Dare to Ask: Do some women gravitate toward abusive jerks?

By Phillip J. Milano

The Florida Times-Union

Question

Why do women always run to men who are [jerks] or abuse them? And why can’t they get out of these relationships? — Mike, 20, Iowa

Replies

Some find them “exciting.” They like living on the edge. Some think they can “save” the poor, misunderstood fellow. They believe they’re not really all that bad underneath, and they (the woman) will uncover the good in them. The majority are simply attracted to the men who are what they are used to; and, sadly, they are used to abuse. I was once in that category. — Robin, 55, female, Westland, Mich.

Easy. When a girl dates a bad boy, it is obviously all on him. She is always the blameless victim who gets sympathy and always has entertaining drama stewing so she can be the center of attention with her friends. If he dumps her, that’s just the bum being the jerk he is. Being with a nice guy has deep risks. If there are problems, there’s a good chance he isn’t causing them. There is no drama to passively be entertained by; she has to be her best self and bring something to the table. — G.G., 45, male, Idaho

This applies to both genders. Some women are like [jerks], and for some reason, the abused men do not get out of the relationship. Maybe he doesn’t know better that there are good women out there, too. — S.C., male, Texas

Some women have such low self-esteem that they think no man would want them, so when one does show interest, they’d rather take the abuse than be alone. And, as sick as it sounds, some women believe jealousy and abuse prove the man cares about them. — M., female, Dallas, Ga.

Expert says

Yes it’s true: Some men like to get their bad self on, and too many women yearn to domesticate them, said Illinois therapist Kari Hunter, who has spent two decades helping couples through relationship and marital woes.

“We can go back to a woman’s childhood and their relationship with their father: Were they the apple of Dad’s eye, or not? 

Often, they’re socialized to be maternal, to tame and shape in their relationships. Then they get excited by the bad boy, but eventually expect him to be other than what he is.”

Then what do they do? Hit up a “nice-guy” male friend and cry on his shoulder.

It happens the other way around, too, but men aren’t socialized to whine about it, lest they “look like a sap,” Hunter said.

The media don’t help, reinforcing flamboyant relationships with wild guys — witness the reinvention of Sherlock Holmes as a bad boy in the latest movie remake with Robert Downey Jr. — but it’s more fun to see that than an accountant and schoolteacher “just made for each other,” she noted.

Ideally, women should have long-term relationship goals … and take time between break-ups so they can start fresh with the right guy.

“They should follow advice Madonna doesn’t seem to: Remember 'Don’t settle for second-best, baby’?”

ADD OR READ MORE COMMENTS

This is your column. You can help it grow! If you like "Dare to Ask," please call or e-mail your favorite newspaper or web site and urge them to start running it.

Phillip Milano, author of I Can't Believe You Asked That! (Perigee), moderates cross-cultural dialogue at Y? The National Forum on People's Differences. Visit www.yforum.com to submit questions and answers. Send general column comments to phillip.milano@jacksonville.com. You can also hear his podcasts or watch his TV spots.