Best of the Week
of Dec. 3, 2000
Best of Week
Archives
Here are the most intriguing cross-cultural exchanges
either begun or advanced during the week of Dec. 3, 2000, as selected
by Y? These postings, as well as "Best of the Week"
entries from previous weeks, also can be found by accessing Y?'s new
database using the search form, or, in the
case of answers posted before April 24, 1999, in the
Original Archives (all questions
from the Original Archives have been entered into the new database as
well). In the Original Archives and the new database, you will find
questions that have received answers, as well as questions still
awaiting responses. You are encouraged to answer any questions
relevant to your demographic background, as well as to ask any
provocative question you desire. Answers posted are not necessarily
meant to represent the views of an entire demographic group, but can
provide a window into the insights of an individual from that
group.
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Question:
What does a woman in a female prison have to do to earn the L O
V E letters on her fingers?
POSTED 12/7/2000
R. Morris, Lake View, AL, United States, 42, Male, Baptist,
White/Caucasian, Straight, service technician, 2 Years of College ,
Lower middle class
Mesg ID 127200052223
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Question:
Do blind people dream? If so, do they dream sounds, or does
their mind make up figures according to touch?
POSTED 12/4/2000
Adrianne, Huntsville, AL, United States, 26, Female,
Black/African American, Straight, disc jockey, 2 Years of College ,
Lower middle class
Mesg ID 1232000122323
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Question:
Why is it that when black people are on welfare, they are
claimed to be milking the system, but when white people are on
welfare, they just need some 'assistance'?
POSTED 12/7/2000
Netta F., Jacksonville, FL, United States, 24, Female,
Black/African American, Straight, cosmetologist, Over 4 Years of
College
Mesg ID 1240061129
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Question:
I consider myself pretty intelligent, but the first time I saw
a bidet was in a hotel room, and like Croccodile Dundee, I hadn't the
faintest idea of what they're for. The dictionary says they're 'used
for washing one's genitals and posterior parts.' For whom? Women
only? I can't imagine a guy using one - or do they, and when? Someone
please explain.
POSTED 12/7/2000
Pete, Portland, ME, United States, 50, Male, Humanist,
White/Caucasian, Heteroflexible, Writer, 4 Years of College
Mesg ID 1262000115116
Responses:
The first time I saw a bidet was when my ex-husband and I were
stationed with the Air Force in Italy. We were told the same thing
you were told. Although I never used one, I can see how it could be
useful. What I couldn't understand was why it was needed when a
bathtub was available. I suppose, though, for example, if a woman had
an accident during her monthly cycle, she could effectively clean
herself up without having to take a full bath. However, I can see a
man using it as well. It's designed for a person to sit on and
straddle while facing the faucets.
POSTED 12/7/2000
Redeemed One, Newport News, VA, United States, 52, Female,
Black/African American, 4 Years of College , Middle class
Mesg ID 127200031228
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Question:
To women: Have we really come a long way, baby? Are we making
the right choices for ourselves and our children in our
relationships? Or are we just whining our lives away? I am not a
feminist; I just think women have wimped out and can't make a
decision for themselves. We don't believe our intuition and feel
someone else has to validate us. Ladies, it's time to get out of the
bathtub, blow out the aromatherapy candles, put down the journals and
get out the flippin' door!
POSTED 11/28/00
Linda S., Kelowna, British Columbia, NA, Canada, 49, Female,
Entrepreneur, Lower class
Mesg ID 11270055352
Responses:
I think women have come a long way. The point of feminism is for
women to have choices in their lives and be able to decide where and
what they want to be. For the most part, we have achieved this. Of
course, there are women who aren't making the best choices for their
lives and then whining about the results, but there are a lot of men
out there doing the same thing. Women don't have a monopoly on
whining. I think more people in general need to take charge of the
direction their lives are taking. Too many people - women and men -
let life just sort of wash over them.
POSTED 11/29/2000
Lucy, San Jose, CA, United States, 26, Female, Hispanic/Latino,
Engineer, 4 Years of College , Middle class
Mesg ID 1129200013028
On the contrary, women have come a long way in being independent,
demanding respect and equality and being successful business people
in the United States. The only down side to it is that our children
and attention to family may suffer as a result of being that
successful business person; if more attention is being paid to one
aspect of your life than the other, the latter will surely suffer. As
the divorce rate increases, it is becoming more necessary for women
of single-parent households to support and provide a good home for
themselves and their children. What is a girl to do? Women are having
to make all of the decisions inside and outside the household. Don't
throw away those aromatherapy candles yet; if no one else will pamper
us, we might as well pamper ourselves!
