Sexual
Orientation
Questions 131-140
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THE
QUESTION:
SO135: My wife and I made a surprise visit on my baby
daughter, who lives in New York. We noticed this woman there who
appears to be lesbian and also noticed things that suggested my
daughter and this woman might be sexual partners. How do I ask my
baby girl, Are you gay?
POSTED APRIL 21, 1999
W.J.F., male,
<williealice@yahoo.com>,
TX
ANSWER 1:
If you ask the question, you must be prepared for the
answer. So I ask you, does it really matter if she is a lesbian?
Assuming she is, she has had feelings for women for years. Would your
knowing change who she is or how you should treat her? Of course not,
she is the same person she was before your suspicions were aroused.
Should you ask her? My feelings are that she will tell you and your
wife when she is ready, but you could make that a lot easier by
showing tolerance toward diversity in all shapes and forms. When
talking to her, show opened-mindedness toward the differences shared
by people and tolerance of those whose beliefs you don't necessarily
share.
There are some great organizations available to you and your wife
to help you deal with the issues you may have as the parents of a gay
or lesbian child. Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays (PFLAG) is
a great organization that can provide group support and information
on resources available to help you understand those issues. Above
all, she is your daughter and you obviously love her, so tell her
that no matter what, you will always love her and respect who she
is.
POSTED APRIL 22, 1999
Racerrat, 36, gay white male
<ransom4u@iadfw.net>,
Dallas , TX
FURTHER NOTICE:
I have compassion for your situation. Still, even though
your daughter is your "baby girl," it appears she is a grown woman
who has made many choices for herself. It may make it easier for you
and for her, whatever her preferences are (sexual or otherwise), if
you would admit to yourself, and to the world, that she is no longer
a "baby" and someone who needs the paternalistic parenting she did
when she was 12. She needs your love, she needs your support and she
needs your respect.
POSTED APRIL 22, 1999
Jean, mother of a 20-year-old
<jeenerwaid@AOL.com>,
Milwaukee , WI
FURTHER NOTICE 2:
First, should it matter? Second, how old is your daughter?
Isn't she an adult if she's living by herself in New York? New York
is a crowded, expensive place to live. It is also a very diverse
city. I would not jump to the conclusion that your daughter is gay
because she has gay friends. And if she is gay, she may still be in
the process of accepting it for herself. She may be dropping hints
but not ready to come out to you. Give her time, let her be herself
and love her for who she is, straight or gay.
POSTED APRIL 22, 1999
Human
<OneWanda@hotmail.com>
New York, NY
FURTHER NOTICE 3:
Before you ask her anything, you need to ask yourself what
you think/feel about any answer you may receive. From there, how will
you treat her from that moment on? If you're clear and honest with
yourself, you will be able to be the same with her. I'm a "Daddy's
girl" from Alabama, so I know the bond you feel. The fear of losing
that is overwhelming if you've ever been cherished that deeply. She
may be facing that fear right now. Don't let her answer fray that
bond if she is lesbian and you need time to understand. Maybe she
just never knew how to bring it up. Give her the opening and don't
slam any doors you can't open again. How to ask: "I (we) love you..."
Then you say, "Baby (or whatever pet name you use for her), is there
something you want to tell me (us)?" I hope this helps. I have
children of my own and may have one of these conversations ahead of
me. When in doubt, just love them.
POSTED APRIL 22, 1999
Vanessa, 37, white female, mom, FL
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THE QUESTION:
SO134: Why does it seem that most male hairdressers, florists,
entertainers, interior decorators and clothing designers are gay?
Also, why do so many gay men seem to be into showtunes? Of course
there are exceptions, but there really does seem to be some truth to
those stereotypes.
POSTED APRIL 21, 1999
K., 20, straight white female
<gazelle_sunday@unforgettable.com>,
Potsdam, NY
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respond
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THE QUESTION:
SO133: To gay producers and writers: When are you going to
stand up for yourselves and illuminate society to the fact that gays
are often misrepresented? When will you present a clearer view?
POSTED APRIL 8, 1999
Waiting for liberation, 18, gay female
<ds799@webtv.net>,
Jacksonville, FL
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respond
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THE QUESTION:
SO132: To straight high school age or younger readers only:
What have been the primary influences regarding your understanding,
beliefs and comprehension of sexual orientation? Parents? Peers?
Religious teachings? School? TV? Reading? Internet? What are those
beliefs, and how have they changed (if any) since your earliest
awareness that not everyone is heterosexual? Has first-hand exposure
to gay friends or family members influenced your beliefs?
POSTED APRIL 5, 1999
DykeOnByke, 48, soon-to-be lesbian grandmother
<DykeOnByke@aol.com>,
Southfield, MI
ANSWER 1:
Most of the understanding I have gained about
homosexuality has come from knowing and interacting with homosexuals.
