Best of the Week
of Dec. 20, 1998
Here are the most intriguing cross-cultural exchanges either begun or
advanced during the week of Dec. 20, 1998, as selected by Y?
These postings, as well as "Best of the Week" entries from previous
weeks, also can be found in their respective
archives, which we invite you to browse.
There, you will find questions that have received answers, as well as
questions still awaiting responses. We encourage you to answer any
questions relevant to your demographic background, as well as to ask
any provocative question you desire. Answers posted are not
necessarily meant to represent the views of an entire demographic
group, but can provide a window into the insights of an individual
from that group.
First-time users should first make a quick stop at our
guidelines pages for asking and
answering questions.
Question Code
Key:
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A=Age
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GD=General
Diversity
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RE=Religion
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C=Class
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G=Geography
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SE=Sensitive
Matters
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D=Disabilities
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O=Occupation
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SO=Sexual
Orientation
|
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GE=Gender
|
R=Race/Ethnicity
|
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THE QUESTION:
R565: I live in Japan now and
have some questions concerning Japanese manners: Why do Japanese
people feel the need to always compliment me on the fact that I can
use chopsticks, and why do they say I must be fluent in Japanese
simply because I can say the morning greetings? I would never say to
a Japanese person, for example, "Wow, you can use a fork really well!
Where did you learn to do that?" Also, conversely, why do the
Japanese laugh when someone tries to speak their language? In North
America, there is nothing ruder than to laugh at someone you know
cannot speak the native language but who is trying his or her best.
Yet in Japan, people laugh so much at my Japanese - even when it is
correct - that I don't want to speak it anymore. Why is that?
POSTED DEC. 22, 1998
Todd <tdbuk@hotmail.com>, Miyazaki, Japan
ANSWER 1:
The longer you are in Japan,
the more you will learn that it is their way of interacting with you.
Because of our racial and cultural tensions in the States, Americans'
sensitivity to actions and comments from people different from us is
much higher than we realize. Just as you can read on this forum, many
people think some races are over-sensitive to actions of other races
and easily scream foul or racism. Well, other cultures feel that way
about Americans in general. So you may be a bit over-sensitive to how
they are treating you. As for the chopsticks, hey they are
complimenting you, and as for speaking Japanese, your pronunciation
is probably good, and they believe you know more than you do. Relax,
and as many in Asia will tell you, "Don't think too much"! You have
an opportunity to become worldly being in Japan that most people who
follow this forum would love to have. Enjoy.
Also, many people in Asian cultures
are shy and often respond with laughter, even sometimes covering
their mouth while they do so. And because you are a newcomer, you
stick out like a square peg in a round hole and perhaps looks a
little humorous. Good luck , hope you gain a lot living there.
POSTED DEC. 24, 1998
Dave, American in Taiwan <Gilstrap@ms13.hinet.net>, Taipei, Taiwan
FURTHER NOTICE:
I am not Japanese and have
never been to Japan, but being from a "foreign" country living in
America, I feel I can respond to this entry. I think what you are
experiencing is basically "individual reaction" to something that is
unusual to that person, not a reflection of the Japanese people as a
whole. In fact, I believe Americans (individuals, that is) tend to
make fun of "non-Americans" just as much as anyone else in any other
country (I can vouch for plenty of times when my "dialect" and the
way I tend to pronounce some words was a source of outright laughter
to the person(s) I was speaking to). I've been to France and Italy
and never experienced any ridicule when I tried to speak French or
Italian (both of which I know very little), as opposed to what I
experience in America when I'm speaking English (and "English" is my
official language; just spoken differently from Americans).
POSTED DEC. 24, 1998
Trevor S., black Jamaican, 32 <tsteer@worldnet.att.net>, Ypsilanti, MI
FURTHER NOTICE 2:
In some Asian cultures,
laughter can be a sign of embarrassment, similar to covering one's
mouth in the United States. Not sure about Japan. It could be the
listeners are embarrassed for you because of butchered
pronunciation.
POSTED DEC. 24, 1998
B. Hale <halehart@aol.com>, Hartford, CT
FURTHER NOTICE 3:
I lived in Japan for four
years and, so I know what you are describing, but I advise you to not
let it bother you. Living in a foreign country has so many wonderful
aspects that you should try to focus on those aspects and enjoy Japan
- it's an interesting country with many beautiful and friendly
people. Having said that, let me try to answer your question. The
Japanese, in general, are taught that their language and culture are
unique in the world and that foreigners cannot possibly learn and
understand them. Japanese people, especially in the smaller cities
and countryside, are delighted to discover that you can use o-hashi
(chopsticks) and speak a few words of Japanese. I think it would be
the rare Japanese person that would compliment you with a sarcastic
intent.
POSTED DEC. 24, 1998
Henry R., 41 <henry_richardson@hotmail.com>
FURTHER NOTICE 4:
I see that with Chinese
people, too. I think it is because most Asian people don't normally
think of non-Asians speaking "their" language or using chopsticks.
This is probably due to the colonization or occupation of various
Asian countries, where forgeiners refused or did not want to learn
the language and/or customs of that country.