POSTED 12/7/2000
Jr. Super Woman, Houston, TX, United States,
<kpa75@aol.com>, 25, Female, Black/African American, Systems
Analyst, 4 Years of College , Middle class
Mesg ID 1130200011625
I read your statements about women and how they should make
desions for themselves and stop 'wimping out.' You also said that you
are not a feminist, but really that's the whole motive behind
feminism. Feminism seems to have been given this stigmatism of being
a negative. I am a feminist. I don't hate men and want to do away
with them, I don't blame men for all the world's problems and I'm not
a lesbian. Equality and the freedom to dictate one's own life is what
feminism is about. It's OK to say you're a feminist; if someone looks
down on that, it's their own ignorance for not knowing what it truly
is.
POSTED 12/7/2000
Paula, Louisville, KY, United States, 18, Female, Catholic,
White/Caucasian, Straight, Paralyzed, student, High School Diploma
Mesg ID 1130200034425
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Question:
Is it right for children under the age of 18 to be sexually
active?
POSTED 12/7/2000
Tara, Melbourne, NA, Australia, <tara198@hotmail.com>,
27, Female, Christian, White/Caucasian, Straight, corparate lawyer,
Over 4 Years of College , Upper class
Mesg ID 127200025218
Responses:
I don't think the question should be whether it's right for people
to be sexually active at a certain age. The better question is,
Should we be doing a better job teaching people to recognize when
they are or are not ready to be sexually active? I was ready at 16 -
I had all the facts, was emotionally mature enough, had money in the
bank in case of emergency, had contraceptives. However, I know many
people who are far older than 18 who are still not ready. We can't
just say, "Oh, you're allowed to vote now, I guess you're ready to
have sex."
POSTED 12/7/2000
Ariann, Cleveland, OH, United States, 20, Female
Mesg ID 127200030517
According to the Bible, it's a sin for any unmarried person to be
sexually active, regardless of their age. God designed sexual
intercourse for a man and wife to procreate, and it is intended to be
pleasurable. If it weren't, there wouldn't be any families. Whenever
we step outside of God's will, we get into trouble: unwanted
pregnancies, out-of-wedlock births, STDs, etc. Unmarried people under
18 should have other, more serious goals in mind. A person's first
sexual experience should be with his or her spouse on their wedding
night. It may sound 'old fashioned,' and a lot of people will
disagree and say things like, 'This is the year 2000' or 'This is a
new day,' but that doesn't make it right. God's Word never changes,
and it's meant for our good.
POSTED 12/7/2000
Redeemed One, Newport News, VA, United States, 52, Female,
Baptist, Black/African American, 4 Years of College , Middle class
Mesg ID 127200032936
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Question:
Last spring I met a cute guy at school, and we dated a few
times. Nothing sexual and nothing serious. At summer break, he said
he'd call me in the fall, then left the state for a summer job. While
he was gone (we both agreed to date others), I dated a guy in the
same dorm we all share. Guy #2 and I were very sexual all summer, but
he was not my type for a long-term relationship. We parted amicably.
Now Guy #1 is back, and we are a couple. He's terrific, and this
could get serious. The problem: I learned that Guy #1 knew Guy #2,
and they've become good friends and are fast becoming best friends.
My guy knows nothing about my fling, and my "fling" and I have agreed
not to say anything, but I'm getting nervous. Should I tell my guy
what happened and say it was 'nothing,' or keep my mouth shut and
hope he never finds out? Please help.
POSTED 11/28/00
Darby, St. Augustine, FL, United States, 23, Female,
White/Caucasian, Straight, Student, 2 Years of College , Upper middle
class,
Mesg ID 11270074523
Responses:
From a male standpoint, there's probably no right or wrong answer.
Most guys really do NOT want to know which other stallions have been
in the stall. However, I believe the context of a relationship is set
very early on. We are all different people to different people. How
people relate in the early days of dating sets the pattern for the
full life of the relationship, and it is difficult to change later
on. It is surprising how early this happens. If you do not reveal the
affair with the friend, this pattern of not discussing
'undiscussables' will set the 'rules' for how you relate on most
other things. If you do bring it up, a pattern of being honest will
be set at the start. However, honesty can be overrated at times,
especially in sexual history. If I were your new boyfriend, I would
want to know. Oh, and by the way, the old 'fling' WILL tell the
current 'fling' at some point, anyway. Count on it.
