Dare to Ask: No straight answer about sexuality

By PHILLIP MILANO, The Times-Union

Question

I met this girl a few days ago who is absolutely gorgeous and has an awesome personality. I feel I'm sexually attracted to her, which is creeping me out a lot. I also have some lesbian fantasies. Am I bi?

Ashley, 16, New York

Replies

Welcome to my world.

Keith, bisexual, Dallas

You're SIXTEEN. At your age, going through a car wash might turn you on.

Ann, 38, straight, Kansas City, Mo.

You are bi-curious.

Freda, 25, bisexual, Indianola, Miss.

Turned on by girls and lesbian fantasies? I'd say you're bi.

Amy, 23, straight, Louisiana

I am the exact same way. I was weirded out myself. I don't think you're bi until you act on it.

Tiffany, 20, Detroit

Sexuality tends to occur on a sliding scale.

Laura, 20, bisexual, Grand Rapids, Mich

I feel the same as you as far as feeling ashamed. I come from a Christian background. I'm "sick," "perverted" or, as some call it, "demon-possessed." One can see how I want to be restored back to my religion and to God but at the same time feel alienated and rejected by both.

Anonymous, Daytona Beach

It means you are in a very experimental stage.

Natasha, 25, straight, Marion, Ark.

It might just be a phase. I had that phase, too.

A.M., 17, straight, Des Moines, Iowa

Expert says

We debated which of two definitions of bisexuality to use, but in the end decided this column should go both ways.

One definition stresses potential: People with the capacity to be attracted to more than one gender might be considered bisexual, even if they never act on it, said Loraine Hutchins, Ph.D., a sex educator who co-edited Bi Any Other Name: Bisexual People Speak Out.

(A National Center for Health Statistics survey in 2002 found 5.6 percent of males and 12.9 percent of females ages 18 to 44 said they were attracted to both males and females.)

The other definition looks at people who self-identify as "bisexual" and act on it. (The same survey found 1.8 percent of men and 2.8 percent of women ages 18 to 44 identified as bisexual.)

And, while some studies now indicate bisexuality isn't a "phase" but is a lifetime identity, it doesn't mean all teen girls who are feeling attraction to both males and females are bi, Hutchins said.

"It's easier for girls in our society to experiment. . . . But this girl has all the time in the world and doesn't have to 'declare,' like it's a college major," she said. "She should check out where the scared feelings are coming from . . . perhaps at a Gay-Straight Alliance at her high school. It could mean a lot of different things. The first time I had an erotic dream about another woman I was repulsed . . . but then I had other experiences that were more positive."

Phillip Milano, author of I Can't Believe You Asked That! (Perigee), moderates cross-cultural dialogue at Y? The National Forum on People's Differences. Visit www.yforum.com to submit questions and answers. Send general column comments to phillip. milano@jacksonville.com. You can also hear his podcasts or watch his TV spots.