Best of the Week
of June 7, 1998
Here are the most intriguing cross-cultural exchanges either begun or
advanced during the week of June 7, 1998, as selected by Y?
These postings, as well as "Best of the Week" entries from previous
weeks, also can be found in their respective
archives, which we invite you to browse.
There, you will find questions that have received answers, as well as
questions still awaiting responses. We encourage you to answer any
questions relevant to your demographic background, as well as to ask
any provocative question you desire. Answers posted are not
necessarily meant to represent the views of an entire demographic
group, but can provide a window into the insights of an individual
from that group.
First-time users should first make a quick stop at our
guidelines pages for asking and
answering questions.
THE QUESTION:
D6: I am curious about what
people who have been blind from birth "see" in their dreams. Could a
respondent with a blind family member or friend ask them about this
for me? Thanks.
POSTED APRIL 9, 1998
David L., 13, Portland, OR
ANSWER 1:
I found the answer to this
question when I taught at a state school for the blind. People who
have never had sight dream in the context of the senses they do have.
They remember, think about and dream based on sound, feel, smell and
taste. Their perception of their experiences is non-visual, so their
thoughts and dreams are also non-visual.
POSTED JUNE 13, 1998
Lisa S., schmitz@prismnet.com, Austin, TX
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THE QUESTION:
O9: Why do managers often think
that union people are basically lazy and need constant
supervision?
POSTED JUNE 11, 1998
Knight, 40, Riverside, CA
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answer
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THE QUESTION:
A3: I work in a place that is
host for a lot of seniors. A lot of them have many struggles in
getting around. Most have poor vision and hearing. I am in my early
twenties and am instructed to help them as much as possible. My
question: Why do these same people, who need and ask for so much
help, are getting behind the wheel of a car each day. Why won't they
ask for help with this?
POSTED MARCH 19, 1998
Mark, Detroit, MI
ANSWER 1:
Given an alternative, most
seniors with impairments I've encountered prefer not to
drive. Unfortunately, public transportation is often poor or
non-existent. Additionally, families of these seniors frequently live
out of the area, are working or don't care. Most people like to be
independent - regardless of age or physical limitation. Offering to
drive them makes it easier on them than their having to ask or beg.
If they're driving, there's usually a reason other than "wanting
to."
POSTED MARCH 31, 1998
H.J., FL
FURTHER NOTICE:
I believe older people don't
want to face the fact that they have to be helped so much.To them, it
must seem like yesterday that they ran around the yard with their
kids and drove them to school and tied their shoes, and I'm sure it
must be a little humiliating to have to be driven around and have
somebody help you all the time. It's like giving all of your freedom
up.
POSTED JUNE 11, 1998
L.C., 15, white male, lord_chaos_1@hotmail.com, VT
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THE QUESTION:
R321: Why is it that some white
people feel it necessary to tell black people from time to time that
they have a black friend?
POSTED JUNE 11, 1998
M. Grant, 25, black, Charleston, S.C.
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THE QUESTION:
R309: Many Mexican males I see
over the age of 13 wear mustaches. Is there some significance to
this?
POSTED JUNE 7, 1998
Tony H., thamm@computoredge.com, Chgula Vista, CA
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THE QUESTION:
SO37: How do homosexuals meet,
other than in "gay" bars? Is there a certain look or something? Or do
they just go up to a person and flirt?
POSTED MAY 26, 1998
C.B., 22, heterosexual female, Memphis, TN
ANSWER 1:
Flirting with strangers is a
risky venture - one is apt to get hurt. But flirting with strangers
in a gay bar will improve the odds that one's advances will be
appreciated, though there's no guarantee. However, gay people do more
than just party at bars. We meet at pride events, volunteer and
service organizations, professional associations and hobby clubs,
through friends and acquaintances, at work and school, even at the
grocery and hardware stores. Sometimes it is obvious when one is in
the company of other gay people, but more often the encounters are
more subtle. Just like heterosexuals, not everybody you meet is a
potential partner. But when two people possess a mutual interest in
one another, they will find a way to express it. Body language, the
things that are said, the plans that are made, a special sacrifice, a
response in kind: All of these can communicate the message. Having
the shared experience of being gay makes it easier to interpret the
signals.
POSTED MAY 27, 1998
Rex T., 34, gay white male <rex_tremende@hotmail.com>, Cincinnati, OH
FURTHER NOTICE:
In the simplest terms,
homosexuals meet other homosexuals in the same social environments as
most heterosexuals do: Bars, parties, work, school, gyms, church,
restaurants, discos, etc. However, where possible, gays and lesbians
may choose to gather in venues that cater to them. In many cities and
towns, there are places described above that cater exclusively to
gays and lesbians, allowing them to meet in a more comfortable
atmosphere without fear of rejection, ridicule or harassment.