POSTED DEC. 24, 1998
C.C., Asian female, 19 <petitecosette@yahoo.com >, Kingston, Ontario, Canada
To
respond
BACK TO
TOP
THE QUESTION:
RE127: To Jews, Muslims, atheists
and other non-Christian Americans: How do you feel about the
assumption many Americans make that "Christmas is for everybody"? Do
you feel alienated? Pressured to assimilate? Does it not bother
you?
POSTED DEC. 22, 1998
Rhiannon, 28, proud cultural Jew and religious agnostic
<rock0048@tc.umn.edu>, Minneapolis, MN
ANSWER 1:
I'm so glad you asked, at
this most annoying time of year. As a free-thinker, I don't like to
rain (or snow) on anyone's individual parade, but also I don't care
to be forced to celebrate someone else's holiday. Everywhere you turn
there are Santas, shoppers and sprinkled over the top of it, the
insistence that "Jesus is the reason for the season." Last night, my
sweetie and I lit candles all over the house to celebrate the
solstice and eventual return of the sun. I shouldn't have to feel
defensive about acknowledging the fact that the tilt of the earth on
its axis is the reason for the season, but all this "Christmas" blitz
does make me feel that way.
POSTED DEC. 24, 1998
Becky, free-thinker married to Jew, Indianapolis , IN
FURTHER NOTICE:
I celebrate the
commercialistic part of Christmas ... the tree, the lights, the
gifts, TV specials, etc. My Christian friends also do, but in
addition they celebrate the religious part. To me, it's a birthday
party ... why wouldn't someone want to celebrate that? But if you
really feel alienated and pressured, I suggest you make a stand, and
go to work on the 25th of December.
POSTED DEC. 24, 1998
M.P.B. <CISMPB@aol.com>, Medford , NJ
FURTHER NOTICE 2:
As a Jewish youth, I often
feel alienated, probably more than adults, due to the predominance
Christmas holds in our little kiddie minds (gifts, mistletoe,
vacation and spiked eggnog).
POSTED DEC. 24, 1998
Jewish youth <ajacobs14@yahoo.com>, Elkins Park , PA
FURTHER NOTICE 3:
I fully understand that I am
living in a country that consists mainly of Christians. And I fully
accept the fact that they have a right to celebrate this season. In
fact, I often willingly participate in their celebration, and have
for years. Where I have a problem is when my government (city,
county, state, schools, etc.) spends its energy and funds on
religious observances, even if the celebrating agency tips its hat to
me by including my religion. That's when I am made to feel I am some
kind of guest in my own country.
POSTED DEC. 24, 1998
Jerry, 65, white Jewish male, FL
FURTHER NOTICE 4:
Christmas is my least
favorite time of the year because it is when I am subject to the
greatest amount of proselytizing. It is a nearly constant thing and
there are many Christians who cannot take "no" for an answer. I am
not evangelistic in my atheism, and I believe it would be
unconscionably rude for me to berate a Christian (or any other
religious person for that matter) for his or her faith. Yet it seems
many Christians have no compunctions about berating me for my choice
of no religious belief. That said, I realize that it is only a few
Christians who have this attitude ... the rest are generally pleasant
and reasonable people. I find that it is usually easiest to
graciously accept a well-meant "Merry Christmas" and reply with
"happy holidays" or something similar. My roommate is a Jehovah's
Witness, and she has considerable more difficulty than I do. In her
case, simply being gracious and polite is not enough, and this is a
very difficult time of the year for her. When someone asks her what
she is doing for Christmas or something of that nature, she usually
replies along the lines of "I don't celebrate holidays, but thank you
for asking. I hope you have a pleasant holiday." This often results
in her having to explain her religion to everyone who says Merry
Christmas, and then frequently having to listen to people explain to
her that she is going to hell, that she is not a real Christian, etc.
It seems to me that people with religions other than traditional
Christianity have a more difficult time than we atheists, although
there is pressure to conform on all of us.
POSTED DEC. 24, 1998
Randy S., 32, white male atheist, Atlanta , GA
FURTHER NOTICE 5:
I grew up in Toronto, so I'm
not speaking from a typically American standpoint, but a more general
North American one. Growing up culturally (but not necessarily
religiously) Jewish in a predominantly non-Jewish public school in
the '80s, I always looked forward to Christmastime because it meant
we'd have the annual school assembly where all the kids would pack
into the gym and sing Christmas carols (and back then, we recited the
Lord's Prayer every day after the National Anthem and were allowed to
sing religious carols as opposed to just cutesy ones). In fact, my
favorite Christmas carol to this day is "Away In A Manger" - I love
the melody.
Feeling that Christmas was all around
me when I was growing up didn't take anything away from my being
Jewish. I still looked forward to lighting the Menorah at home, and
learning about why we celebrated a different Biblical story at the
same time as my non-Jewish friends. The same goes for Easter and
Passover coinciding. I love tradition - I love Christmas songs,
Christmas specials on TV, attending the Christmas Mass service at a
friend's church, egg nog, tree decorating, family get-togethers ...
it's what Christmas represents that I really enjoy. I find it sad,
however, that Christmas has become so commercialized for some that
they get stressed out because they haven't "crossed everybody off
their shopping list" by a certain date. Each year, I love receiving
Christmas/Happy Holiday cards from my friends and family around the
world to let me know I'm being thought of during the holiday season.
