Dare to Ask: Can you describe someone as 'that white girl,' 'that black guy'?

By Phillip J. Milano

The Florida Times-Union

Question

I would like to know of a better way to address someone in their absence. Let me give an example: It annoys me when people say “that white girl” or “that black guy.” — Shaina, Indian, Fort Worth, Texas

Replies

How stupid would we be if when answering a question such as “which clerk took care of you?” if there were two 6-foot males approximately the same age and you had to bend over backward to describe them while being “racially blind.” “He was, um, kind of thin. Was wearing a white shirt. Short hair … Damn it! The white one! OK?!” — Mark, 44, white, Orlando

What good would it do to say “that person” without a way to describe which person? Saying “the white girl” or “the Hispanic guy” isn’t a devaluation of their humanity, it’s a description of what they look like. It’s a way to differentiate them from the greater mass of human sameness so that whomever you’re talking to can figure out to which human being you are referring. — M., white female, Dallas, Ga.

Expert says

John Kirksey is president of the National Multicultural Institute in Washington, D.C. He’s one of the nation’s leading cross-cultural experts. He’s the former senior vice president and chief diversity and inclusion officer of financial giant AXA Equitable. He’s also a black guy, but we’ll bring that up later in a more nuanced way.

For now, let’s just say that he told us people are generally becoming more comfortable with physical differences, and that it’s usually not a problem to use race when describing someone.

“It’s the same as saying someone has on a red shirt or is 6 inches taller than the other person; it’s an immediate identifier. … You see me, and see that I might be described as a fair-skinned, middle-aged African-American,” said the African-American Kirksey, who is black. “It’s a good way to get someone to know who you’re talking about.”

The problem is when you start adding value judgments to the race descriptors.

“For example, there was an article about some young black men harassing white voters at a polling place, and that’s a fine way to describe them. But it went a step further, describing them as two young, black thuggish fellows. That, tied to the black ID, reinforces a stereotype.”

So mostly, it comes down to intent.

Kirksey referred to a reporter jokingly described on Comedy Central’s “The Daily Show” as its “Senior Black Correspondent” (comedian Larry Wilmore): “The implication being, of course, that maybe you’re only here because you’re black. It’s like, he’s one of our correspondents, but he’s not quite a total correspondent.”

It’s a running gag on the show, sure, but in the real world, well, it’s not, he said. Kirksey recalled a top corporate vice president who once referred to him as “the best black executive I’ve ever met.”

“Well, then you wonder, 'All right, what if I wasn’t black?’ It’s what’s behind being said that matters.”

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Phillip Milano, author of I Can't Believe You Asked That! (Perigee), moderates cross-cultural dialogue at Y? The National Forum on People's Differences. Visit www.yforum.com to submit questions and answers. Send general column comments to phillip.milano@jacksonville.com. You can also hear his podcasts.