Unfortunately, in some locales where these venues do not exist and as
a result of societal repression, some homosexuals resort to less
desirable public venues to meet such as parks, restrooms, etc. This
is a minority of homosexuals. The most important concept for anyone
to grasp and understand is that homosexuals (like heterosexuals) are
not homogenous. They do not all look alike, behave alike, dress
alike, socialize together, remain single, have similar sexual
desires, work in similar professions, etc.
POSTED MAY 27, 1998
Robbie, 30, gay male, Miami Beach, FL
FURTHER NOTICE 2:
There are several way
homosexuals meet, the most common is by introduction of other
homosexual friends. In addition there are numerous chat rooms, on
line services, phone services and classifieds, on line, traditional
newspapers, and gay papers.
POSTED MAY 29, 1998
Tim, florida99@hotmail.com, FL
FURTHER NOTICE 3:
I think a homosexual person
flirts in much the same way a heterosexual person flirts. If I find
someone attractive, I may strike up a conversation or pay more
attention than usual to that person in a "subtle" way - just like
someone who is straight. Maybe they will turn out to be gay and maybe
not (I certainly don't "jump on them" to find out). Incidentally,
just because you are straight and meet someone of the opposite sex
somewhere other than in a gay bar doesn't mean you can assume
anything, either.
POSTED JUNE 3, 1998
D.M., 35, lesbian, Tallahassee, FL
FURTHER NOTICE 4:
Going up to someone and just
flirting is something usually associated with flamboyant people. But
that also depends on the person, or where you are. I met my partner
at his house through mutual friends. There was no flirting involved.
There were no strange looks or unusual glares. We became the best of
friends over a long period of time. Most homosexuals have what most
people call "gaydar," which is the ability to recognize another of
the same preference. But sometimes you can't always tell by just a
look. It may be through conversation or social events that something
may be said or done to imply certain preferences. My partner had no
idea if I was gay or straight until we were introduced to each other
as being gay. I don't think we would have met in a bar, but I am
thankful we met the way we did. We have been happy together for eight
years.
POSTED JUNE 3, 1998
C. Campbell; 28, black, Blaster7@hotmail.com, Dallas, TX
FURTHER NOTICE 5:
I am a 20-year-old lesbian,
and I met my girlfriend through a friend. We meet people the same way
heterosexuals do. If a homosexual is open and honest with themselves,
they will encounter other gay people and become friends. As a result,
they will meet people at parties, at work, at school and at clubs and
bars. It is just as easy to find a gay lover as it is to find a
heterosexual lover.
POSTED JUNE 5, 1998
Marci, 20, Wichita, KS
FURTHER NOTICE 6:
It might sound silly, but we
have something we call "gaydar." It's probably unconscious, but gay
people have a way of letting others know they are gay. Straight
people who hang around gay people for a very long time pick up on it,
too. I was in a rock band with all straight guys who, after we'd
known each other for a while, could "pick 'em" out faster than I
could. So, you don't have to be gay to have gaydar, you just have to
be aware and cool.
POSTED JUNE 8, 1998
Steve S., 44, gay, steve@bonusround.com, Los Angeles, CA
FURTHER NOTICE 7:
Part of my decision to accept
a job offer in the Detroit area was knowing it has a large, organized
gay-lesbian-bi-transgender community. I had no intention of living
anywhere I would need to be closeted. In the Detroit area, there is a
gay-lesbian-bi-transgender community center, lesbian and gay
bookstores, monthly Detroit Women's Coffeehouse, monthly Women
Together potlucks, lesbian softball teams and golf league,
gay-lesbian-bi-transgender bowling leagues, swim teams, bike riding,
runners, lesbian dances, gay and lesbian employee groups, homeowner
associations, film festivals, yearly PrideFest, etc. And of course,
proximity to the Michigan Women's Music Festival, the largest yearly
lesbian festival in the world, as well as lesbian campgrounds, the
yearly Lansing Pride March, etc.
POSTED JUNE 8, 1998
DykeOnByke, single lesbian, DykeOnByke@aol.com, Southfield, MI
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respond
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THE QUESTION:
GD14: Why is it that many people
with children seem oblivious to the rights of the rest of us - from
not quieting their kids on planes and in movie theaters to demanding
censorship in the media?