Anyway, that's my two cents. Merry Christmas, Joyeux Noel, Mele
Kalikimaka, happy holidays and Happy New Year to all.
POSTED DEC. 24, 1998
Taneia, 25, mixed ethnicity/Jewish <taneia@sprint.ca>, Toronto, Ontario, Canada
FURTHER NOTICE 6:
I have noticed that
Christians everywhere tend to think everyone celebrates Christmas.
Even some of my friends who know I'm a witch were surprised to find I
didn't celebrate it. I don't think this is an American phenomenon,
though, since I found the same type of thing in Australia, too. I've
never had any problems regarding my beliefs. Some people are
surprised, but I've had very few negative responses from people. Most
of those were from hardcore, born-again types (no offense intended to
the non-preachy born-agains), and those people are difficult to begin
with. The Christmas season doesn't really bother me much. I find the
commercialism a bit tacky, but most people do, and after all, yule
was a pagan holiday to begin with, so I celebrate my own way while
everybody else celebrates theirs.
POSTED DEC. 24, 1998
Elric L., 29, Celtic/pagan <elefay@hotmail.com>, Pasadena, MD
FURTHER NOTICE 7:
Although I have been a
practicing witch for more than 15 years, I don't feel alienated
during the Christmas holiday. I have warm memories of Christmas as a
child with my family and continue to celebrate it each year with
Christmas morning gift-giving and a traditional huge holiday meal
with my family. Like most Wiccans, I am well aware that the timing
(Winter Solstice or Yule) and many of the trappings (Christmas tree,
mistletoe, wassail, yule log, etc.) are derived from pagan sources.
My friends and I get a chuckle driving around pointing out houses
decorated with pentagram (five-pointed star) lights on them this time
of year. For seven years I DJ-aed a weekly alternative spirituality
radio program and always included several multicultural programs to
cover Yule/Hannukah/Christmas/Kwanzaa/Solstice, which included
Jewish, pagan, Native American, feminist spirituality, lesbian/gay
and ethnic Christmas sources. I still yearly share Winter Solstice
ritual with my coven sisters. This is the first year I've had close
friends celebrate Ramadan, so I've been learning more about this
Muslim observance.
The times I have felt most alienated
in the past were when I refused to attend Christmas Eve Candlelight
Service at my parent's Methodist Church (where I was a member before
converting to Wicca). At that time my mother was quite vocally
rejecting of Wicca and badgering me to rejoin the church. This
irritated me immensely, so I stayed home alone while the rest of my
family attended church, even my nominally Jewish brother-in-law. She
has since lightened up on the subject. After my father died and I
nearly lost mom to a heart attack two years ago, I have become more
accommodating about accompanying her to Candlelight Service. I no
longer feel I am compromising my spiritual beliefs as much as I am
helping my widowed mother feel a sense of family togetherness. Maybe
this is what people mean when they say "Christmas is for everybody" -
not that everyone celebrates the Christian observance, but that this
time of year is often marked by an outpouring of compassion for
others and a sense of love, hope, joy and peace on earth.
POSTED DEC. 24, 1998
WitchWomon, Dianic witch <WitchWomon@aol.com>, Southfield, MI
FURTHER NOTICE 8:
Although Christmas is
technically the celebration of Christ's birth, there are so many
other evolved aspects of the holiday that anybody can engage in. I am
an atheist, and my husband is an agnostic, but we still take part in
some aspects of Christmas. We view this as a good as time as any to
catch up with friends and relatives. Also, we exchange gifts, and
Santa Claus visits our children every year. The religious aspect is
never mentioned. I have a friend who is a Unitarian who is married to
a Buddhist. My friend tells me that her family celebrates the same
way we do. I have considered it is presumptuous of some people to
assume that everybody is a Christian by telling us all "Merry
Christmas." I don't get too bent out of shape over it, though,
because I believe these people are just trying to extend good
will.
POSTED DEC. 24, 1998
Michell, 31, white female, Panama City, FL
FURTHER NOTICE 9:
Where I live, Christmas is
for everybody, whether you like it or not. Christmas carols,
decorations and cards everywhere! And if you "aren't in the Christmas
spirit" you're a scrooge. I'm an atheist, but my family is Jewish, so
I've never celebrated Christmas. I feel like the whole world is in a
club that I'm not a member of. I can get into Santa and Christmas
trees but I can't swallow the rest of it. It is in the spirit of
Christmas that many "Christians" tell me I will burn in Hell.
POSTED DEC. 24, 1998
Amy, 29, atheist
FURTHER NOTICE 10:
I don't often feel like an
outsider in my own society, but as a non-believing Jew, this is a
surreal time of year for me. America seems to think Santa and Jesus
and reindeer and elves are for everybody, but in truth there are many
of us who just don't give a damn and aren't part of the Big Happy
Christian Family. I don't feel pressure to assimilate - I'm not an
assimilating kind of guy - but I do feel eager at times for Christmas
to just get finished already. Thanks for the question.
