DARE TO ASK: Rude? You don't know from nothin'

By PHILLIP MILANO, The Times-Union

Question

Why do people from New York City tend to be ruder?

John P., 28, Tampa Bay

Replies

I grew up in New York City. People who settle there have a great deal of ambition to get top jobs and are very competitive. This can easily manifest itself in rudeness. (Also) New Yorkers are always on guard to ensure they will not be ripped off. This also can lead to rudeness. If you are not rude and aggressive there, you'll get eaten for lunch.

Hayden, 31, Delray Beach

People are packed pretty tightly in apartment buildings and in the subways and sidewalks - this ain't an auto town - so sometimes tempers get flared. Still, we are some of the nicest people you'd ever meet.

Peter, 30, Queens, N.Y.

I've always found people there very friendly. People in Los Angeles, on the other hand, are quite unfriendly. Wealthy Angelenos won't give you the time of day.

E.E., 24, male, New York

Here's two of my encounters with NYers: 1) I was coming off the train struggling to carry a stroller. A man took it without a word and carried it up the stairs. 2) I was at an intersection. I didn't see the cab bearing down on me. A hand pulled me out of harm's way. The voice said "I don't know where you're from, but we don't do that here."

Ginger, Barnegat, N.J.

Expert says

Y'think New Yorkers are rude? Well, who died an' made you boss? I got ya "rude" right here. Go back to your stoop - you don't know from nothin'. And while I'm at it, I'm schleppin' across the street for a lemon ice - want I should get ya one?

NYers can be blunt - but rude? Depends how you define it, said syndicated columnist Meghan Daum, who has written about her years in New York before moving to L.A.

"If you're talking about a saccharine politeness and sweetness in certain parts of the country, like the South - and we're talking stereotypes here - New Yorkers do not fall into that category," she said. "But it's only a veneer. If you scratch beneath it, New Yorkers are more friendly."

While the fast pace causes brusqueness, "In New York, you can talk to a stranger waiting for the bus or subway. They're more open to conversation."

She likened living in the Big Apple to a "trial by fire."

"You have to prove yourself, that you're not intimidated, won't run away crying, will laugh, let it roll off your back . . . there are moments of testing."

Passing the test helps.

"It's like the guy behind the deli counter. He may be gruff, but then if you answer him or make a joke and smile, it's showing him you won't be fazed . . . then I'll bet he'll respond. All New Yorkers are saying is, be real."

Daum might be on to something: In 2006, Reader's Digest sent undercover "politeness police" to 36 cities to see who would hold doors for strangers or say "thank you." New Yorkers were the most courteous. The rudest city overall? Mumbai, India. In Europe, Moscow and Bucharest were least polite.

Phillip Milano, author of I Can't Believe You Asked That! (Perigee), moderates cross-cultural dialogue at Y? The National Forum on People's Differences. Visit www.yforum.com to submit questions and answers. Send general column comments to phillip. milano@jacksonville.com. You can also hear his podcasts or watch his TV spots.