Now that there is a growing population of teenagers who feel
comfortable expressing their sexuality, I interact and communicate
with teen homosexuals on a daily basis. Though I've been brought up
in a Christian community that in general is "against" homosexuality,
I have learned that a human is a human, and sexual preference, just
like physical appearance, disabilities, age, race, or any other
discriminating factor, has nothing to do with the goodness of a
person's heart.
POSTED APRIL 7, 1999
K. Baker, Raleigh NC
FURTHER NOTICE:
My primary influence has been my parents. They are really
such open-minded, loving people. It's funny though, because I don't
remember ever giving a thought to sexual orientation when I was
younger. However, as I grew up, and society taught me there was a
"difference" between people, my parents' teachings have led me to as
follows: Free love! Love is so precious and rare that if you are
lucky enough to find it, hold fast and cherish it. Whether it is with
men, women, kids, cats, dogs, the important thing is being happy. To
most of my peers, being gay wasn't "cool" and so the boys tormented a
guy friend of mine. He and two relatives are the only homosexual
people I know personally, but that hasn't really affected me; I would
feel the same way had I not known them. And congrats on becoming a
grandma!
POSTED APRIL 7, 1999
Jennifer, straight, black, 17, senior, Brooklyn , NY
FURTHER NOTICE 2:
As a high school student who has not yet made up his mind
as to whether he is straight, bisexual or gay, I have to say peer
presure has been the most influential thing. I go to one of the top
50 high schools in the country (as rated by Money magazine),
and from my friends, I am given the distinct impression that
homosexuality is an "OK for them but not for us" thing. My parents
have been very supportive, saying numerous times, both during and not
during sex chats, that whatever I choose is OK with them. However,
since I am the only male youth of my family name, my grandfather
(father's side) is putting a lot of pressure on me to get married and
have children at some point. I am Jewish and conservative, so the
official religious viewpoint is "Homosexuality is a sin, but the
least important one in the Bible" (I realize this may not be the
official Jewish viewpoint, but it is what my Hebrew school teachers
believe). I am still a virgin, so I have nothing physical to compare
it with. Maybe I am straight, maybe I am gay, maybe I am bi. I do not
know, and in the end, whatever G-d has blessed me to be, I will
be.
POSTED APRIL 7, 1999
High School Sophmore
<the_prophet@bolt.com>
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respond
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THE QUESTION:
SO131: How can some homosexuals call themselves Christians
when what they are doing is specifically mentioned in the Bible as an
abomination to God?
POSTED MARCH 30, 1999
Robert R., 22, white male, Christian , St. Joseph , MO
ANSWER 1:
One answer would be that they are "Christians" by being
followers of Christ's teachings and not "Paulists" by being followers
of Paul. Christ never spoke of homosexuality (not once). The supposed
references in Corinthians were written by Paul, not Jesus, and
reflect Paul's views and prejudices. Many people (including those who
hold the opinion you do) interpret the Bible for their own ends -
some to exalt themselves at the expense of others. Jesus, I believe,
would be appalled at the alarming intolerance displayed by many of
his so-called followers today.
POSTED MARCH 31, 1999
Michael, 37, gay white male, relaxed Methodist
<txmichael@worldnet.att.net>,
Houston , TX
FURTHER NOTICE:
Homosexuality is mentioned as an abomination to God in the
pre-Christian Old Testament. Paul in the New Testament discusses it
more as a punishment than a crime. Christ himself never mentioned
homosexuality. Therefore, a homosexual has good grounds to argue that
he or she is justified in calling him or herself a Christian. And if
you want to get technical, only one act is mentioned as an
abomination; there are homosexuals who may not perform this act. As a
Christian, you should at least become aware of these things.
POSTED MARCH 31, 1999
Ben S., 30 queer Caucasian male
<bscaro@hotmail.com>,
Hobart, Tasmania, Australia
FURTHER NOTICE 2:
The Bible is mistranslated in a hundred different ways,
and this is one of them. The Bible is talking about pedophilia, plain
and simple. The Romans, at that time, had made it a fashion to take a
young teen boy as a lover. This is what Paul was talking about. Read
the passages a little more carefully. I had this conversation many
times at the Christian college I attended to study for the ministry.
The biggest problem I saw is that people would not discuss it with a
clear head. They hated gays, and their minds were made up. Try not to
let this cloud your judgment. A monogomous homosexual is not a
sinner.
POSTED MARCH 31, 1999
Jason B., white, straight, 26
<slingblade@qconline.com>,
Quad Cities , IL
FURTHER NOTICE 3:
There is a chapter-long discussion of this in The Good
Book by Peter Gomes, a minister connected with Harvard
University. That book should be available in many libraries and
bookstores. Also note that in Leviticus it is an abomination to eat
shellfish.
POSTED MARCH 31, 1999
B. Hale
<halehart@aol.com>,
Hartford , CT
FURTHER NOTICE 4:
There are 10 commandments, you know, and I don't recall
them being listed in any particular order of severity. Are liars also
"abominations"? What about those who don't respect their parents or
covet their neighbor's RV? (And how are gays included here, anyway? I
suppose they come under the "adultery" clause.) I was taught that
when Christ came he wiped out the old laws (from the Old Testament)
and brought a new one: Love thy neighbor as thyself and he that
believeth and is baptized will be saved. There doesn't seem to be any
mention of gays here, or any room for all this human judgment.