POSTED DEC. 24, 1998
Andrew, 35, Jewish background <ziptron@start.com.au>, Huntington , NY
FURTHER NOTICE 11:
Although I am an atheist, I
can understand why Christians believe it is a holiday for , mostly
because it is a time when families come together. We all enjoy that -
those are human feelings that have been around long before people
started making up religious beliefs. Actually, I am more offended by
local governments and merchants who put up "Jesus paraphernalia"
around the holidays, completely ignoring Jewish people and us
atheists.
POSTED DEC. 24, 1998
Greg, 36, atheist <greg@hotmail.com>
To
respond
BACK TO
TOP
THE QUESTION:
D31: I'm a severe arthritic
and use a three-wheel scooter to get around. Why is it that I'm
invisible to some people? They cut across my path like they are
playing chicken, or casually stroll in front of me and then seem
amazed I'm there, stopping with a jolt. I encounter this all the
time, and it makes me furious. One mother whose child ran into me
yelled that I didn't belong in the mall. And why, when I'm in line
next to some people, do they look at me like I'm from outer
space?
POSTED DEC. 22, 1998
Shirl, 51, married, white female, Londonderry, NH
ANSWER 1:
I have noticed there seems to
be among some people an incredible hostility toward people with
disabilities. I cannot explain it, except to say it seems to come
from the same place as sexism, homophobia, racism and other forms of
bigotry. I have a chemical sensitivity; I have needed to ask at jobs
that the people with whom I am working refrain from wearing scented
products. My current employer is cooperative, but I was out of work
two years while being fired or having offers withdrawn when employers
found out I needed accommodation (yes, this is illegal). I remember
an exchange in Dear Abby when a reader complained about sitting near
a disabled woman in a restaurant; the woman's husband needed to feed
her and the writer was upset. Abby's response was that she would
rather look at the disabled woman than the writer of the letter,
adding "people like you make me sick." I realize I am not really
answering your question. All I can say is your experience is no more
unique than the constant brushes with racism experienced by an
African American or the constant sex discrimination experienced by a
woman.
POSTED DEC. 24, 1998
Carol, disabled female, Castro Valley, CA
To
respond
BACK TO
TOP
THE QUESTION:
A21: Why are many old people, in
my opinion, so mean and grumpy?
POSTED JULY 18, 1998
Brian W. <CoyoteBw@aol.com>, Lincroft, NJ
FURTHER NOTICE 6:
We had all the fun; they had
a tough life. Old people are grumpy because they grew up broke during
the Depression, lost friends and brothers in WWII, lived with the
very real fear of nuclear war in the '50s, and then worked their
butts off anyway to raise kids who turned into dope-smoking
protesting hippies in the '60s. Now they face the inevitable fact
that they're going to die real soon, having had much more to worry
about and much less fun than their Boomer kids and Gen-X grandkids.
The old folks had it tough, and they feel unappreciated. They did all
the work, and we got all the rewards. I believe they're p----d.
Especially about the Sexual Revolution thing.
POSTED DEC. 22, 1998
Eric S., 50, white male , Canadian American <simandl@sprintmail.com>, Las Vegas, NV
To
respond
BACK TO
TOP
THE QUESTION:
SO110: I'm a 14-year-old gay
teenager and would like any of the older gay men out there to please
give me some advice about coming out, etc.
POSTED DEC. 21, 1998
Gay, 14, <ham111@hotmail.com>, Ontario, Canada
ANSWER 1:
It is incredibly tough to
give advice on this, especially at your age. First, you must be sure
that you yourself have accepted (as much as is possible) your own
sexual orientation. At your age, this may be quite difficult to do.
After that, start with your immediate family (mom and dad). Try to
choose a time when everyone is relaxed and there is adequate time for
you to spend discussing the issue. Try to gauge your parents'
feelings regarding homosexuality by asking questions here and there
without actually coming out or seeming obvious in your questioning.
You should be able to tell how receptive your parents will be. Just
realize that his will most definitely be a defining moment in your
life. Your parents are not going to be happy or necessarily accepting
at first. Once they have time to think about it and realize you are
the same person you've always been, they'll gradually be more
accepting. Coming out is a very long process. Be patient - best
wishes.
POSTED DEC. 22, 1998
Brian, 26, gay white male
FURTHER NOTICE:
A lot depends on how your
parents will take the news. What do they think of homosexuality ? For
instance, if they see a gay story on TV, what comment would they
make? Are they likely to react in an aggressive way? You may want to
access local gay organizations that may have youth support groups, if
there are any in your area. It is really difficult to advise what to
do in this situation without knowing the specifics of your
relationships with your family, the area you live in, etc. One
critical thing is to be yourself. I wouldn't give your parents a
serving of gay rhetoric; it might create the impression that this
isn't you speaking, that you've been influenced by someone. So make
it clear that this is how you are feeling, that it is your individual
decision.