POSTED JUNE 8, 1998
Emma, Los Angeles, CA
ANSWER 1:
As a parent who avidly
opposes ratings and doesn't take her children to movie theaters, I'm
probably not in your category. However, I'll take my kids on a plane,
and while I actively try to keep them occupied and "pleasant," I
expect them to be, well, children. I expect babies to cry and
kindergarteners to be loud. Why don't people, in general, respect
children as if they were real people?
POSTED JUNE 9, 1998
Donna, Austin, TX
FURTHER NOTICE:
The inability to keep
children quiet in certain places, in my experience, stems from either
insanity or incompetence. Insanity, in that I erred in bringing kids
to a place where their short attention spans would result in social
disaster, or incompetence, in that in some situations I simply wasn't
able to provide what they needed. I can't speak for parents who
demand censorship; I'm not one of those. I guess I'm not sure there's
a "right"' to quiet plane flights or a "right" to a noisy-child-free
environment, but to the extent that you desire one, I'd encourage you
to speak - with as much understanding of the situation as possible -
to the parent of the kids bothering you. Sometimes, parents can use
the desires of others to regain control of a situation. I guess I'd
also encourage people to think of children less as nuisances and more
as fellow human beings, who are smarter and more perceptive than you
might think.
POSTED JUNE 9, 1998
Andrew S., 34, parent of two kids, ages 3 and 1 <ziptron@hotmail.com>, Huntington, NY
FURTHER NOTICE 2:
It wasn't until I had kids
that I really noticed how insensitive our society is to the whole
idea of common courtesy. My wife and I try to raise our kids to be
respectful and polite, and by all accounts, we do a pretty good job.
We don't take our kids where they don't belong because it's a
tremendous stress on them, and we expect that in certain places, kids
will be exposed to things we don't want them to be exposed to yet.
You haven't lived until you sit down in a family restaurant only to
hear some jerk three tables over loudly describe last night's sexual
conquest in terms that would make a longshoreman blush, or suddenly
hear a rap song on the P.A. that's so blue you want to crawl under
the table. And to top it off, it seems it's everybody's "right" to be
offensive. Everyone also seems to believe that kids are little robots
with switches to turn off bad behavior. My kids, as wonderful as they
are, have their moments. And no matter how hard we try, they just
can't help but create a mess. Sorry. Everyone claims they want our
future generations to grow up healthy and well-adjusted, but society
makes it very difficult to do. Sorry your rights are violated, but
we're doing the best we can.
POSTED JUNE 10, 1998
Peter P., two kids, 3 and 8 <PPROUT20@aol.com>, Redford, MI
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respond
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THE QUESTION:
R291: Why does it seem that many
younger blacks have little respect for whites, when older blacks, who
lived through segregation, are completely different in this
regard?
POSTED MAY 26, 1998
Herb C., 69, Lehigh Acres, FL
ANSWER 1:
Younger blacks have no memory
of legislated oppression. Logically speaking, they have no reason to
fear or admire whites, so therefore, no cause to pay any respect.
POSTED JUNE 10, 1998
Elliott, 44, black, franrod@wavenet.com, Los Angeles, CA
FURTHER NOTICE:
I think it's safe to say that
some younger blacks, just as younger people of almost any ethnic
group, tend to have little respect for anyone, including themselves.
Just look at their videos or listen to their music. They are who and
what we adults have created.
POSTED JUNE 10, 1998
V.B., 41, black female, Miami, FL
FURTHER NOTICE 2:
Older black people have lived
throught segregation and racism, younger black people are just
getting a taste of it and don't like it, but who does? They have the
right to be angry with white people, but by being angry with all
white people, they are no better than the people who picked on them
because of their race.
POSTED JUNE 11, 1998
L.C., 15, white male, lord_chaos_1@hotmail.com, VT
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THE QUESTION:
D9: My mother is
para/quadriplegic, and recently we have been trying to plan a trip to
New York. Isn't it discrimination that it will cost her more to take
a tour than someone who can walk?
POSTED MAY 11, 1998
Kara, Japan
ANSWER 1:
Is it discrimination that my
wheelchair cost nearly 100 times what someone's shoes might cost? You
have to understand that the other tour-takers would have to make up
the difference for bus lifts or special assistance for the occasional
disabled user. Is that fair? The Americans With Disabilities Act
speaks of modification "within reason," and the best way to lose a
right is to assume right over reason.