POSTED MARCH 31, 1999
A loving woman, St. Paul , MN
FURTHER NOTICE 5:
Amen to all the postings so far. It is also interesting to
note that when Jesus speaks about the sins of Sodom (a fundamentalist
favorite), he is talking about inhospitality to strangers. Isn't that
ironic!
POSTED APRIL 1, 1999
C. Brown, 37, white gay male, Christian
<cjbmli@ix.netcom.com>,
Boston , MA
FURTHER NOTICE 6:
Those who know the basics of the Bible know that man was
created first, then woman. Any sexual relations, especially through
intercourse, are for the union of man and woman, not man and man, or
for that matter woman and woman. There are reasons for the gender
differences, procreation being primary. Whether Paul wrote the
reference, or Jesus specifically said it, it all comes from God. Many
people tend to look for any means of justification to make sinful
acts in the eyes of God acceptable. I believe you can not practice
homosexual acts and still be considered a Christian, living by the
teaching laws and commandments of God. Homosexuality has been around
for centuries, but that does not make it acceptable. I can love and
accept you as a person, but I do not condone the act.
POSTED APRIL 1, 1999
Caddy, 40, Protestant, Lexington , KY
FURTHER NOTICE 7:
The only passage in the Bible that is a direct quote of
God is the Ten Commandants; none of which has "unless you're gay"
attached to them. Has anyone considered that the reason there is
anti-gay, anti-black and anti-female scripture in the Bible is to
give us an example of how not to act?
POSTED APRIL 1, 1999
Alma, white Methodist lesbian
<pridewks@seacove.net>,
Kempner, TX
FURTHER NOTICE 8:
Like most other sacred texts, the Bible provides us with a
social and moral framework within which to conduct our lives.
However, much of the Bible is also couched in folklore, superstition,
fear and a lack of scientific understanding. I doubt the apostle Paul
had any understanding of the concept of sexual orientation; his
invective against homosexual acts was directed at the degenerate,
pagan cultures of ancient Rome and had nothing to do with loving,
nurturing relationships. Similarly, the various codes of diet,
personal hygiene and social conduct listed in Leviticus may have
contributed to cultural cohesion in tribal Israel, but they have
little meaning in today's modern world. The practice of tattooing is
forbidden in Leviticus; yet how many Christians do you know who have
tattoos?
POSTED APRIL 1, 1999
Chuck A., 39, gay, Catholic male
<PolishBear@aol.com>,
Spring Hill , WV
FURTHER NOTICE 9:
As I recall, the context of the original language in the
Old Testament placed as much emphasis on homosexuality as eating
non-kosher food. The words used to describe the behavior were exactly
the same. However, the translation from the original language into
Greek, Latin, English, etc. resulted in a differentiation between
acts of similar distaste. So unless you are willing to begin
demonizing people who eat pork, you might want to reconsider your
justification for your prejudice.
POSTED APRIL 1, 1999
John K., 25
<the-macs@geocities.com>,
Cranford , NJ
FURTHER NOTICE 10:
So many folks read the Bible with a pre-existing notion of
what they will find there. Some folks erroneously call gay people
"Sodomites." In the books of Deuteronomy, Isaiah, Jeremiah,
Lamentations, Ezekiel, Amos, Zephania, Luke, and 2nd Peter, The Sin
Of Sodom is listed as Idolatry, Murder, Greed, Theft, Rebellion,
Coveness, Mistreating the poor, Oppressing the poor, Arrogance,
Adultery, Pride, Cruelty and failure to care for the young and poor.
The two times when Jesus mentioned Sodom, it was in reference to the
sin of inhospitality to strangers. The Bible contains six
admonishments to homosexuals and 362 admonishments to heterosexuals.
That doesn't mean God doesn't love heterosexuals. It's just that they
need more supervision.
POSTED APRIL 1, 1999
Pastor Jim, 45, white heterosexual guy
<pastorbilbrey@angelfire.com>,
Columbus, IN
FURTHER NOTICE 11:
The Bible contains many verses that no one even tries to
follow, but many people latch onto the verses that seem to condemn
gays. After all, why not condemn something that they aren't? It makes
them feel better to say, "Look at those evil people over there. I'm
not one of them." Actually, we can find many verses that condemn
everyone else. But Jesus is about love, not condemnation or laws. I
deal with these issues in great detail in my Reactions To
Homophobia essay, taking on the specific verses used against
gays, as well as ones that can be used against everyone else. For
further information, access
http://members.tripod.com/~DuaneSimolke/react.html
POSTED APRIL 1, 1999
Duane Simolke, Ph.D., 33, mixed race (mostly white), male, author,
The Acorn Stories,
<dsphd@hotmail.com>,
Lubbock , TX
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