POSTED DEC. 22, 1998
Ben S., 30, queer Caucasian male <bscaro@hotmail.com>, Hobart, Tasmania, Australia
FURTHER NOTICE 2:
First, be careful about how
"out" you are, depending on where you live. Remember Matthew Shepard.
Although polls show that most people take a "live and let live"
attitude about homosexuality, there are still plenty of confused,
ignorant, hate-filled people who are more than happy to beat you up
for something you have no choice about. I'm not trying to scare you
into the closet, I'm just warning you that you can be a martyr and
wear your sexuality on your sleeve, or you can, to a certain extent,
blend in with society. It's your choice, and if you're lucky enough
to live in a big metropolitan area where there is a large gay
community, so much the better, because someone else has done the work
to make life easier for you. I'm sure this bit of advice will enrage
a few, but those of us who aren't the type to protest and scream (I
have nothing but respect for most of those brave enough to do it) far
outnumber those who do. We're out, but quietly, and we do our part to
earn the respect of straight society and help just as much to further
the cause of putting down our repression by showing we're just like
them in all ways but one.
Second, be gentle with your family
and friends about coming out. Do it quietly and with compassion about
their feelings. Don't do it for shock value. If you can get their
support, life is going to be a lot easier. Don't expect them to
embrace your sexuality immediately, and be prepared to lose some
friends because of it. They may never bring themselves to the point
where they completely understand homosexuality, but perhaps
eventually you can at least make them understand that being gay is
not a choice and that you embrace it and enjoy it.
Some help in coming out can be found
in books at most larger bookstores and libraries in the human
sexuality section, and online. Read them and then share them with the
people who matter to you. Remember that if you can't find support
from your family, you'll be making family for the rest of your life
through gay friends. Some of mine are closer than family.
One more thing and I'll shut up:
Practice safe sex. Read everything you can get your hands on about
HIV/AIDS. There are hundreds of thousands of people in this part of
the world, and plenty in your city, who are HIV-positive, and they
can and will pass the virus to you if the proper precautions aren't
taken. The new advances in medicine are great, but they aren't a
cure. The medications being used by positive men and women to control
the disease have terrible side effects that you don't want to live
with. Until a real cure/vaccine is found, assume every man you ever
have sex with is HIV-positive.
Good luck. You're in for a fun ride.
Enjoy it!
POSTED DEC. 22, 1998
Michael, 39, gay white male, Winston-Salem, NC
FURTHER NOTICE 3:
You say you are from Ontario,
but you don't say if you are from a city or small town. If you are in
a city, you should be able to connect with a lesbian or gay youth
group. If you are in a rural area, this may be more difficult, but in
Ontario there is a province-wide youth hotline called the Lesbian,
Gay and Bisexual Youthline. I think it has a website with a telephone
number. My advice is that you contact one of these groups and talk to
someone, especially someone close to your own age. Having been a
volunteer with a number of gay youth groups over the past few years,
I think it best that you talk to another young gay person. Good
luck.
POSTED DEC. 22, 1998
Doug K. <dkerr@uwgt.org>, Toronto, Ontario, Canada
FURTHER NOTICE 4:
First, coming out has to be
viewed in perspective. My coming out at 35 meant I lost a couple of
friends, a relative or two, but not much more. I'm established in my
work career in a very open company, so no danger there. At 14,
however, the stakes are far higher. There are kids on the streets
here in Dallas who came out at 15, 16 and 17 and were summarily
thrown out of their homes; no continued financial support, no
continued education, no continued security. They earn money at menial
jobs and depend on older guys to buy them dinners, sometimes with
"strings" attached. It's great to be out and feel free to associate
with gay people in the gay neighborhood, but it's not such a great
feeling if you're having to work the street to stay there. Analyze
your own situation, i.e. where would you live, where would you get
money for food, how would you finish high school if you came out and
were then thrown out? In some cases, it's better to wait until you
have some stability before you make the leap. Tap into resources
available at www.oasismag.com, www.planetout.com, XY Magazine, local
gay/lesbian resource providers or the Metropolitan Community Church
for additional information or help. Good luck, and please make safe
and careful choices.
POSTED DEC. 22, 1998
Mark, 38, gay white male <bentley@cyberramp.net>, Dallas, TX
To
respond
BACK TO
TOP
THE QUESTION:
R553: As a person very proud of
my Southern heritage, I advocate displaying the Confederate Flag and
things associated with it, but I am strongly against racism or
prejudice. Is there a way I can show my Southern pride without
offending people who associate the Confederate Flag with racism
(since Hollywood and uneducated people have made the two
synonomous)?
POSTED DEC. 4, 1998
Stacey M., 21, white female <smcabee@coj.net>, Middleburg, FL
FURTHER NOTICE 7:
Kudos, sister, for bringing
out an important point. It is very difficult to explain to people
from outside the South that love for our heritage and culture and
love for our country (the old CSA) is not synonymous with hatred and
oppression of our black neighbors. Unfortunately, the problem you
will encounter with displaying the Confederate Battle Flag in public
is the preconceptions that are so firmly entrenched in the minds of
the flag's enemies. My suggestion is to consider the original Bonnie
Blue Flag or First National Confederate flag as symbols of your
Southern pride. Many people don't recognize them, and they are not as
inflammatory as the battle flag. Most importantly, just live your
life in such a way that that your actions speak far louder than your
symbols.
