Dare to Ask: Do gays feel shunned by our society?

By Phillip Milano

The Florida Times-Union

Question

Do people of the homosexual preference feel they are shunned? -- Karissa, Elizabethton, Tenn.

 

Replies

Being gay isn't a preference, it's a reality. It also doesn't help that many groups call LGBT people "perverts" and lie about them. It is definitely true that LGBT people feel shunned. -- Erin, 18, bisexual, Illinois

Yes, and occasionally they are murdered ... and I imagine being murdered might make a person feel shunned. -- Carrie, 21, bisexual, Houston

It's not fair when I take my partner out for a dinner and have to avert my eyes from those casting a scornful look. -- Alaina, 28, lesbian, Cincinnati

I am tired of being the token lesbian at work. Of being left out of family reunions so "Aunt Judy and Uncle Joe" won't feel uncomfortable. I want the right to see my spouse in the hospital. My friend wanted the right to be called when her lover was killed in Iraq. The military called her parents instead. They had been a couple for 10 years. I want to lead my son's Cub Scout den without being undercover. -- Kara, 51, lesbian, Austin

Expert says

It's 2010. Is the shunning still stunning?

Some numbers: A 2008 Human Rights Campaign workplace survey of Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgender (LGBT) people found that 51 percent hide their LGBT identity, fewer than half feel OK talking about sex or relationships with co-workers, nearly six of 10 hear derogatory comments about LGBT people, 42 percent feel they must lie about their personal life, half of those who aren't open don't reveal their identity because they feel it'll bother others, 40 percent say others get uncomfortable if they mention their partner and some say they're ignored by co-workers after revealing their identity.

Yet, "in general, things are getting better -- though they're nowhere near where they should be," said HRC spokesman Michael Cole. "People getting annoyed because you put a picture of your partner on your desk happens less because it's becoming less of an oddity."

One problem is that LGBT people often grow up shunning their own reality, and then get hit with so much that reminds them they are different that it reinforces feeling ostracized, he said.

"Just last night, the concierge in my building tells me there was a message for my 'roommate' -- well, clearly we're a couple, and that can be off-putting when it's not recognized."

The best thing to do: Learn about LGBT people's lives, Cole said.

"Invite someone gay to dinner ... not because they're gay, but because you want to get to know them. Some straight people latch on to 'that gay person' as their token diverse person; it's like, 'Oh, let's see what the gay person thinks.' "

But if you do want to ask something, maybe see how they feel about the fact that in 29 states, including Florida, it's still legal to fire them just because they're gay.

Just don't ask it at the water cooler.

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Phillip Milano, author of I Can't Believe You Asked That! (Perigee), moderates cross-cultural dialogue at Y? The National Forum on People's Differences. Visit www.yforum.com to submit questions and answers. Send general column comments to phillip.milano@jacksonville.com. You can also hear his podcasts or watch his TV spots.