anyone who practices it.
POSTED MARCH 10, 1998
Glenn P., 39, Washington, NJ
FURTHER NOTICE 2:
I believe the second half of Glenn P.'s answer accounts
for the majority of objections to gay and lesbian teachers. In
voluntary, small group discussions two years ago meant to break down
hostile barriers between members of our corporate-sanctioned
gay/lesbian/bisexual employee group and one of numerous Bible study
groups that meet during lunch time at my company, gay and lesbian
teachers was one of the subjects discussed. Some Bible study members
(including non-parents) opposed their tax dollars being paid toward
the salaries of gay teachers, because the parents disapproved of
homosexuality. It shocked them to realize that some gays and lesbians
are also taxpaying parents of mainly heterosexual school students. No
parental concerns about pedophilia were voiced. Their main concern
seemed to be that their children might somehow accept and respect a
gay teacher or eventually disagree with parental disapproval of
homosexuality - a desire to mold their children's moral values.
I suspect some parents fear their children might be "tempted" to
"become" gay by knowing a positive role model. Even after productive,
year-long discussions and logical, reasoned arguments to the
contrary, some Bible study members still felt homosexuality was a
"choice," a potential "choice" they want to discourage their children
from taking.
POSTED JUNE 18, 1998
DykeOnByke, lesbian mother and gay-lesbian-bi employee group
officer,<DykeOnByke@aol.com>,
Southfield, MI
FURTHER NOTICE 3:
I believe parents have a right to be concerned about
homosexual teachers having so much prolonged contact with so many
children. Parents already know that teachers have strong influence
over children regarding environmental issues, racial tolerance issues
and future choices in careers. If parents believe sexual orientation
is influenced by environment (like smoking, liberalism or
conservatism), then parents have a duty to keep their children away
from homosexual adult teachers. Openly homosexual teachers who talk
about sexual orientation to their classes invariably will present
themselves as "normal," and some parents do not want their children
to emulate their teachers after such discussions. Perhaps an analogy
can be made to parents who object to hiring Jewish teachers in
Catholic schools, or hiring teachers who are avid gun collectors.
POSTED JUNE 30, 1998
A.W., Fremont, CA
FURTHER NOTICE 4:
Regarding Glenn P.'s response: Homosexuality is a sexual
orientation, but pedophilia is a psychosexual disorder. I am a recent
nurse graduate from a major university in California, where they
include homosexuality in the psychosexual disorders lecture. I spoke
up and refused to attend the class or participate in encouraging such
misinformation. Also, all studies on pedophilia and child-molesting
show that the men who do this are mostly straight.
POSTED AUG. 1, 1998
Robert, 28, gay
<wedbanquet@aol.com>,
Sacramento, CA
FURTHER NOTICE 5:
To A.W. in Fremont: As an out gay teacher, let me point
out that I had dozens of straight teachers I respected, and yet I
didn't turn out straight. I did, however, learn to respect straight
people and not judge their sexual orientation just because it was
different from mine. The agenda of many anti-gay-teacher people is
simply that they fear their kids will stop hating gay people. Yes,
many kids have re-thought their prejudices because they know and
respect a gay person. Good for them. And as for comparing gay
teachers to hiring a Jew at a Catholic school, public schools are not
heterosexual schools. Public means everybody, including gay
people.
POSTED AUG. 18, 1998
Terry M.
<qteacher@pacbell.net>,
Oakland, CA
FURTHER NOTICE 6:
To A.W.: Heterosexuals give way too much power to gays in
assuming that gays have some mysterious ability to hypnotically sway
young kids to gay sex. My brother (who's straight) had a couple of
gay flings when he was a teenager with another teenager, but married
twice and has a slew of kids. I was taught by heterosexual teachers,
and I'm still gay. By the way, I had a gay physics teacher, and none
of the straight kids in his class turned gay. You can't recruit. And
if you can remember when you were a kid, you already knew which
orientation you were and therefore couldn't be swayed
POSTED MARCH 15, 1999
R.A., gay, Los Angeles, CA
To respond
BACK TO TOP
THE QUESTION:
SO1: I have heard that lesbians and gays do not get along
other than at political rallies. Is this true?
POSTED JAN. 23, 1998
G. McManus, Jacksonville
ANSWER 1:
I've only been to a few political rallies, and I'd say your rumor has
a grain of truth to it. Sometimes lesbians and gay men don't get
along, for a lot of the same reasons men and women don't get along in
general. It's important to note that anyone - of any class, race or
background - can be gay or lesbian. So we enter into our minority
with only that one thing in common.
POSTED FEB. 26, 1998
April H., Orange County, N.Y.
FURTHER NOTICE:
I think generally there is some truth to that, but it's a factor of
what people have in common. It's not true for my partner and I. As a
lesbian couple we have two couples we socialize with most of the
time. One is a lesbian couple and one is a gay male couple.
POSTED FEB. 27, 1998
P.J.W, Jacksonville, FL
FURTHER NOTICE 2:
The answer is not true on the whole. On the small part, there are
some women who do not like men, and some men who don't like women,
and they are working more off of the fear base than themselves. Some
of the women who do not like men are lesbians, some are straight,
some of the men are gay, and some are straight.
Granted, there are lesbian bars and events, and gay bars and
events, as well as mixed bars and events to go to. The reason for
this: There are straight events and bars for women as well as
straight events and bars for men. Reason: Women need to get together
just like men do. It all depends on what you're looking for. Same in
the gay community. If you're a lesbian looking for a lesbian, you
would go to a lesbian bar probably before you would go to a mixed
bar, just as if you are a gay man looking for a man, you would go to
a gay bar probably before you would go to a mixed bar.
POSTED FEB. 27, 1998
Scott H., Jacksonville
FURTHER NOTICE 3:
Gay men and lesbians vary in their ability to get along with each
other. As a lesbian, I've found some gay men quite easy to get along
with, while others have stretched my patience beyond endurance. Much
of this, however, seems to stem from traditional differences in men's
vs. women's ways of doing things, particularly lesbian feminist use
of discussion and consensus decision-making vs. the top-down,
hiercharchial delegation of authority many men are conditioned to
use.
In addition to frequent economic disparities in affordability to
engage in certain activities such as travel, attitudes toward and
interest in certain activities may also vary along gender lines:
Monogamy, cruising, potlucks, sports, bars, music, parenting, etc.
These differences don't necessarily mean gay men and lesbians can't
get along, but that each is likely to spend more social time with
others of the same sex, then come together to work on issues of
mutual interest such as civil rights, politics, gay pride events,
etc.
POSTED MAY 21, 1998
DykeOnByke, lesbian feminist
<DykeOnByke@aol.com>,
Southfield, MI
FURTHER NOTICE 4:
Gay men and lesbians often have horrible trouble getting along at
rallies and other places. As a gay man, I find women to be
community-oriented and to view a "take charge" individual with
antipathy. Gay men, on the other hand, often go for something
aggressively and will dish out criticism more quickly than lesbians.
I don't think this is a conditioning thing; I think it's a
male-female thing. I have noticed that most (not all) large gay
organizations and companies are started by gay men and later run by
lesbians. There are exceptions, but I'm talking about the big picture
here.
POSTED JUNE 27, 1998
T. Cranston
<tcran@hotmail.com>, New
York, NY
To respond
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