POSTED DEC. 22, 1998
Wallace, Confederate-American (love y'all!, serve y'all!)
<tdbuk@hotmail.com>, Suwanee, GA
To
respond
BACK TO
TOP
THE QUESTION:
GD54: To people who are
undergoing or have undergone fertility treatments: How do you justify
spending thousands of dollars in an attempt to have a baby when there
are millions of children in the United States and around the world
who need families? Are other people's children viewed as "used
goods"?
POSTED DEC. 4, 1998
Heidi J., 31, childless <heidij@ix.netcom.com>, Simi Valley, CA
ANSWER 1:
There are several reasons
people may choose to employ artificial insemination or other
fertility treatments to give birth to children rather than to adopt
children. For some, the process of pregnancy, birthing, nursing, etc.
is seen as a wondrous miracle, nurturing and rewarding, fulfilling a
primordial creative urge, a natural affirmation of one aspect of
womanhood. For others it is a type of immortality - a continuation of
a family bloodline or gene pool. As part of the animal kingdom,
humans may even exhibit some of the lingering animal need for
dominant males to ensure their own progeny (as displayed by male
lions killing the pride cubs of a prior dominant male). Much of the
concept of legitimacy and
illegitimacy is based on a traditional desire of men to
ensure inheritance (including sovereignty) to their "natural"
children. Men could have many wives and concubines, but women were
expected to be monogamous to assure indisputable paternity.
Having children of their own may also
represent a visible bond between two people who love each other - a
part of a dearly loved person that will live on after the loved one
is gone. To see their grandparents' eyes in their grandchild's face
is to reaffirm their place in the continuation of life. For lesbians,
single women or others who have either been legally prevented from
adopting or otherwise encountered prejudicial obstacles to adoption,
artificial insemination may be both a less expensive and more
expedient alternative to adoption. While there may be some potential
parents who look down on adoptable children as "bastards," "junkie's
kids," "problem children," or "used goods," I suspect many simply
want to experience the miracle of birth. Others may be frightened by
highly publicized cases of birth parents suing to re-establish
parental rights to children supposedly given up for adoption.
POSTED DEC. 21, 1998
DykeOnByke, 48, lesbian mother and soon-to-be grandmother
<DykeOnByke@aol.com>,Southfield , MI
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THE QUESTION:
R557: I spent several years
growing up in New York City. During that time, I was beaten up on
eight different occaisions. Seven of those beatings were by groups of
young black males. I have always been wary of young black males ever
since. I don't trust them. I do not have this same instinctive fear
when I encounter black women, elderly black people, etc. I have been
told this is a racist position and that I should "get over it." OK,
maybe it is racist. But I often hear African Americans saying they
don't trust white people because they've had bad experiences with
them, but I'd never get away with telling them to "get over it."
Isn't this a double standard? I almost got killed and I'm just
supposed to forget it?
POSTED DEC. 9, 1998
Dan, white male, New York, NY
ANSWER 1:
In response to the "getting
over it" part, we (Afro Americans) do just that on a daily basis. You
will never understand what it's like to be black and to be
discriminated against on a daily basis, and I know you don't want to
hear it (I'm sure you've seen the 20/20 and Dateline stories on the
disparate treatments), but we adjust and keep on living. Despite all
the attention given to the discriminatory practices toward all
minorities, they still exist because this is the kind of society we
live in.
Now, to specifically respond to your
statement/question, I don't think you should have to forget your
experiences; just don't transfer the hurt or bitterness onto other
young black males like myself. Don't judge me based on your past
experiences - you're being unfair to me,because I didn't do anything
to you, and you're being unfair to yourself, because then you deprive
yourself of maybe a very positive and productive encounter with
others like myself. One last thing: You mentioned having an
"instinctive fear" of young black males - that suggests to me that
this fear is like second nature to you, or something you were born
with. Not so. Prejudice is something you learn, so please unlearn
this way of thinking, and judge me for me.
POSTED DEC. 21, 1998
Shawn, 29, black male <smoore15@aol.com>, Baltimore , MD
FURTHER NOTICE:
I feel it is silly and really
counterproductive to generalize from a small group of thugs to an
entire group of people because you've had bad experiences with those
few thugs. I notice you said black males were responsible for those
beatings seven out of the eight times - why not generalize about the
group that beat you that eighth time? Still, it is understandable to
say that some fear on your part is warranted in certain situations
because of direct experiences. Just know that all black males are not
thuggish and out to beat you to near death.
There is a bigger issue, though. And
that is how the "angry, black male'' stereotype affects us all. I,
too, get fearful sometimes when approached by groups of black males.