POSTED MAY 26, 1998
JerryEl <jerry@lords.com>, Chipley, FL
FURTHER NOTICE:
As a disability rights
advocate, I would suggest questioning the tour company to determine
exactly why your mother's tour would cost more. While their reason
may be legitimate, there may, indeed, be reason to suspect
discrimination. If she is being charged a small amount more, I would
wonder what difference that amount would make. If she is being
charged appreciably more, is she being expected to cover the full
charge for some equipment or service that, under terms of the
"reasonable accommodation" clause of the Americans With Disabilities
Act, should be provided by the tour company? Either of these
situations might be termed discriminatory. Often, there are
legitimate extra expenses associated with having a disability, and I
always advise people to research their concerns and use common sense
in dealing with disability rights issues. Check the Internet for tour
companies in the United States that cater specifically to people with
disabilities.
POSTED JUNE 8, 1998
J. Friedman, 49, jwfriedman@aol.com, Charleston, SC
FURTHER NOTICE 2:
If you don't like that the
travel agency is not charging the same for both people, search until
you find one that does. That is what free enterprise is all about. If
they wanted to charge me $50,000 to go because I have brown hair, and
charge my friend $1,000 because he has black hair, I would simply
look around until I found one that I wanted to do business with.
POSTED JUNE 10, 1998
Mike H., mhannigan@earthlink.net, Virginia Beach, VA
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THE QUESTION:
R201: Growing up in Queens, N.Y.,
it was a "requirement" that you knew how to play chess. I wonder : Do
white people believe blacks don't play chess, since the media only
shows blacks in physical activities?
POSTED APRIL 21, 1998
Jas, black <themoas@aol.com>
Pensacola, FL
ANSWER 1:
I would have to say I'd never
thought about it. In fact, I never really think about chess at all -
but if someone had asked me to close my eyes and picture a chess
player, my automatic mental image probably wouldn't have been a
black. Thanks for raising my consciousness a little.
POSTED MAY 2, 1998
A. Morgan, 33, white, Houston
FURTHER NOTICE:
When I walk by the park,
almost all the people playing chess are black. So I have not held the
notion that all chess players are from the former Soviet Union for a
long time. By the way, the chess board is a great metaphor: Black and
white facing off against each other. But without the differences in
color and pieces, there would be no game.
POSTED JUNE 8, 1998
thsmith, 28, white, Los Angeles, CA
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THE QUESTION:
GE28: How do women feel about uncircumcised men? I know performance
is not affected either way but would like to know if women view it as
a turn-on or turn-off, or whether it makes no difference.
POSTED MAY 14, 1998
Stuart, Australia
ANSWER 1:
I don't how I'd feel if I
were going to have sex with a man and he told me he was
uncircumcised. I'd be wary because I've heard that bacteria that
builds up under the foreskin causes cervical cancer.
POSTED MAY 21, 1998
Melissa, female, MI
FURTHER NOTICE:
Until my current boyfriend,
I'd never seen an uncircumcised man. It's true they can have more
bacteria build-up, but if they bathe regularly, it shouldn't be a
problem. All things considered, it's a turn-on for me: More stuff to
do things to, you know.
POSTED MAY 27, 1998
L.M., white female, Clearwater, FL
FURTHER NOTICE 2:
I have been with both types
of men. Both kept their genitalia very clean, and I was not turned
off in the least. When they are aroused, there is absolutely no
difference in the overall look. I have also heard that these types of
men have more feeling in their penis. So, my response is no, we are
not turned off. It is a little different at first, but once you get
to know it, you will love it.
POSTED JUNE 8, 1998
Dionna F., 27, Kansas City, MO
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THE QUESTION:
RE59: I'm an atheist and very
much in love with a Muslim girl. She doesn't think we should be
together because of our different cultural (she's from Morocco) and
religious backgrounds. Her father does not approve of our
relationship. I know there would be difficulties if we were to stay
together, but I hope we would succeed. Should I persist, or do people
think it wouldn't work, anyway? Does anyone have experience with
this?
POSTED JUNE 8, 1998
Thijs, 19, t.j.vinken@kub.nl, Tilburg, The Netherlands
ANSWER 1:
I believe if you plan to
marry and have children, both people should be of the same religious
beliefs. This does not mean two people from different religions
should not marry. It means that one of you should convert, in my
opinion. My understanding of religion is that it is a manifest of how
one interacts with life. The problem I see is that you're both
entering into a relationship with radically different values for
which there is no compromise. How can you compromise on religious
faith?
POSTED JUNE 10, 1998
D. Nichols, 34, agnostic, Seattle, WA
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