POSTED 11/29/2000
Steve, Houston, TX, United States, 44, Male, White/Caucasian,
Straight, Corporate Cubicle Neanderthal, Over 4 Years of College ,
Upper middle class
Mesg ID 112800115452
I had a similar situation - only my Guy #1 was the anonymous
summer fling and my Guy #2 was someone I wanted to date. Since Guy #1
and I agreed we'd never say anything about our summer tryst, I didn't
tell Guy #2. Turns out Guy #2 and Guy #1 were friends and Guy #1 told
Guy #2 all about me (in vivid detail) before I even met Guy #2. In
the end, Guy #2 was uncomfortable getting too serious with me because
1) I'd been his friend's plaything - and he knew more about it than a
woman would ever want someone else to know; and 2) I wasn't
forthcoming about it when it became clear the three of us were
connected. What did I learn from all this? First, my summer fling
with Guy #1 wasn't worth it. I lost out on an opportunity to date a
great guy for a meaningless sexual liaison with a blabbermouth. Next,
honesty really is the best policy - had I been more open, maybe Guy
#2 could have gotten over the mental picture he had of me coupled
with his friend.
POSTED 11/29/2000
Alicia, Seattle, WA, United States, 32, Female, Black/African
American, Attorney, Over 4 Years of College , Upper middle class
Mesg ID 1128200032030
Unless you are dead-sure this will never come out - and I wouldn't
be under the circumstances - you'd be best off telling your boyfriend
at an opportune time. It will be worst if he hears it from his buddy,
and pretty bad if he hears it from you at an intimate moment. The
longer you wait, the worse it will be.
POSTED 11/29/2000
Jerry S., New Britain, CT, United States, Male
Mesg ID 1128200034434
Get ready, baby. The walls are getting ready to crash down. You
reap what you sow.
POSTED 11/29/2000
Mark, Los Angeles, CA, United States, 25, Male, White/Caucasian,
Law Student, Over 4 Years of College
Mesg ID 1128200094603
Say nothing, and hope he doesn't find out. Chances are if he and
Guy #2 are becoming friends, then Guy #2 wouldn't want to hurt him
any more than you do. Besides, if originally it was 'nothing serious'
between you and #1, he couldn't expect you to remain exclusive (he
may have been seeing others as well). Let sleeping dogs lie.
POSTED 11/29/2000
S.B., New York, NY, United States, 28, Female, 4 Years of College
Mesg ID 11292000123327
Tell him. If he's a reasonable person, he'll probably be angry
with you initially, but he'll get over it and realize it really isn't
all that important. But if he finds out on his own, he will likely be
highly pissed off that a) you did it, and b) you tried to hide it.
But you don't need to give all the details when/if you tell him; to
say that during the summer you dated the other guy should suffice. If
he wants to know more, tell him it was nothing serious and that it
is, and has been, over.
POSTED 11/29/2000
Gregory H., New York, NY, United States, 22, Male, Christian,
Black/African American, Straight, law student, Over 4 Years of
College
Mesg ID 1129200015227
Do not say anything. Some things are better left unsaid. It is not
necessary to tell him because it will only hurt him. If he were
presently your man, then it would be wise to tell him. However, he is
not. Leave well enough alone. Plus, you may mess up their friendship.
POSTED 11/30/2000
Chelsea, Kansas City, MO, United States, Female
Mesg ID 1130200054945
This is a sensitive issue and has to be handled correctly, which
means honestly. If you and guy #1 agreed to see other people while he
was away, then you really haven't done anything wrong. Leaving this
unsaid will become a big problem in the future because somehow it
WILL come out and then guy #1 will not be able to forgive you because
you've kept it from him for so long. He may already feel that way if
you tell him now, but better late than never. Talk to guy #2 and tell
him you want to tell guy #1 about what happened, and both of you tell
him. Be prepared for him to react negatively, though, because now all
he's going to picture is his best friend and his girl in bed
together, and that's going to be hard for him to deal with. But if
he's as serious as you are about your relationship, he will get over
it eventually.
POSTED 12/7/2000
Trisha, Toronto, Ontario, NA, Canada, 26, Female, Black/African
American, Straight, entrepreneur, 2 Years of College , Middle class
Mesg ID 11302000122712
If you want to keep this guy, you better keep this secret - deep,
deep down - as though it never happened.
POSTED 12/7/2000
Ramon, Garland, TX, United States,
<RAYMOND.WIMBLEY@BANCTEC.COM>, 24, Male, Baptist, Black/African
American, Straight, computer technician, Over 4 Years of College ,
Upper middle class
Mesg ID 1130200053326
Face the music and own up. Otherwise, your boyfriend will find out
eventually, and he'll wonder what other information you might not be
willing to divulge.
POSTED 12/7/2000
Ronald V., Edmonton, Alberta, NA, Canada, Male
Mesg ID 121200030146
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