I often catch myself allowing my thoughts to run into that irrational
world, but I usually rather quickly dismiss those thoughts as the
nothings they are. If we all were allowed to be more honest without
being labeled racist, etc., you would find out that not only whites,
but blacks as well, sometimes feel those types of fear of black
males. The black male stereotype generated through movies,
television, newspapers and magazines has a lot to do with that
irrational fear, but too many black males themselves (I'm included in
this group) perpetuate that stereotype by trying to prove their
manhood through physical acts. For some reason or another, too many
people think a group of white thugs is just a group of white thugs,
while a group of black thugs is indicative of all black males.
Stereotype any group and you are bound to be incorrect.
In response to the first answer, I
don't have to "get over it'' everyday because on most days I'm not
faced with racism, direct or otherwise. I'm pretty certain that some
blacks are faced with that everyday, but not all of us. And I also
believe if we stopped saying that people can't possibly understand
what we go through, then they might actually try to understand what
we go through. We as blacks don't own discrimination or feeling
put-down, as we sometimes seem to think, and as soon as more of us
admit that, then maybe we would have a much better chance at true
racial dialogue. And yes, whites have to realize that if millions of
black people are yelling and screaming, saying something is wrong,
then it would serve them well to at least honestly investigate the
notion that something actually could be wrong.
POSTED DEC. 22, 1998
Issac B., 25, black male <ibailey@thesunnews.com>, Myrtle Beach , SC
FURTHER NOTICE 2:
This question raises the
greatest diversity question of all: How does an individual reconcile
behavior that is rational and justifiable from a personal standpoint,
yet harmful to others and society at the same time? The ability to
discern patterns from limited data is a sign of intelligence and a
survival skill. Yet it is also a form of stereotyping. Of course it
is rational for a man who has been mugged seven times by groups of
young black men to avoid or fear groups of young black men.
Simultaneously, it is unfair to the large majority of young black men
who would never commit violent acts. The difficulty is that in order
for the questioner to perceive the individuals as individuals, he
first must get close enough to expose himself to potential assault.
Another example is a storeowner who may experience frequent
shoplifting by groups of teenagers. Does she tail teenagers
throughout the store to protect her livelihood, which would be unfair
to the many law-abiding teenagers, or ignore the pattern and lose
thousands of dollars? To respect the dignity of the many means
exposing oneself to the harm caused by the few. I can image thousands
of years ago, men would have had to identify a stranger at a distance
as a member of one specific clan or another, complete with
stereotyped assumptions as to risk of violence and with big
consequences for being wrong. Obviously, caution would rule over
giving everybody the benefit of the doubt. How do we get beyond this
in a multi-cultural society?
POSTED DEC. 22, 1998
B. Hale, white male <halehart@aol.com>, Hartford, CT
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THE QUESTION:
G61: Why do people think that
people in the Midwest of the United States are all boring,
un-cultured idiots?
POSTED DEC. 18, 1998
B., 28, white male, Minneapolis, MN
ANSWER 1:
I grew up in New Jersey and
have lived in the Midwest the past seven years. In my experience,
Midwesterners aren't particularly boring or uncultured. However, I
find many white people here in Minneapolis terribly naive and awkward
when it comes to people who are not white. I'll never forget meeting
a young suburban man who, upon hearing I was headed to a Hanukkah
party, proclaimed: "Oh! I know someone else who's Jewish, too!" I'll
never forget an acquaintance who casually infomed me that he moved to
Maple Grove because it has the lowest minority population of all the
suburbs. I like Minneapolis, but I miss the diversity of the East
Coast, and I'm sick of suburban hicks who think that anyone different
from them is exotic.
POSTED DEC. 21, 1998
Rhiannon, 28, white Jewish pseudo-Midwestern female <rock0048@tc.umn.edu>, Minneapolis, MN (for now)
FURTHER NOTICE:
I am from the Midwest and now
live in Buffalo. Look at how the Midwest is portrayed in the media,
TV shows, movies, and in general. That is where people get their
ideas if they have never been there. Also, while traveling through
these parts to go down South, my husband and I have encountered many
people who are not open to a cultural mix. Not all people believe
this, but people without any experience from the real world are not
open to change. Let's face it, we are all creatures of habit, and not
many of us adjust to change and new ideas very well.
POSTED DEC. 21, 1998
Babs <Babs127@aol.com>, Buffalo, NY
FURTHER NOTICE 2:
I am from Minnesota, and
while serving in the Marine Corps I was stationed in Virginia and
really loved that state, but the people thought that we closed down
the state during the winter months. They truly wondered how we got
from point A to point B without dying from the bitter cold. And many
of them thought Minnesota was either over there by Montana or east of
Michigan. Don't get me wrong, I really thought the people and culture
of Virginia were wonderful and kind. It is just that those I met
didn't travel much farther than the western border of their own
state.
POSTED DEC. 21, 1998
34, male, <gjmurd@willmar.com>, MN
FURTHER NOTICE 3:
I don't think they all are,
but I think there's less divergence from the norm there, and less
tolerance for being outside the norm. This may sound terribly
elitist, but here are some things I've had a lot of trouble finding
every time I've ventured into our nation's middle: Excellent ethnic
restaurants. Unusual book stores. Theaters specializing in foreign
and/or independent films. Neighborhoods full of art galleries (not
just one or two). Decent coffee. Good radio. I'm sure all these
things exist in some parts of the Midwest, but when I've lived on the
east and west coasts and in New Orleans, I had all of those things at
my fingertips.
POSTED DEC. 21, 1998
Andrew, 35, tri-coastal (East, West and Gulf) <ziptron@start.com.au>, Huntington, NY
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THE QUESTION:
R367: Why do people in the United
States put their aging parents in convalescent homes? I come from
both an Asian and Latino background, and I know this would be
absolutely unacceptable in those cultures and a great source of
disrespect.
POSTED JULY 1, 1998
Michela, 23, Latina-Asian female, Los Angeles, CA
FURTHER NOTICE 10:
I'm not from the United
States, but I collaborated with a nursing home for many years there.
I have an answer: The average white American is encouraged to leave
his or her household as soon as they finish high school (age 19). If
they don't leave, they practically get kicked out by their parents
for being "freeloaders" and "bums." In return, when their parents get
old, the sons won't take care of them, either, because they have
other duties to attend to, like their own families. (andAlzheimers
cases in nursing homes are far from being the majority). To me, it's
a cultural thing: Latin and Asian families have certain values. The
parents take care of sons until or if they marry (whatever the age),
and sons in return take care of their parents if they later need it.
No nursing homes.
POSTED DEC. 21, 1998
N. Agelvis, 29, white Hispanic male <nelsoneas@hotmail.com>, Caracas, Venezuela
FURTHER NOTICE 11:
As a nursing home
administrator, and having had a grandparent in a nursing home as well
as an aged parent in my home, I can speak from some bias on the
subject. I think the difference is greater than American vs.
non-American, but is strongly divided on racial lines. Previous
respondents noted that 1) Small family size, 2) desire for the aged
to remain independent and 3) presence of available non-working
caregivers are important factors. In our business, we see that
African Americans who are admitted nearly always come from a large,
extended family. Nearly always they are admitted from living with a
child, grandchild, godchild, niece or nephew. Nearly all the
Caucasians admitted were living in apartments, private homes or
condominiums before admission. In all cases, they come to the home
because either the labor required to care for them, the cost of
caring for them or the toll on the family life is too great. It's not
a shame to put someone in a home; it's just a shame when you don't
visit.
POSTED DEC. 22, 1998
Anonymous, South Florida
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THE QUESTION:
R212: I've noticed it seems more
prevalent for a black male to date a white female than it is for a
black female to date a white male. Is this because black males pursue
white females more, or is there less of an interest between white
males and black females dating?
POSTED APRIL 24, 1998
B.H., 30, male, Sterling Heights, MI
FURTHER NOTICE 5:
As a black female, I think
white women really don't have anything to offer a black man because
white people didn't struggle the way we did. We as black women backed
our black men up and took care of their children. Second, back in the
day when a white woman and black man passed each other and the black
man may have said "hello" to that white woman, she would run and tell
white men that a black man assaulted her. A black man would have been
killed over things a white woman had lied about; that is why I say
white people should stick to their kind, and hopfully we will stick
to our kind.
POSTED DEC. 21, 1998
Peaches, black female
FURTHER NOTICE 6:
Women are still seen as a
commodity in this culture, and white women have a whole marketing
program in the media designed to convince us that skinny, pale women
with long flowing hair are the highest prize. Trophy wives.
African-American women do not receive the same sell. Caution, though:
Individuals make connections for many reasons, and although I know
folks (both male and female) who have hooked up with white partners
in order to try to escape their heritage, I know others whose white
partners have become part of the African-American community.
Personally, I would like to be judged for myself, not for my
connection to a man, but I realize in this country that is naive. As
a white woman, I benefit from that "marketing program." I cannot,
therefore, discount the anger expressed by people like Peaches. All I
can say is, who are your people? Is solidarity proven by skin color?
Then what do we do with people like Mary Church Turrell, Charles
Drew, even Louis Farrakhan? Leaders whose skin color might label them
as white. I have to admit that I find myself getting angry and making
assumptions when I see a brother with a white partner. And I'm white!
But I try to let their speech and action have the final say. This is
such a hard one. I would like to hear more from other
African-American women to learn if there is a way for a white woman
to be committed to an African-American man and still show respect for
African-American women.
POSTED DEC. 22, 1998
Lori, white female, Fort Myers, FL
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THE QUESTION:
G11: Why do some people in the
United States think that people in Canada still live in igloos and
have snow year-round?
POSTED JUNE 24, 1998
Greg H., mid-30s, white male, Woodstock, Ontario, Canada
FURTHER NOTICE 4:
Because that's all that many
of us have seen from TV and movies - just like Alaska conjures up
images of dogsleds and Eskimos (or Inuits). Sadly enough, many people
I know (I live in Tennessee) have gross misconceptions about life in
Maine.
POSTED DEC. 21, 1998
Emily, white female, 24 <Darrow25@aol.com>, Memphis , TN
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